


Picture Perfect

by AngelKurenai



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love Triangles, Pregnancy, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-11-29 09:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 70,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11438244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelKurenai/pseuds/AngelKurenai
Summary: Prompt: I got it! Can you do a fic where Sam dies while (Y/N) is pregnant with his child and so Dean helps her raise the child and they live the apple pie life and right when Dean wants to propose to (Y/N), Sam returns to life & ANGST. Please and thank you





	1. Chapter 1

“Mary!” Dean shouted “Breakfast’s ready, come on!” he said loud enough, hoping the little girl was going to hear him.

“Yes daddy!” she said in her childlike voice as she ran down the stairs. Her brown curls were bouncing as her green eyes sparkled with happiness the moment she spotted the food that lay on the table.

“Pie!” she exclaimed and the man chuckled at the girl.

“Yes princess!” he placed the last pancake on the place and put the frying pan away. He leaned down and picked her up, giving her a big kiss on the cheek as the little girl giggled at him.

“And it’s your favorite!” he said with a big grin and she squealed.

“Apple pie!”

“-Which you are not going to have for breakfast.” you said with a strict – but loving – mom look.

“What?” she pouted “Why?”

“Sweetheart.” you said softly, taking her from Dean’s arms “Pie is not right for breakfast and you know it. We’ve said you can have pie whenever you want to- as a treat. You will have to eat your meal first.” you said, tucking a few brown curls behind her ear.

“But daddy eats pie all the time- even for breakfast and you let him. Why can’t I?” the four-year-old gave you those puppy eyes that could actually do you anything they wanted.

“Yeah well daddy-” you glared at the grinning man “-doesn’t have the most healthy diet in the world. But he’s trying… I hope. Why don’t we show him what’s right huh?”

She gave you that cheeky smile “Yes mommy!” she exclaimed and you laughed, kissing her forehead.

“That’s my girl. Now eat your breakfast and then you can probably get a slice of pie, yeah?”

“Yes!” she nodded her head enthusiastically. You placed her down on her seat and helped her with her eggs and toasted bread.

“I dont if I should be offended or not.” Dean mumbled with a small smirk and you looked at him, giggling.

“Well, I am being honest.” you shrugged throwing your arms around his neck.

“Excuse me?” his eyebrows shot up “I thought you liked my messy eating.” he gave you a hurt look and you chuckled.

“I don’t like it.” you rested your forehead against his “I love it.” you breathed out and leaned in to press your lips to his. Dean grinned into the kiss and cupped your face, kissing you even more.

“Hey- hey-” you pushed him slightly away, glancing at the little kid as she happily ate on her breakfast “Not here. Not now.” you shook your head.

“Then how about later?” he whispered in your ear and you giggled when he pecked your neck and then peppered butterfly kisses all over your jaw and shoulder.

“Easy tiger.” you grinned at the man “Wasn’t last night enough?” you asked and he paused for a moment, thinking.

“Nope” and he peppered kisses all over your lips.

You giggled “And to think that 8 rounds would have been enough.” you scoffed and he grinned innocently.

“Was it 8 really?” he made a cute frowny face.

“Don’t know- I lost count after 8, that’s what I clearly remember.” you chuckled and he did the same, kissing your lips fully once more.

“What 8 mommy?” Mary’s voice was heard and you both pulled away, looking a the little girl. You opened and closed your mouth like a fish out of the water, giving a glare to the man when he chuckled at your reaction.

“It was… 8… chocolate chip cookies, sweetie. Mommy ate… 8 chocolate chip cookies last night, that’s all.” you stuttered, hitting Dean’s shoulder when he snickered at your excuse “I’d like to see you try better.” you mumbled to him and he chuckled.

“Are there any more?” she asked and you shook your head.

“No princess. But I’ll make some more today for you, yeah?” you asked and she nodded her head happily.

“So mommy ate the cookies?” he whispered to you as you huffed, giving him a playful glare “Cause it seemed more like daddy ate something else last night.” he winked at you and your eyes widened.

“Dean!” you shrieked, hitting his shoulder hard as he only laughed and kissed your cheek.

“Come on- you didn’t really complain last night.” he winked at you and you giggled, biting your lip.

You leaned and kissed his lips “Nor will I this evening when Mary will be at Jody’s.” you whispered against his lips, winking before pulling away. You went to sit in front f Mary, pouring some orange juice as Dean stared at you with wide eyes. A grin slowly started spreading on his face and you smirked at him.

“For real?” he breathed out and you chuckled, nodding your head as you ate on a pancake.

“We have the entire evening free.” you said with a smile “Jody will return with Mary after at least four hours.” you couldn’t stop a laugh at his excited look.

“Damn you really waited till the last minute to tell me huh?” he said with a slightly low sexy growl and you laughed, shrugging as you helped and ever-so-clueless Mary with her small slice of pie.

“What can I say- I am a tease.” you mumbled and he rolled his eyes with a grin.

“That you are.” he kissed your forehead as he stood by your side “And that’s why you’re going to get what you deserve.” he whispered in your ear and you shuddered slightly in his arms.

“Really?” you looked up in his arms “Cause I thought we’d be more- slow and lovin’, like last night.”

“When are we not?” he asked with an adoring grin, leaning down to give you a last peck on the lips before he sat down next to the younger girl and ate on his food as well.

You smiled softly as you watched the two of them interact. It was literally a sight for sore eyes and one you loved having the chance to see every single morning. The way they talked and laughed, the love at which she stared up at the man with and the love he stared at her with was just as warm as a summer sun, and the way she’d hug him. The way they played with each other and the way she laughed when he tickled her tummy, it was all you would ever wish for and luckily had it. She was total daddy’s girl and Dean loved the little girl more than his own life. He was an amazing father, more so than you had ever thought, and he loved her so much that… you almost forgot he wasn’t her father.

You almost forgot that the little girl would neer meet her real father. You almost forgot that her real father was gone. You almost forgot that there was no relation between these two when she called him ‘dad’ all the time. You almost forgot it when her first words were 'dad’ for him. You almost forgot that she wasn’t his when he cared about her, and you too, so much. You almost forgot that… he was actually her uncle.

Almost. But not entirely. Because, yes, you could probably forget it all when you watched them interact. You could probably forget it all when he had you in his arms and whispered how much he loved you and the family you two had together. You could probably forget it all when you watched him put her to sleep, singing 'Hey Jude’ to her and her snuggling I her father’s arms. But he wasn’t her father, you reminded yourself. He was her uncle.

Brother of her true father. A father that was gone, died on the job trying to protect his unborn child and loved girlfriend. Only a flash of that fateful night was enough to remind you of everything and bring you back to the harsh reality. Dean was not the father of your child, he was her uncle. And maybe you could pretend but it was not the truth.

There had been endless nights that you spent wide awake, crying as you clutched your dead boyfriend’s flannel to yourself. You had barely been eating at first, you didn’t have the energy to even get up from bed, much less your shared bedroom. You wanted to drink but thanks to the pregnancy you found the idea of alcohol even more appaling. Dean had been locked in his room for the first few days too, not speaking and only drinking. He had come out of the room only once a day to make food for you and force you to eat only a little bit of it for the sake of your child. But he wouldn’t say a single word then either.

You had both been void, the ache of losing the man you loved and him his brother was weighting on your shoulders. You would walk around the bunker like you were numb and whenever you found him drinking you’d feel slightly envious for how he could at least drink and even for a few hours either pass out and not think what was going on or at least stop feeling the hole in his heart that was brought by Sam’s absence. You didn’t have that opportunity unfortunately.

You had been going like that for over a month and when in the end you ended up at the hospital because of some complications with your pregnancy that’s what it took for you to get a hold of yourself. You had a child to take care of, you couldn’t be selfish and cry yourself to sleep – a sleep from which you’d wake up with nightmares – because Sam was gone. You decided you were going to take care of yourself just for your daughter’s sake and slowly started going back to your old routine. Sort of.

Dean had started coming out of his room more often, wanting to make sure that you and the baby were alright. He had almost lost it when he found you passed out that morning in the map room so he had promised to himself that as long as it was up to him he wasn’t going to let anything happen to you. You had slowly started getting closer, not that you weren’t before that, but being only the two of you, and the baby, there was nothing else to do but comfort each other with your mere presence. After a while none of you mentioned it but you knew, when in the silence you shared a glance, that the big elephant in the room was Sam’s death. And it was still in your minds.

But the nightmares got less and less after that, and when once in a while they came, Dean was instantly by your side; hugging you and comforting you before in the end you fell into a – surprisingly – peaceful sleep. When the months passed and Mary was born you no longer found yourself sleeping in your and Sam’s bedroom. You went back to your old one and as much as you hated and loved to admit it you slept less and less in it and more and more in Dean’s room.

It wasn’t long after Dean had suggested you left the bunker for something more peaceful and… normal. He felt like this was no place for a child and you were going to give her the most normal but still safe life you could. So you had agreed, remembering Sam’s wish for her to be out of the life like he had once wanted out.

And while helping you raise Mary, you didn’t understand how it happened, but you and Dean got more close than ever. Your heart always ached for Sam, you always found yourself tearing up at the thought of the man you loved being gone, and you always missed him so much. Every time you stared into your daughter’s eyes or helped her braid her hair you just remembered everything about Sam that had made you fall in love. You remembered all those moments you shared and always ended up fighting your tears.

Until one day those tears didn’t hurt as much as before. And the hole in your heart, gosh you hated so much to admit it, was no longer there. And the reason had one name: Dean Winchester. It scared you so much to realize how you had started falling for the man. And the night you had shared that first kiss you didn’t know if you wanted to feel guilty for not missing Sam that much anymore or… for the skip of your heart when Dean looked at you in the eyes.

You wanted to cry the following morning when you were alone and Dean had taken Mary to see Jody. But it was no longer because you missed Sam, the love of your life, but because… Sam was not the love of your life as it seemed. It scared you so much, and it was obvious that Dean was scared of these feelings as well. He no longer was just there to take care of you and your daughter because he was the only family you had left but because he wanted to… and he wanted to be the closest family you could have. For Mary a father and for you… well, yeah.

“Hey-” a hand waved in front of you face and you blinked several times, seeing the grin on the man’s face “What are ya thinking?”

You breathed out a laugh, gosh the first time after Sam’s death that you had laughed (thanks to Dean) you had been so shocked because you had actually meant it. You shook your head, staring at him lovingly.

“Nothing, just… stuff.” you shrugged softly and he chuckled.

“Daydreaming much?” he smirked and you rolled your eyes.

“Shut up, Winchester.” you grumbled, unable to fight the smile anyway.

“Are you sure?” a frown set on his face as he got serious and you smiled adoringly at him.

“Absolutely.” you said softly and although he still seemed a little bit worried he let it slip, focusing his attention on the little girl.

You were not just scared of those new-found feelings but of the fact that this man was Sam’s brother. He was your best friend, the uncle of your child, but at the same time… he was the man you had come to love more than your life.You thought it was you being a whore but nobody had blamed you for it, not even Jody. You knew you should move on, there was no coming back for Sam, and you had no reason anymore to fight those growing feelings for Dean. And maybe, it comforted you in a way, Sam would want it to.

You had a life now with Dean, one you dreamed to have with Sam, but even if things were like this… you wouldn’t change it. Sam was your past, a past you reminisced and smiled at but- a past that was gone. Dean was your present and future and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

~*~

“Are you sure it was nothing?” Dean whispered, wrapping his arms around in and you snuggled by his side on the couch.

“Dean” you sighed softly, shaking your head “It was nothing, really.” you mumbled.

“You were thinking about him, weren’t you?” he whispered after a small pause, catching on the unspoken words.

You let a small sigh, holding his gaze for a few minutes before in the end smiling reassuringly at him. You had always seen it and felt it. Dean was scared your heart still belonged to Sam, he was scared that the feelings that at first had scared him so much and made him feel unbearably guilty (you were his dead brother’s girlfriend after all, was it even right in the first place?) were one-sided.

“Dean” you whispered before in the end smiled fully “I was only thinking of what has happened in the past few years, that’s all.”

“Is it?”

“Well- is Mary being born and you being an amazing father not enough?” you asked back and he sighed too, looking down at your hands.

“Dean” you cupped his face and tilted it up so that he could look at you “I love you.” those word had been said not many times but even those few times were enough “You are the love of my life, that great one that makes you feel like a teen again and the one that has you thinking of what you will do when the two of you grow old together.”

A smile played on his lips “You’ll probably be so tired of my cranky ass you’re gonna kick me out of the house.” he mumbled with a laugh and you giggled.

You kissed his cheek “I fell in love with that cranky ass without realizing it- I don’t think I will ever get tired of it.” you smiled and he grinned.

“Oh we’ll see that.” he scoffed a laugh “The kids will have gotten so tired of us they-”

“The kids?” you asked, cutting him off with a raised eyebrow. He got flustered for a moment at his slip up and shrugged, giving you a sheepish smile. He shrugged in the end, acting all innocent.

“I mean- Mary will probably want a sister or brother at some point… right?”

“Right.” you pursed your lips, acting serious “Because it’s all about Mary. It’s Mary that wants another baby… not you huh?”

“Maybe- I just- I might- there might be a chance- just slim- tiny- that I could possibly…want one too?” he asked in a slightly squeaky voice, fearing your response but you only giggled at him.

“You idiot” you mumbled, cupping his face and pressing your lips to his “Why do you think I stopped taking the pill all those months ago huh?” you smirked and his eyes widened “Much less mentioned the lack of condom.” you added as he stared att you in shock.

“Really?” he breathed out and you chuckled.

“Really.” you breathed out and a squeal left your lips when he crashed his lips to yours. You giggled into his lips as he kissed you hungrily but still lovingly. You kissed back as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist. You felt him grin into the kiss when you bit down on his lip, letting a small growl that made him chuckle.

But just as his hand moved under your shirt you heard the doorbell ring. Dean groaned in frustration and you laughed at the expression on his face when you pulled away. He huffed and pouted like a little child as he fell on the couch.

“I’ll go get that.” you pecked his lips and got up from the couch.

Dean placed a hand over his eyes and let a smile of bliss rest on his face. He bit his lip as his hand ran down to his jeans’ pocket. His fingers played with the small velvet box as he grinned to himself like a little kid. The hope of you saying yes to his proposal getting bigger with each passing moment. After all: you already wanted to have his kids, right?

“I’m coming!” you shouted as you padded towards the door. The doorbell rang more and you hurried.You took hold of the doorhandle, the door swinging open.

But the moment you looked up and locked eyes with the person your smile fell and your heart stopped beating for a second. The person smiled at you, tired, but still his eyes sparkled with the same kind of love you were used to seeing. Only you had not seen, in those eyes, for many years.

“Sam”


	2. Chapter 2

“Sammy-” Dean’s voice was thick as he stared at his younger brother, you on the other hand coul not take your eyes off the ground. A heavy weight was sitting on your chest. You had your arms wrapped around your waist to keep yourself from shaking. Although it was impossible.

“There are things that- you need to know.” he breathed out in a low and rough voice. You shut your eyes for a moment, trying to keep the tears from slipping. How could any of those words be uttered. How could Dean or you ever tell him all that has happened in these past five years? How could you ever tell him that once you had won the war against Amara, in a way, she had actually granted Dean a wish that was both a blessing and a curse? Blessing because yes, deep down even if he didn’t know it, he wanted to have a family with you and a curse because that required his brother to be dead?

It had shaken you to the core when you realized it all. But there was no changing that and quiet honestly you were more focused, back then, in helping Dean get past his guilt and self-loathing than anything else. There was nothing you could do to bring Sam back anyway.

Or so you thought back then.

“Th-things?” Sam asked in a low voice and you could swear every time you heard his voice, even if you weren’t directly looking at him, you held your breath. He glanced at you, his eyes lingering on your form that was almost curled on the couch. Every fiber in his body screamed for him to gather you in his arms and not let you go ever again. It was close to five years for you and Sam could only imagine how hard it would have been for you. He almost found himself reaching out for you but held himself when Dean cleared his throat. He definitely had missed his brother too but the look that was on his face made Sam frown for a moment.

“Listen man we- we are both happy that you’re back. Trust me I-” Dean’s voice was shaky and laced with emotion “- You know I would have never wanted anything more.” he breathed out and Sam smiled. He knew it had always been hard for Dean to express his feelings with words so even this little bit, he knew, meant everything for his brother.

“But-” he got a little serious, swallowing thickly “It’s been four years, hell almost five. And things just… changed.”

“Changed? As in what?” Sam blinked, his eyes casting on you that as it seemed for the first time were looking at him “(Y/n)?” he whispered, holding your gaze “Is- is everything alright?” he walked closer towards you.

“Is it- is it about our daughter?” he asked softly, his eyes welling up with tears.

You felt a pang in your chest, as if someone had just stabbed you. It had never been said out loud ever since you and Dean got together, even if it was constantly in your mind. But with Mary calling him dad, there was never any need to say it out loud- and quiet honestly none of you dared to. But now, Sam was here. Alive, very much alive, and uttering the words as if it was the most simple thing. Not knowing how hard it really was.

“Her name’s Mary.” you choked out as your eyed were locked with his “I- I named her Mary. After your mother.” you whispered and saw how his eyes widened but soon filled with all sorts of emotions.

And gosh you hated it, but there was one more to come. One that would manage to overshadow any other kind of emotion.

You heard the car pull over and it all moved almost in a slow motion as Jody opened the door with the keys you had given her – just in case – and the little girl run in. You saw how Sam stiffened for a moment but the anticipation was written all over his face. Just as was the adoration when he saw the small person he helped create ran inside the house and shout the one thing he would have dreamed and longed for wherever he’d been all these years.

“Daddy!”

Although the moment the words left her lips Sam’s smile vanished and you could see his entire world crumble down when she ran right into Dean’s arms, the older Winchester giving an apologetic and hurt look to his younger brother.

But that would never be enough. Not anymore. Not now,


	3. Chapter 3

You stared at the mug that stood in front of you on the coffee table, the hot beverage having gotten cold long ago. What was it again? Jody had offered it to you but you didn’t even remember what you told her, your thoughts were clouding your vision the entire time. You knew Dean was upstairs with Mary, probably talking to her. You didn’t know if he was trying to explain to her what was going on. But if he was you were sure he would have been having a really hard time. You couldn’t comprehend what was happening on the first place yourselves, how could you explain it to a little girl? Gosh, she must have been so confused and maybe scared. That was not the way you wanted it to happen, not that you had ever thought it would, but she was only a little child. How could she take all of this?

You couldn’t even begin to think how Dean would be feeling at the moment either. You knew very well that his emotions just like yours would be mixed. On one hand his brother, the one he loved more than anything, was back from the dead. But on the other hand he was the father of the child he considered as his, the child he raised as his own, and… the man you loved way before him and for much longer.

As far as Sam was concerned, well, the last time you saw him it was on the living room after… Mary called Dean “dad”. You knew that no matter what was going to happen after this, you would never forget the look you saw on the younger Winchester’s face. It was going to hunt not only your days but also your dreams, that much you were sure about. You couldn’t clearly describe it, not entirely. You knew that he was heartbroken but you couldn’t exactly grasp the extend to which he was hurting. You probably didn’t even want to imagine how much he would be suffering at hearing his own child, his first and only child, call another man that was actually his brother her dad.

As that your mind raced back to the moment you opened the door and came face to face with the man you loved more than anything but considered to belong ago dead.

_-Flashback-_

“Sam” you breathed out, your heart leaping to your throat. It came as a statement but not a conscious one, almost like a reflex before you could realize it. Because for all you knew it could be a demon parading in your… boyfriend’s body. Gosh the mere thought felt so foreign all of a sudden.

“H-Hey baby.” his voice sounded a little more hoarse than it usually would but not really different than what you remembered.

“You-” your vision started getting blury as obviously tears welled up in your eyes. You took in the state he was in and you guessed that he’d taken a stop by the bunker or something and cleaned himself up. Being unable to really say goodbye at first you had not burned his body, only buried it close to the bunker where you could visit him as often as you could.

Your lower lip was trembling as your mouth was slightly open, wanting but not being able to phrase the right words. Until your hunter’s instincts kicked in and you clenched your jaw and your look hardened. Sam’s own smile flattered as he saw the look on your face. If it really was him, or even a demon, he’d know what was going through your mind at that very moment.

“N-no! No, no (Y/n) I’m not-” before he had the chance to do anything you slammed the door shut in his face.

“(Y/n)!” he knocked on the door as you whiped your tears away furiously “(Y/n), open up. (Y/n)! (Y/n), please baby. It’s me.”

“I don’t know what sick game you’re playing-” you growled as you heard Dean get closer to you “But I want you to know that using my dead boyfriend’s body as a meatsuit is not something I’ll let slip.” you whiped your tears angrily as you searched for the gun. You knew you had one close anyway.

“What?” Dean breathed out behind you and you turned to look at him with tears in your eyes, most probably red too. You knew your hands were shaking and Dean took notice of it.

He took in the sigh you were in and once he heard more pounding on the door and the all too familiar voice his jaw clenched and he was instantly in hunter mood. You’d been out of it for quiet some time but that didn’t mean any of you forgot it, it just ran in your blood. You couldn’t stop being hunters, not when you grew up as that and it was all you knew. He grabbed your arm and pushed you behind him protectively as with a small growl he opened a drawer and pulled his gun from under some books you’d put there in case Mary opened it. You didn’t want her to come face to face with a gun, much less have to know about your past. Not until she was ready.

“Stay behind me.” he said in almost a growl and handed you another one and you took it shakily.

“Hey-” he started, holding your hands softly but firmly.

“Dean? Dean! It’s me, really. Please open up.” Sam’s voice sounded in exactly the same way he’d call out to his brother and Dean glanced at the door for a moment almost believing it was really Sam. But he proceeded to purse his lips and shake his head.

He looked back at you as he followed to cup your cheek “Stay calm, please.” he said softly to you, kissing your forehead “I got this.”

He turned to the door and held the gun in front of him, ready to open the door. Even if it wasn’t Sam you weren’t going to let a demon just use his body or whatever other monster use his face and walk around so easily. Needless to say, and you really didn’t know how to feel about it, he actually… was Sam.

 _Your_  Sam.

He didn’t do anything, he only raised his hands in surrender. Didn’t even fight and both you and Dean got a little more suspicious when he walked over the devil’s trap you had under the doormat. But still you wouldn’t let anything show, it could be a shapeshifter for all you knew. But Dean did the tests, all of them and you were there. Watching carefully as moment after moment he passed each and every one of them. And his eyes were constantly on you. Even when you decided not to look their way you could feel his eyes on you, making you shiver in a way that you knew all too well.

And when you looked at him and your eyes would lock you’d swear for a moment that it was indeed Sam. You only pushed it away as your own wishful thinking and your emotions taking over. You wanted to look away but for some reason you couldn’t. Your heart was hammering inside your chest, you could even hear the blood pumping in your veins when you stared at him. Your hands were shaking, hell your entire body was, and the temperature seemed to be getting higher with each minute passing. Sam’s eyes lingered on you the way he’d always look at you, one more sign that made you think it was him. It was that intimate, shy, sweet and loving way he’d look at you every morning you woke up next to him.

It made you shift in your seat and look away, sighing heavily as you ran a hand through your hair. Dean of course picked up on it, looking at you without your realizing it. His own face was slightly crestfallen as he stared between you and his brother before clearing his throat and focusing on his task.

When all of it was over Dean started asking him questions only the real Sam could know… and that was when it started downing on you.

“Sammy?” Dean breathed out as tears welled up in his eyes when he looked up at his younger brother he thought he’d lost for good this time.

“Hey Dean” a smile broke on Sam’s face, he too emotional as the two brothers didn’t hesitate a moment to hug each other. You saw as they both closed their eyes and squeezed each other, an almost sob leaving Sam’s lips and you placed a hand over your mouth more tears welling up in your eyes. No matter how messed up the situation was you couldn’t help but feel happy that they had each other again.

You knew how much Sam matter to Dean and vice versa, and even if there were a lot of problems to face , the fact thatthey had each other was more important than anything. You ha suffered a lot yourself when Sam died but that didn’t mean you had not seen how much it hurt Dean. It tore him apart on the inside and it was much obvious. When Dean thought that you were sleeping you’d actually walk out of your bedroom to find him drinking, already having finished half a whiskey bottle, as he looked through some photos of his with Sam and other people you loved.

You knew he tried to occupy himself with taking care of you and you knew he tried to seem like he was doing alright mostly for the sake of your health and for your unborn child. But you could see right through him. No matter how different he was in some things with Sam there were still a few things they were very alike. And one of them was just what gave you the chance to read him like an open book. And you could see that he was not himself when he lost Sam. He was broken, maybe more so than you. And you knew he blamed himself. Taking care of Sam was his sole life purpose and he felt like he had failed in it, like he had failed his brother.

So now that he had him back it was obvious to you that he felt a weight lift off his shoulders.

“What?” Sam whispered as he looked at you, making you blink and come back to reality “No welcome back hug?” he asked with a soft smile, tears welled up in his eyes as well.

You hesitated as you looked at him, finally taking in everything about him because, and it downed on you like a ton of bricks, this was really Sam. Your Sam. The one you thought you lost but was really standing in front of you. The father of your daughter. The man you loved for so many years and saved your life in more than one ways, not always necessarily with guns. You glanced for a moment at Dean who seemed a little more eager to see what you would do than Sam, probably because he knew a few more things that Sam didn’t.

And maybe your mind and part of your heart knew that whatever happened after this would hurt the older Winchesterbut you couldn’t help every other instinct in you that screamed for Sam. His death had been so sudden you didn’t even have time to say goodbye and now you had him back. Almost as if these past years had not happened – almost – you took a few tentative steps closer to Sam. Hesitant at first but in the end fast as you crashed in his arms and he didn’t even think about enveloping you in his.

You clenched the fabric of his flannel in your fists, only taking a glimpse at Dean who closed his eyes and turned around to not look at you, before you closed your eyes and buried your face in Sam’s chest. He as well buried his face in the crook of your neck the way he always did, and ran his fingers through your hair as he pecked your cheek almost without realizingit. He hugged you more tightly to himself and you took a deep breath in, letting the tears roll as the all-too-familiar smell invaded you. It was really Sam.

He was back.

_-End of Flashback-_

“(Y/n)?” it was Jody’s voice, and as a hand was placed on your shoulder you blinked.

“Yeah?” you looked up at her, your head pounding from the mere movement.

“Do you want me to make something else? Some tea probably?” she asked softly and you bit your lip looking back down at the mug, shaking your head.

“No, Jody. I’m not really-” you swallowed the lump in your throat “I’m not really in the mood for anything.” you mumbled and she let a soft sigh as she sat next to you.

“(Y/n)” she placed a hand on top of yours and gave you a squeeze as you shut your eyes, trying to fight back the tears “Sam’s just sitting in the living room not saying a thing. He’s… looking at a photo of Mary and you. Did you tell him that…?” she trailed off, looking at you although you shook your head.

“No, I couldn’t find it in myself. The fact that Mary called Dean-” you almost choked on a sob “Her ‘dad’ is too much to take already.”

“But- but what does he know?”

_-Flashback-_

“Is that- is that her?” Sam’s voice was low as you placed a beer on the coffee table and walked towards him holding a framed picture of Mary.

“Yeah” you couldn’t stop a smile at the sight of your daughter, she was only one year old in the picture “We- we are at Jody’s here actually. Alex and Claire love her to death already, I think she won over their hearts from the first minute.”

“With a smile that’s exactly like her mother’s, I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.” he breathed out with a smile, looking back at you.

Dean was currently not in the living room, actually house in general, because a neighbor had asked for his help on fixing his car and you could sense for a moment that he really wanted the excuse. Probably the way Sam looked at you, with the same love and adoration just like all those years ago before he died, has been too much for him. You couldn’t blame him. He was in love with his brother’s…girlfriend? You didn’t know if you were that anymore. It always bothered him, he felt like he betrayed Sam in some way, but now that Sam was actually back and it was obvious how much he still loved you-how could Dean feel?

“Ye-yeah, I guess.” you mumbled, opting to look at the picture “But she’s taken a lot after you too.” you added with a soft shrug and glancing at him you saw a fond smile on “There are times I look at her, or hear her talk and I swear- God, I swear it feels like I have a mini female Sam in front of me.” you breathed out and he left a small chuckle as he looked with glossy eyes at the brunette little girl.

“I can’t wait to meet her.” he breathed out “Gosh I was so nervous just thinking about it. I was at the bunker,cleaning myself up and I- I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I tried to picture her in my mind. I thought about her all the time, how she’d look what she’d be like, even her voice, as I was driving here.” he let out a shaky breath, rubbing his eyes “Do you-do you think she’ll like me? I mean, I practically know nothing about her so I- I don’t know what to do in front of her. How am I supposed to act?” his voice was a little shaky as he breathed out the words with an awkward smile.

You smiled softly “You don’t have to worry Sam, she’s just a kid. Obviously the most beautiful one you’ve seen in your life-” you said in a proud mom voice and he grinned softly “But- you’ll do it. She’s a really sweet girl, you’ll see that for yourself.” you ran your fingers over her image in the photo “She’s a little shy but once she opens up to you she will practically not let you go. You just need to be a little cautious when first approaching her but there is not something to really keep in mind about not saying.”

“What hobbies does she have? Does she like som specific kind of music already? Does she like some specific kind of food? Does she like stories? What games does she like to play? Does she have a favorite color? Does she get intimidated easily? Does she-”

You couldn’t help but giggle at how fast and nervously he asked the questions “Sam” it almost felt weird saying this after so many years “You don’t have to worry about her, just give her that characteristic Winchester smile and I’m sure she will be all over you in seconds. And once she gets to like you, I swear you will never need anything else. She’s so giving and caring, it surprises me for her age.”

“Well, she obviously took after you.” he breathed out, looking down at you as you felt his fingers brush yours and you pulled your hand away, almost a little too fast. Just the way you had done when he had tried to kiss your lips and you had turned your head. You couldn’t do that, just no.

“She’s your daughter too, she’s a Winchester. I guess it’s in her blood.” you mumbled with a shrug.

“That or- you’ve been an amazing mother so far.” he said softly and you smiled almost a little shyly until of course he uttered more words “Does she- does she know about me?”

And there it was. The question you dreaded but knew would come sooner or later.

“Sam” you whispered, wrapping your arms around your waist “It’s- not that easy.”

“What do you mean?” he frowned, looking at you with a head tilt.

“Lots of things have changed.” you mumbled looking around you “We took this house for a reason. Dean wanted her to have a normal childhood and I- I agreed. She never- we never told her a thing about what goes bump in the night but have always been extra careful, obviously. She’s innocent and I want it to be like that for as long as possible. I wanted that from the first moment and Dean- he thought of this.” you motioned around you before finally looking him in the eyes “We’ve- We’ve quit hunting, Sam.”

“What?” he breathed out in shock and you couldn’t blame him. It was something you always talked about Sam, even before you got pregnant, but you were the one too scared to take the next step because it either made things seem like they were serious – and falling in love, even if you already had, was not something hunters did – or would probably fail and you wished deep down it wouldn’t because you actually… wanted it.

“Wa-wait, (Y/n)-” he blinked shaking his head as obviously lots of thoughts ran through his head “Have you… talked to her about me?”

_-End of Flashback-_

“Not much” you mumbled with a shake of your head.

“Are you going to?” she whispered and you looked at her.

“Can I keep it really a secret?” you asked back bitterly and she sighed with a nod of her head.

“And- Mary?”

“Well, I don’t know what Dean is telling her right now and she- She deserves to know, that I am sure about, but Jody I don’t know how- how will I ever be able to explain it to her? And how will she take it? She’s just a child.” you almost choked on a sob as you buried your face in your hands.

“(Y/n)-” she started but you shook your head, sniffling.

“Can you- can you do me a favor Jody?” you whispered and she nodded her head “Can you go see how she is? I know Dean is with her but I just-”

“I know, mom thing.” she said with a soft smile, having gotten used to all of this by now.

And no sooner had she left than you dared yourself to get up and take slow steps in the living room,finding Sam actually looking at a picture of Mary. One in which you were actually included, along with Dean. Almost like a perfect little family. It was that picture that made you realize everything about your feelings for Dean as well as how important he was in Mary’s life. You didn’t even make a single sound to make your presence known but you knew that he had long ago realized you were standing there. It broke you ten times worse than you thought to see him like this. He stared at the picture with such pain but at the same time he looked so tired, almost numb.

“She called him dad.” he said in a low almost rough voice and biting your lip you sat next to him. The kind of warmth his body radiated always seemed different than that of Dean’s.

“She doesn’t know-”

“She called him  _ **dad**_.” he said more firmly this time, cutting you off, as he gritted his teeth.

You tried to fight the tears for a moment “He raised her like a father, Sam.” you whispered.

Sam scoffed bitterly, shaking his head as he closed his watery eyes “So that makes her her father all of a sudden?” he asked, although this time his voice held no anger; only pain.

“He  _raised_  her Sam.” you emphasized as he looked at you “If it wasn’t for Dean she wouldn’t have been born in the first place and I- I probably wouldn’t be here to talk to you.” your voice turned into a whisper and fear laced his features for a moment.

“Your death took a toll on me,I wouldn’t eat or sleep for days. I almost- I  _did_  end up on the hospital, Sam.” you confessed as you heard him take in a sharp breath “Please don’t put the blame on him, not when he was the one to save me.”

“So you decided to not tell her a thing about me?” he asked, looking back at the picture “Let her know- think that Dean is… her father.  _Dean?_  Dean, (Y/n)? My  _brother_?” he asked looking back again at you. You couldn’t even look him in the eyes. You knew he didn’t deserve this, you were absolutely sure he’d be an amazing father if he had the chance to butDean was-

“Sam you know I-”  
  


“I know what?” he cut you off, clearly hurt “I don’t seem to know a thing, (Y/n). I come back and everything I knew had come upside down. The only thing I was sure about, my daughter- _ **My**_  daughter, (Y/n), not Dean’s, doesn’t even know who her real father is. She doesn’t even know the man she calls dad is her uncle and her real father is someone else. Hell does she even know Dean had a brother? I bet no. Then- Tell me: what exactly do I know?”

“We didn’t really decide about it. It just- it happened. Her first words were-” you instantly stopped yourself, biting the inside of your cheek as you felt Sam’s eyes burned through your skull. You cursed at yourself for letting it slip.

“Her first word was dad… to Dean?” of course Sam was no fool and immediately understood it.

“She was just a baby, Sam. She- Dean was the only man she met as- as a father figure. He was the one constantly by her side when- when she’d wake up in the middle of the night and- and I just- I didn’t have the strength to tell her otherwise. We- How could I know you’d come back? I just-I was going to tell her but I needed her to be older to understand.” you fidgeted with your hands as he shook his head.

“She doesn’t even know I exist, (Y/n).” he almost choked “She looked at me and asked who I am. Has she even seen a picture of me in the first place?” he asked and you didn’t dare look at him.

“Right” he scoffed, running a hand through his hair “That’s what I thought.” and placed the photo on the coffee table as he slumped back in the couch.

“Sam-” you started but what could you really tell him? There was only one thing and you sure as hell were not going to say that you and Dean were-

“Can I ask you something?” he said a little bitterly as he looked at you, cutting you off. You bit your lip but didn’t take your eyes off him, nodding your head.

“Do you-” he let out a small sigh “Do you still love me?”

“What?” you whispered, blinking.

“I just- I came back to see my girlfriend live with my brother in the house we dreamed about getting together, having an apple pie life we always wanted and on top of it hear my daughter call my brother her dad while I stand a few feet away. I just need to know that you- what we had has not changed. So I am asking you something simple: do you still love me?”

“Sam” you whispered, eyes casting down “You know I never- Not once stopped. Come heaven or hell I will always… love you.” you looked him in the eyes and knew you were saying the truth because what you felt for him wasn’t going to change no matter what happened. It just so happened that what you felt for Dean to change, and become so much grater.

“Are you trying to convince yourself or me?” he breathed out a pained laughed as his eyes focused on the photo on the table as he seemed in deep thought.

“Sam I’m not-”

“What about him?” he asked in a husky voice and all air got caught in your lungs. Up to now you were saying the truth but now-

“Who?” you whispered, although you already knew.

“Dean” he said and looked back at you.

“What about Dean?’ your voice was low almost inaudible.

He held your gaze for a short minute “I’m not blind (Y/n). I know that look, I’ve seen. It just- It used to be directed to me, and now it’s-’ he ran a hand down his face “You avoided me kissing you and even touching your hand when we were alone. You wouldn’t let me get too close when Dean was in the room and you- the looks you shared, it’s more intimate than I remembered.”

“Sam what do you mean?” you whispered and he took a deep breath.

“(Y/n) are you… in love with Dean?”

You didn’t know even know how to answer that, even if the answer was a simple yes. But maybe uttering that word seemed like the hardest thing you had to do. Or maybe not.

“Mommy?” it was Mary’s voice and you saw her walk closer towards the two of you, suddenly both you and Sam on alert. You glanced at Dean and Jody standing just behind her.

“Y-yes sweetie?” you asked…

… and didn’t miss how her eyes were actually only focused on Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

“Mommy?”

“Yes sweetie?” you asked, swallowing the lump in your throat as you got up and walked towards her. For a moment you held your breath as you knelt in front of her.

She opened her mouth to say something but obviously decided against it and instead asked-

“Who is that?” and there it was, there was the question you found just as hard to answer. Obviously the only thing Dean did was keep her occupied upstairs as you imagined.

“He- uhm” you cleared your throat, glancing at Dean for a second and then at Sam “He’s… family, sweetheart. He is family. Really close one actually-” you said and a big smile spread on her face. One thing Dean had taught her amongsteverything else was: Family is always important. And he had made sure she understood that family wasn’t only blood relation.

“Family?” she asked with a small tilt of her head and you looked at Dean behind her who seemed to be holding his breath.

“Yeah baby.” he breathed out, his voice more hoarse than you’d heard it before. No wonder he was struggling with keeping his emotions under control in such a situation.

“He’s actually… real close family.” of course he couldn’t say it because having her call Sam her uncle would be worse than hearing her call Dean her father.

Before you could realize it and before you could stop her yourself she was running from your hands to Sam who seemed to be getting stiff as she aproached him. For a moment both you and Dean were quiet surprised with how open she suddenly was but then again even if she didn’t know it… Sam was her father.

“Hi” she said still shyly as he extended her small hand “I’m- I’m Mary. I’m sorry I didn’t say hi before.” she said in a low voice, hugging her stuffed bee closer to herself as she looked up at Sam with an adorable smile. Sam let out a shaky breath as he looked from her to you with an almost awestruck but also panicked look on his face and you offered him a soft smile and encouraging nod.

“It’s- It’s ok princess.” he giggled as he leaned forward so that he’d have a better look at her “I’m Sam, it’s great meetingyou.” he took her small hand in his and shook it with a small chuckle that made her giggle as well, their smiles were so much alike and they didn’t even realize it.

“Wow Mary, you got a really firm grip there.” he said with a dimpled smile and you couldn’t help but feel your heart flutter.

“Thank you” she giggled as she rocked back and forth “Daddy taught me that.” she giggled, looking at Dean and Sam’s smile fluttered for a moment but he tried to cover it up “And you’ve got really pretty hair.” she said with a grin and he chuckled.

“Really?” he seemed to relax at Mary surprisingly enough open up fast to him “Well thank you. My brother would always want to cut them for me but I just refused.” he laughed and you bit your lower lip, glancing at Dean who had a soft smile on his lips.

“No!” she exclaimed in a small whine but laughed nonetheless “They are perfect!” she jumped as if to emphasize on the word and you and Sam laughed “Can I braid them some time Sam?” she asked enthusiastically and he nodded his head with a grin.

“Anytime you want, Mary.” he breathed out, his eyes glistening slightly.

“Really? Thank you!” she giggled turning to you “Hear that mommy, Sam is going to let me braid his hair!” she grinned at you and you smiled.

“I always try to braid daddy’s hair but it’s too short.” she mumbled with a small pout as she turned to Sam and you literally held your breath.

“I can see, but it’s alright. What am I here for? Tell me Mary, what is that cute little animal you’re holding?”

“It’s not real!” she giggled as she threw her head back with laughter “But it’s a stuffed bee, uncle Cas gave it to me when I was a baby!” she hugged it close to herself and he grinned.

“Really? Oh wow I would have never imagined. And do you have more animals like that Mary? Stuffed, not real.”

She laughed as she looked up at him a little shyly, nodding her head “Yes, I love animals. My room is filled with them, I could show you one day.”

“And which one is your favorite? Is it this little bee?”

“I love the bee but my favorite one is a moose daddy got me for Christmas, but it’s really big and I can’t carry it around with me.” she pouted slightly and Sam gave her a half smile.

“It’s ok little one, one day you’ll grow up and you’ll be able to carry it around easily.” he grinned at her “I was smaller than you when I was your age actually.”

“No” her green eyes widened as she looked at him in wonder “But you’re so  _so_  tall now!”

“I know” he chuckled “My big brother doesn’t really like it either but I loved growing up to be taller than him. Meant I could tease him more.” he laughed and she giggled.

“Who is your brother Sam?” she tilted her head to the side asked the most simple question a kid could have at that moment but not one that could be answered so easily given the circumstances.

So as that silence fell and Sam glanced at you, going serious without having to say a thing and for a moment you could understand just why. You decided to break the awkward silence by clearing your throat.

“Sweetie-” you spoke up and she turned to look at you “Was there something you wanted?”

“Uh ye-yes.” she fidgeted with her stuffed animal “You promised we were going to make chocolate chip cookies today mommy and I’m getting really hungry. Daddy said that- that since we have guests I shouldn’t interrupt but-”

“It’s alright, baby.” you smiled softly, not daring to look at Sam as she uttered the small word as you walked towards her and picked her up “Besides, I’m sure Sam would love to help making them. Right, Sam?” you looked at him as he was staring at you with almost wide eyes.

Maybe it was because you felt guilty, maybe it was more than that, or maybe it was because he actually deserved to come closer with her and her to get to know him. As much as part of you wanted to deny that, and oh you hated yourself for that, he was her real father and she’d have to find out in the end.

“I- yeah, yeah I’d love to. If- If Mary doesn’t have a problem?” he asked softly, looking at her as she grinned and shook her head.

“Yes! Yes!” she giggled, glancing at Sam with an adoring smile.

“Al-alright then.” he breathed out a little nervously, looking at you as you gave him an encouraging smile.

“Baby why don’t you go in the kitchen with Sam and show him all the stuff we need, he can help you get them.” you told her and she nodded her head with a smile as you kissed her cheek.

You set her down and she looked at Sam who was standing nervously there, just looking at her with almost tear filled eyes “Come on!” she grinned, taking hold of his jeans and guiding him towards the kitchen.

“You didn’t tell her.” it wasn’t a question but a statement, after a few minutes when Jody went to talk on her phone.

“How could I? And what the hell am I supposed to tell her first?” he let a small growl, running a hand down his face “I just- I couldn’t. It’s not… not my-”

“Don’t you dare.” you gritted your teeth, looking at him dead serious “You’ve been the father Mary always wanted and needed. You raised her, without you she wouldn’t have been born. She owes her life to you as much as she owes it to Sam so don’t you dare tell me that now that Sam is here as a biological father he has more rights than you do.” you felt your voice crack in the end but you didn’t care.

“No, no I-” he swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head as with a soft sigh he wrapped his arms around you “I know that this is fifty shades of fucked up-” he whispered as he buried his face in your neck “But we’ll figure something out… right?”

“We always do.” you wanted to smile at him, you really did, but you just couldn’t find it in yourself.

“Uhm” you heard someone clear their throat behind you and for a moment you panicked.

“Sorry” Jody said “It was Alex, they said they need me home for- you know girl stuff, I just- I wish I could stay but-”

“Jody” you cut her off “It’s alright, thank you for everything and for taking care of Mary.” you smiled as she gave you a hug.

“Just- you kids make sure you don’t end up making it worse, right? Mary- she’s the one you have to think about at the moment. Her happiness is all that matters but at the same time-not with lies. I’m not saying this was wrong, I was from the first ones that said this was how it should go but- Sam’s here now.” she looked from you to Dean “He’s alive. And you need to be careful on how you’re going to bring it out to her.”

“Thanks Jody, we will.” Dean said as he proceeded to give her a hug too.

“And you know- Sam’s included. You need to tell him everything too, you know it right?” she looked at him and he nodded his head as he escorted her to the door. You saw them exchange a few words but you were too occupied with the happy sounds that were already coming from the kitchen and quiet honestly couldn’t keep yourself from smiling.

But you definitely missed the look Dean gave you from the doorway.

~*~

“What are ya two doing?” you asked with a smile that honestly came naturally as you saw her happily explain to Sam about everything she knew about the kitchen equipment.

“Mary’s trying to explain how the microwave oven works.” Sam said with a chuckle and you giggled as you ruffled your daughter’s hair.

“Is she really? Wow seems like someone has been paying attention then.” you chuckled and kissed the top of her head.

“Mommy can Sam come sometime to play with me? I want to show him all my stuffed animals!” Mary asked you with an adorable smile and you chuckled.

“Of course, baby. He can come anytime he wants, this is his home too. And he can stay to sleep here too if he’d like it.” you nodded your head and she jumped up and down.

“Hear that Sam? You can come here anytime you want! And sleep! We could have a- a- sleepov- sleepover?” she asked and giggled and Sam laughed, picking her up as a squeal left her lips.

“I definitely did, princess. And I can’t wait for that sleepover yes.” he chuckled “You could braid my hair then too.” he said and she grinned.

“Yes yes! Mommy can we do the cookies now? Sam promised to read me one of his favorite books later.” the little girl looked up at you with big green eyes and you nodded your head with a soft grin.

“Absolutely princess, but first we gotta wash our hands right? Come on, let’s go to your bathroom.” you took her from Sam’s arms after of course she gave him a small hug that made you both chuckle and her to giggle.

“Alright, you’re gonna see him in five minutes top don’t act like that.” you chuckled as she gave you an adorably shy smile, her arms wrapping around your neck as she rested her head on your shoulder. You looked at Sam who had a soft grin on his face and you smiled at it. You honestly were happy they were doing well and Mary was already bonding with him, it would make things easier in the very end.

“Daddy! Daddy!” she exclaimed as she saw Dean making his way to the kitchen and you stopped on the doorway as she extended her hands towards him “Are you going to help with the cookies too?”

Dean chuckled softly “I’d love to, princess but I don’t think it’s really my thing. If you need any burgers for later though absolutely.”

“Yes yes burgers!” a wide grin spread on her face and he laughed, leaning in to kiss her cheek. He almost leaned in to kiss you as well, it was a habit anymore but he collected himself. You frowned softly and he held your gaze for a few seconds.

“Love you daddy!” Mary’s voice caught his attention and he smiled at her, ruffling her hair.

“Love you too kiddo.” he whispered to her and she gave him one last smile before you both made your way upstairs.

~*~

“You’ve done a great job with her.” Sam’s voice broke the silence that had fallen between the two brothers and Dean looked up.

“Huh?”

“Mary” Sam said with what could only be described as a bittersweet smile “You’ve- you’ve been an amazing father to her. She talks about you a lot,without realizing it sometimes.” he chuckled “She adores you. You really are her hero. But- I guess I should know that firsthand right?”

“Sammy” Dean started, voice hoarse but the younger Winchester shook his head.

“I don’t blame her Dean, of course not. Neither her nor you. Or even (Y/n). How can I? Mary’s become such a wonderful child and- and it’s all thanks to you, I don’t doubt it. I know- I’ve gotten to experience it. I’m really happy that- that you became a better father than dad.”

“But you wouldn’t want me to be that for Mary.”

“You’re her uncle Dean, not her father. And if you want me to tell you the truth- yeah, I wish you wouldn’t have to.” Sam nodded his head, locking eyes with his brother “Gosh, I hate myself so much for saying it but- Dean, I just- I wish I was here to be that for her.”

“You know it might seem weird but- I really wish you were here too.” Dean swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Look I don’t know what has happened all these years, not really, when both of you seem to avoid telling me.” Sam pursed his lips for a moment “But for now I care about my daughter, and about the fact that she’ll have to find out the truth. Whether you like it or not.”

“You know that the only thing I care about is her and your happiness.” it was not a question but a statement as Dean clenched his jaw “Yours and (Y/n)’s, so yes even if this is hard she’ll find out. Mary will get to know the truth and believe it or not I would like her to.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” Sam smiled mostly sadly.

Dean sighed and shook his head “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you. This is much worse than when I was gone in Purgatory-” he ended mumbling as he ran a hand through his hair “But I’m not going to question it. You either believe me or not. It’s up to you, I know I am saying the truth.”

“I know that Dean, it’s just- I’m sorry, fuck I’m really sorry. I only am- it makes me slightly jealous that’s all. Especially at the way she talks about you but- but I can’t say you don’t deserve it.”

“Mary’s your daughter, Sam.” Dean breathed out “A-and yeah I raised her as mine and I loved her as mine. And that’s how I am going to love her for  _ **the rest of my life**_ , nothing will change that, but that’s how it was from the very first moment you found out about (Y/n)’s pregnancy. She is family, that’s all that matters to me. I would give my life for that little girl any freaking moment in the very same way I would give my life for you, and (Y/n).”

“I know that, I know.’ Sam smiled softly “It was the only thing that, that actually made me feel less sad when I- yeah.” he cleared his throat “I knew that even if I wasn’t here, she’d always have you. And you’d love her just as much as I did no matter what. Either I was here or not.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t love her though, Sam” Dean pursed his lips for a moment and Sam sighed.

“I know, I know. I am just- I am not sure how I am going to show it. I’ve been dead for her entire life and now- I don’t know how she’ll react.”

Dean’s eyes casted down as he clenched his jaw. He knew Sam was right, he knew that anything Dean would say was not going to change the fact that now… he had to take a step back. He didn’t have to be her father anymore because her real one was alive. And Dean would only be the uncle anymore.

“Well, you’re back now aren’t ya?” Dean asked mostly to fill the silence that surrounded them.

“Try to sound a little more happy.” Sam breathed out with a laugh but Dean’s even smile for a second. He only looked at his brother with a clenched jaw.

“I am” he all-but-barked at the younger Winchester who immediately regretted his words.

“I know” he sighed “I know, Dean. Trsut me, I do.” he shifted in place “I didn’t- I didn’t mean that, God no- I- It’s just- I came face to face with something I never expected to and- and I’m honestly at a loss. I’m so lost Dean it scares me- It scares me, D.” he looked up, tears welling up in his eyes and even if Dean was angry his heart ached for his little brother, he could only begin to imagine how it felt for Sam to see all he knew had changed “I didn’t mean it.” Sam mumbled, before bowing his head.

“Yeah, you better.” Dean grumbled as he opened the fridge and grabbed a cold beer, opening it and taking a sip.

“I really need to thank you for everything you’ve done too. (Y/n) told me about the hospital and I- I really need to-”

“Sammy” Dean cut him off, speaking more softly this time “Don’t thank me for doing something I wanted. There was no way in hell I’d let anything happen to any of them. And as for this-” he looked around them “-you and me didn’t have it, doesn’t mean Mary shouldn’t. She deserves it, and I’ve made sure for as long as I can that she doesn’t know about what’s after her all the time either. While keeping her safe of course.”

“I didn’t doubt for a second you would.” the younger Winchester smiled, for the first time after Mary’s appearance, fully and sincerely at him.

“So… I’m guessing you didn’t give her a 45 then?” Sam asked with a small smirk and after a second of silence grins broke on their faces and they both managed to chuckle.

“Really? Nah” Dean shook his head “I am honestly just waiting till she’s 9.” he added and they both laughed more.

“Do you realize how messed up we are that that sounds fun now?” Sam asked with a grin and Dean chuckled, taking a sip of his beer.

“Yeah well, we’re the freakin’ Winchesters.” Dean shrugged and Sam nodded his head.

“And there’s just more of us.” Sam whispered and Dean smiled fondly.

“You know, you probably don’t notice it at first but she’s so much like you it surprises me sometimes.”

“Really?” Sam whispered and Dean looked at him with a grin.

“Yeah, she had about eight or ten books spread around her the other time and when I asked what she was doing she just-she said she was trying to read. Of course, she was failing but I swear she looked so much like you that one time we were in Illinois I think- minus probably the braid.” he chuckled softly and for a moment Sam only looked at him, feeling his heart both swell and ache.

On one hand he didn’t even know if he had ever seen his brother smile like this before but on the other he wished he’d be the one to have that kind of memory with Mary. He didn’t mind his brother having such moments with her, if anything he loved it because he knew that Dean was amazing to her, but at the same time he couldn’t help but feel his heart drop as he had no single memory like that with his daughter.

You stood in the doorway with Mary for a few minutes, just smiling at watching the Winchesters laugh and their conversation drift to almost irrelevant topics. For a moment it almost felt as if not a single day had passed and you could almost feel less guilty about your own feelings. You could almost feel that everything was going to be alright and most importantly what the two of them had was not going to be ruined because of, well,  _you_. You almost – but only almost – felt as if Sam had never been gone, as if everything was alright amongst the three of you and you wouldn’t have to tell Sam sooner or later about what was really going on between Dean and you.

Almost. For just a second. Because you cold pretend this was the bunker’s kitchen and you stood on the doorway for a moment, just listening to them fool around and smile because they were always going to be such kids. Gosh you just couldn’t wait to hear that “jerk – bitch” of theirs. How long had it been since you last heard that? It felt like it’s been years upon years but in reality it wasn’t that much. And maybe as you hugged Mary who had her arms wrapped around your neck and head resting on your shoulder you could pretend it was only yesterday but… it would be just that. Pretending.

Reality was different. And it was not as sugar-coated as you remembered it before Sam’s death. Not that hunting was what you imagined your life to be like at first but even that was something you’d gotten used to, something that was actually part of your life and got you to meet Sam… and Dean. And even if this house and normal life was something you longed for, you certainly didn’t want it to be in this way. Yes, maybe you could pretend everything was alright but nothing actually was. You had to tell Sam everything, and actually reveal to Mary who her real father was. Mary.

You shook your head softly and patted her back to get her to open her eyes. You smiled at her as you made your way inside the kitchen “Come on sweetie, let’s make those cookies because you seem to be get pretty tired already.” you told her and once you looked away from her you found both Winchesters’ eyes on you.

~*~

“She will rarely let anyone put her to sleep but Dean.” you mumbled as you gathered her toys from the floor and Sam the plates and beer bottles that were on the coffee table.

It had been almost an exhausting evening but a pleasant one in its own way. Mary seemed to not be having enough of Sam, five hours and even if she felt sleepy and tired she wanted to keep playing and talking with Sam. It was incredible how she already considered him her best friend.

“At some point I thought she was going to fall asleep during the first minutes of the movie.” Sam said with a chuckle and you grinned.

“Well you promised to read her a book, she never misses a chance like that.” you said with a fond smile.

“Really?” he whispered and you chuckled.

“She’s so much like you that you won’t be able to believe. Just- just wait a little, when she lets you to get to know her more. She’s an amazing kid.” you looked fondly at the toys you held in your hands and Sam’s eyes remained on you, a smile on his own lips.

“But then again she’s a Winchester so…” you trailed of with a grin and Sam chuckled.

“You know-” Sam got a little more serious “I know that Dean is being an amazing father to her and I- I wouldn’t want anyone else to play that role if I was gone. He’s been more of a father to me than John and I- I just am happy to see how much she loves him, because he deserves it. He deserves that and so much more, and I don’t want her to stop. I want him to be important for her, just like he’s always been for me because he deserves it.”

“But?” you whispered, frowning at what was to come. Somehow you had a bad feeling.

“But I am here, (Y/n). I am alive and I know it- it might sound selfish or- or something but I haven’t seen my child for- well its entire life. I think I am entitled to be a little selfish, right?” he said in a low voice and you instantly felt bad for him, if only he knew the entire truth. Gosh it would crash him.

“Sam” you whispered, taking a step closer to him.

“I know it’s going to be hard, and I know I should probably wait or something but- I- I can’t really. We should probably ask a professional, wait some time for her to know me but- I’ve waited for so many years, (Y/n). Time runs differently upstairs and being who I am I just- I wouldn’t stop thinking about her and you and coming to this to know that all of this happened, I just- I don’t want to be selfish, I swear. But I came back and she was the only thing I could think about. She was, is and will be everything to me.” his voice cracked an your heart broke all over again as you saw the tears in his eyes “I don’t want to take anything away from Dean but I know that Mary will love him, no matter what happens. But I need it to be out, (Y/n). It’s just- it’s weighting on me like you have no idea. I’ve thought of meeting her so many times, pictured different reactions and all kinds of scenarios and always ended up thinking that I am foolish, that there would be no coming back. But I came and- and I’m sorry, mostly to Dean, but- but Mary has to know the truth. As soon as possible.”

“And by soon you mean?” you bit the inside of your cheek, scared about his answer. Worried about your child’s reaction and certainly… Dean’s.

“Tomorrow, if possible.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Tomorrow, if possible.”

“What?” you whispered, blinking at you hastily put her toys in her box “Sam what are you even saying?”

“I’m- I’m just- I want her to know the truth, she deserves it (Y/n).” he shrugged but you shook your head.

“Yes she does, Sam but- but not this fast. Not in such a rush. She- she just met you! And yes she was really open with you, which is a good sign but- but she loves Dean! Telling her he- he’s not her real father so fast will- it will change everything!” you threw your arms in the air.

“For her or you?” he asked in a low voice and your entire body stiffened.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you asked, but still avoided looking him in the eyes.

“Come on (Y/n).” he whispered, taking a few steps closer to you “Did you forget it? I know you better than anyone else. I may have been for very long but- that doesn’t mean I have stopped being the Sam you knew. It’s still me, (Y/n). And I still can read you like an open book.” the moment he was only a few inches away from you you felt yourself take a step back, hell almost stumble.

“Well then if you can read me like an open book then you’ll be able to tell this: I want my daughter to have a peaceful and happy life, and for that to happen you will need to wait some time.”

“And… you’re avoiding the topic. You haven’t changed one bit.” he said with a smile that was sad nonetheless.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on (Y/n), this is not about Mary and I. It’s about you and I. It’s your own feelings that have changed and you don’t know how to cope with it now that I am here. It’s simple.” he shrugged and for the first time you fully looked him in the eyes.

“I told you I still love you, why can’t you believe that?” your voice was hoarse.

“I do believe that, I really do.” he let out a sigh, running a frustrated hand through his hair “It’s just- I’m not sure how much of that love is the way I remember it.”

“What do you expect me to say Sam?” you almost hissed at him “You were dead- you died in my arms Sam, I watched you bleed and fade away. And then I mourned you, for days that felt like years. And then I learned that if I didn’t put away my grief, Mary’s life would be serious danger. So I stopped being selfish and slowly turned my heart to stone, I’m sorry if you don’t feel like my love for you has changed but I didn’t exactly expect you to waltz back after years- years, Sam, years of being gone. You can’t even realize what your death did to me. You left me, yes you didn’t want it, but just as we were dreaming about this kid and- and what we’d do you left. You were gone just like that. Do you even realize how losing the one you love more than anything in the world feels?” tears had by now welled up in your eyes as you kept yourself from shouting at him. You knew it wasn’t entirely his fault but you needed to vent.

“It’s been almost five years Sam. Almost five, I- I want it to be the same. I wish it could be the same but this- it’s stronger than me and I- I love you, yes I still do, but don’t expect it to be the same. Because I am not the same. I’ve changed, I wish I couldn’t but your death took a lot away from me and even if- even if you are back now things are different Sam. I can’t just snap my fingers and erase everything.”

“Well, if you wanted to you could.” he pursed his lips “But we both know you don’t, (Y/n). Come on, is there any point in lying to me? I know, alright, I can understand that what happened cannot be forgotten so easily but- I’ve had near death experiences before and you- we- we always ended up forgetting about this together. We always got over it together but now you- you’re just pushing me away. (Y/n) come on-” he breathed out “You haven’t given me a single kiss ever since I came back, what am I supposed to think? Other than the fact that your feelings for me have changed.” he shrugged and part of you knew that he was right. But another part of you knew you were right as well.

“I’m having a hard time comprehending it, how can’t you see that? I struggled so much with this the first days Sam, I can’t just- just accept it now as if it’s no big deal. You may have not realized it but a lot of time has passed, Sam. And yes, I am not the same, neither are my feelings.” you confessed, turning your back to him “I’m sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear at coming back but I-” you bit your lower lip ans shut your eyes for a moment. You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t cry in front of him because then you’d have to explain everything and that would be something impossible to actually do.

“(Y/n/n)” he whispered that nickname you always pretended to hate but secretly loved because he was the one to come up with it during your first date and was the only one to use it. You felt two hands on your shoulders and even if you thought you were going to flinch you actually relaxed under his touch.

“I know that it has been hard on you, I can understand.” he whispered as he rested his forehead at the back of your head “I’m sorry if I’m making this even worse for you.” he added as his hands slowly ran down your arms “I just love you so much, baby. For me it feels as if not a single day has passed but it’s too much to ask of you to feel the same.”

“The first years have been the hardest of my life Sam.” you choked out and heard him take a deep breath in “I never thought that day would come, not that soon and I- I felt like spiraling down. I had to build up walls for everyone to try andgo on with my life. I only managed to make it lately- please don’t ask me to-”

“No, no no.” he whispered, burying his face in your neck as his hands slid from your arms and wrapped around your waist, hesitantly tightening their hold on you “I’m not asking you, I won’t ask you of a single thing (Y/n). I’ll wait-” he ended up whispering “I will wait, however long it takes. It doesn’t matter to me, the only thing that matters is you and Mary.”

“Sam- nothing is that simple.’ you shook your head softly, placing your hands on top of his arms around your waist that only tightened around you, making your back press on his chest. And dear lord you have never hated yourself more but you actually caught yourself relax in his arms and lean into him.

“I know, I know.” he hugged you softly and you let a small sigh, throwing your head back and resting it on his chest as you felt his lips on your cheek.

“No, Sam.” you whispered “You don’t.” because it was the truth.

He had no idea how really complicated the situation was. He couldn’t begin to realize the war that was going on inside of you. How almost every fiber in your body ached for him and his touch, how the moment you smelled his scent you longed back to all those intimate nights and those tender kisses and how… the very next moment your mind would drift to the green-eyed man that was upstairs and your heart would instantly hammer in your chest and your skin’s temperature rise at the mere thought of his own kisses.

You were a mess on the inside that Sam couldn’t see, much less actually comprehend. You couldn’t even describe it yourself. It always troubled you, yes, but up until recently you were pretty sure that the one that you’d love forever was Dean. But now Sam was holding you, his arms wrapped around you, squeezing you and his fingers running over your curves and edges making you melt right then and there. Sam was actually back, alive and holding you; reminding you of every little thing that had made you fall head over heels in love with him.

It’s not as if you were a mess already before. Now with Sam hear you had no idea what to think about your feelings in the first place. There was a great part of you that reached out to Sam, all the moments you two has shared seemed to beimprinted not only in your memory but body as well. He was part of you, you knew that for a long while, which explained grately how much it hurt to lose him but… so was Dean anymore. You longed for his touch as well, if not more. You longed for his smile, his laugh and then his lips, his hugs and his touch. And the butterflies that went wild inside your stomach at the thought of the older Winchester proved that he had become just as important as Sam once was.

Question was: Was Dean now more important than Sam?

Because you would have answered the question with a yes easily just a week ago but now… you had no idea.

“Sam, please” your voice trembled as your fingers dug into his arm, not hard enough, but enough so that you could describe it as an attempt to pull his arms away, weak maybe yeah but an attempt nonetheless.

“I missed you.” he whispered and your breath hitched in your throat. There it was. There was that low, whispery voice that he used when he’d tell you sweet nothings, only small words and things that he wanted you to be the only to hear; even if you were completely alone. It always made you weak on the knees. But this time it seemed completely different from any other.

He kissed your shoulder and even if you shivered under his touch you took a deep breath and stilled yourself. You opened your eyes, and grasping onto his arms you slowly pushed them apart and took a step forward and away from him. Somehow you missed the warmth of his body, it almost felt like you hadn’t had enough of him, but you willed yourself to be strong.

“Sam” you said more firmly, as his arms fell from your side and you turned to look up at your boyfriend. Well, ex actually but- hell was there even a term for what Sam was now for you?

“Please, don’t.” you shook your head and he looked at you with that same kicked puppy face that could make you do anything he wanted you to.

“(Y/n)” he reached out for you and you were too lost in his eyes to realize that you only stood there when he cupped your face with both your hands “Have you not missed me?” he whispered as his face inched closer, that same sad look on his face making your heart shatter.

“Sam” your voice cracked, maybe your feelings were not entirely the same but that didn’t mean they weren’t there in the first place “I- I missed you so much you can’t understand.” you choked out and a small played on his lips for a split second.

He didn’t say a word though as his face started inching closer to yours, and his lips approaching yours. You felt his breath fan over your lips, the same tingling sensation making you go back in time and remember the first kiss you’d shared with the younger Winchester. Your eyes closed for a split second, as his lips brushed past yours the only image that flashed through your mind was… Dean’s face. And as that your eyes snapped open and you took in a shuddering breath before turning your head slightly and placing your hands on Sam’s chest.

“Sam, no.” you whispered, pushing him slightly away “We can’t.”

“What?” he frowned deeply in a way that was so adorable if he didn’t show hurt he really was “Why?” he breathed out and you felt a lump on your throat.

“I- I-” you shook your head, taking a step away from him.

You wanted to say something, you knew you needed to say something but you couldn’t find the right words. Thankfully you didn’t have to as you heard Dean clear his throat behind you and walk into the living room. For a moment the thought of him having see it all crossed your mind but you couldn’t bare to think about that as well.

“She fell asleep in a minute.” he said with a small smile that you just couldn’t even return.

“Well, today was an exhausting day for everyone.” Sam said with a soft sigh, not so subtly avoiding to look at the both of you.

“We have a guest room-” you cleared your throat “Well two but, one is closest to Mary’s room. Would you like to…?” you trailed off and Sam rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“Yeah, yeah I guess I’d like that.” he mumbled, eyes casting on Dean for a second and you didn’t have to think hard to know what was running through his mind in that moment.

“Wouldn’t know how to explain to Mary why a strange man is sleeping with her mother, right?” he said a little too bitterly and you sighed, rubbing your temple.

“Sam we talked about that, please.” you said softly and he nodded his head slowly.

“No” he said but his voice held no anger and that somehow hurt you more “We actually haven’t. You’re both avoiding the big elephant in the room and that’s not what my return means for Mary.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” without realizing it Dean took a step forward, his chest puffing out as he took hold of your arm and pushed you protectively behind him.

“Come on, Dean.” Sam let out a dry laugh “I know that look. I’ve seen you flirt with women whether you feel things for them or not. I know how to tell them apart. I know when you look at a woman because you find them attractive, because you have respect for them or because you feel something deeper. I remember the way you looked at Lisa and this… it’s even more serious.” the smile that he had on his face made you close your eyes and turn your head away, fighting the tears away. You couldn’t bear this.

“Sammy”

“How long has it been going on?” he cut Dean off before he could say anything more.

You heard Dean’s breath tremble and you placed a hand on his arm, making him look at you for a second. And you sure as hell saw all the guilt written all over his face. You knew how much Dean struggled with it from the first moment, and then Sam was dead so you both had an excuse. But now he was alive and with you, it was evident that Dean was struggling with this more than you. He felt as if he was betraying him, Dean Winchester betraying his little brother Sam, and that was something that you knew in the end would break him.

Dean looked back at Sam, opening his mouth ready to contradict Sam but you squeezed his arm and stepped in. It was the time to speak the truth, even if it was going to end up with all of you hurt.

“Almost three years now.” you spoke up, surprising yourself with how steady your voice was. Dean’s mouth fell slightly open as he looked at you but your eyes remained focused on Sam.

“Wow” he breathed out, his eyebrows shot up as he sat on the couch’s arm. You saw as Sam bit his lip, his eyes looked almost glossy as he ran a hand through his hair “Well, sorry to ruin your picture perfect family then.” he said as he turned his head on the side, his eyes slowly but surely becoming red.

“Will you just stop it?” you were fast to speak up before Dean could. It was obvious that Sam didn’t feel wanted, unlike his expectations “No matter what is going on between us you- there is no way in heaven or hell that we’d much rather you stay dead!” you tried to keep your voice from raising but failed.

“I’m- I’m sorry.” he shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh “I need- I need time wrapping my mind around all of this.” he got up and you frowned.

“Sam-” Dean who had been silent for most part could only utter before Sam raised a hand and shook his head.

“No I’m- I’m alright.” he took a deep breath, but it was obvious how he was mostly trying to convince himself “I only need time. I missed on a lot of things, I just- I need to catch up. But not here. I’ll- I’ll go sleep at the bunker, it’s not that far away.” he was already making his way to the door.

“Sam, wait.” you voice was soft and even if you didn’t expect him to he stopped on his tracks “Just-” you searched through one of the drawers and pulled out the album.

“Here” you said softly, handing the big album to Sam “It’s filled with pictures of Mary, from her birth up to just a few months ago. I guess you- you should see them.”

Sam’s hands reached out slowly, his fingers brushing with yours for a moment as none of you dared lock eyes. His eyes roamed the album, and a soft smile formed for just a few seconds on his lips as he looked down at the name ‘Mary’ written in beautiful colorful letters.

“Thanks” he whispered, his voice hoarse as he gave you a small nod. His eyes avoiding looking at you and you didn’t even dare move as he opened the door and left. You only jumped slightly when the door closed shut in front of you, but not as harshly as you’d expect.

You let a soft sigh as silence surrounded you and Dean, the dim lighting making the atmosphere around feel even heavier. You slowly turned to look at Dean who was still staring at the door. The moment you locked eyes you realized his as well were glossy. He turned his head on the other side so as not to look at you and biting your lower lip you fidgeted with your hands. In the end you sighed in defeat when you realized he would neither say a word nor even look at you. You blinked the tears that had started forming in your eyes, suddenly realizing what kind of feeling had set in your chest. You were hollow.

When you first lost Sam you had thought that his return would only bring joy and relief to you. You’d do anything to get him back, you’d do anything to be in his arms again, you’d do anything to watch him and Dean hug again and… you’d do anything to watch him hold your daughter. But not once had you thought it would be like this. You felt as if you couldn’t breath, much less stand on your feet properly. It almost felt like someone had stabbed you right in the chest and every time Sam wouldn’t look at you it was if they were twisting the knife painfully so.

Your eyes were burning and stinging with unshed tears and your mouth felt dry at all times. You couldn’t swallow properly and all you wanted to do was cry. Your hands were slightly shaking and each time you looked at Sam you felt as if everything was spinning around you. Your mind couldn’t comprehend the fact that just a few seconds ago he was standing right there very alive, despite what you had seen in your life as a hunter. And as if that wasn’t enough, it felt as if you cold on the inside. Your stomach felt tight, as if it was tied in a knot, and heavy. You almost felt like you wanted to throw up every given moment but you always bit your lip and fought it off.

You let out a shaky breath and walked past Dean and upstairs, stopping only for a moment on the stairs to look at him only to see him stare down at Mary’s toys with a clenched jaw.

~*~

You decided to take a long shower before you went to bed. You let the water run down on you until it was cold, and even then it took you a few minutes to realize it. You had just been standing there with your arms wrapped around you, head resting against the tiles as you thought through everything, every little thing you could have said or done running through your mind. Could have, but you didn’t. And at the same time you wished Dean was there. It had been a long while since you took a shower without him, and even when you went in alone he’d sneak up on you. But he hadn’t this time, and it didn’t surprise you.

When you walked into your shared bedroom you actually found him there. His back was turned to you but you could see that he was looking at something that he actually held in his hands. You decided to make your presence known and not spy on him, you knew to trust him anyway. You cleared your throat, making his head snap at you for a moment before he awkwardly turned around and stuffed whatever he was holding in his jeans pocket. He cleared his throat and turned to you, offering you a soft almost shy smile.

“Are you alright?” you asked in a low voice, closing the door behind you as you approached him.

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his place, rubbing his hands on his sweatpants “I should be but-” he swallowed thickly, as he licked his lips.

“Dean” you took hold of his hand and placed your other one on his chest “I know that things are hard. Honestly I- I am not doing any better myself, but we need to be more calm and careful. We- we need to think of Mary first and this-” you looked down for a second “We’ll figure it out in the end.” you looked back up and offered him a small smile but sadly didn’t get one in return.

“Will we?” he whispered “(Y/n) this is so messed up we-”

“Hey, no” you placed your hand now on his cheek “Listen to me here. I am struggling with this too but-”

“Why didn’t you let him kiss you?” he asked in a rough voice, cutting you off.

“What?” you whispered, blinking in surprise for a moment as he only tilted his head to the side as you let your hands drop.

“Right” you cleared your throat “You saw it.” you mumbled, not even having to question him “Well-” you took a deep breath and looked at him fully in the eyes “Do you really want to know? It’s because I didn’t feel like it. It’s because despite how many times I had dreamed of this moment, of him coming back to me, despite how much every fiber in my body longed for him the moment I closed my eyes… it was only you that I saw.” you confessed and his features softened.

“I couldn’t bring myself to let him kiss me because I- I- I love you to much to do so.” you mumbled, eyes ready to cast down before he cupped your face and made you look at him.

“I love you too.” he breathed out “A lot. Please don’t doubt that… no matter what happens.” he rested his forehead against yours. You wanted to question him, you really did, but you had no will anymore.

The only thing you could do was bring your face closer and press your lips to his and let him kiss you tenderly as you did the same. And this time you didn’t avoid anything, neither pushed him away. Instead you grasped the fabric of his black shirt and pressed yourself flushed to him. And you didn’t let him go for a second. You needed him and you needed him to know it. You had to make him see how important he was to you and how despite Sam’s arrival your feelings for him had not changed one bit… right?

Maybe you were trying to convince yourself of that, who knows.

_-The following morning-_

You chewed on your lip as you fidgeted with your phone for what seemed like the millionth time this morning. Your other hand rested on Mary’s back subconsciously comforting her as she happily ate on her food. Sometimes you wished you could be that age again, free of all worries and troubles but it was nearly impossible.

“Mommy?” Mary’s voice made you look from the phone to her. You tried to put on a smile for her but you were a little too tired. You hadn’t gotten much sleep last night and you had woken up early in the morning. The fact that Dean’s side was completely empty was the one thing that kept you awake up until now that Mary had just gotten up.

“Where is daddy?” she asked, chewing on her bacon in a way that reminded you so much of Dean. Dean. The reason you got so little sleep and stayed awake all morning.

“I don’t know honey.” you gave her a tight smile and she seemed disappointed for a moment as she pouted slightly.

“Why?” she asked after a small pause and you sighed once more as you checked again your phone but saw no reply from Dean, neither call nor text, despite the numerous ones you’d left. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust him, you were actually worried that something had happened. You woke up around five in the morning to find only a small note with a 'Be right back’ on it and nothing else. Dean was gone and although you thought he would be out taking some fresh air like he had done many times before, he actually had not returned yet and that put you on edge.

“He should be back soon, don’t worry princess. Just eat your breakfast.” you patted her head with a small smile and she nodded her head.

Although it wasn’t very obvious at first sight Mary had a really soft spot for Dean. They were really close in a way that made Dean so much more her parent than either you or Sam. She loved him to pieces, making it even harder for you to tell her all about Sam.

“Will he be back with Sam?” she asked out of the blue and you blinked, looking at her curiously.

“How did you think about that princess?” you leaned forward and she shrugged shyly.

“He is really nice to me. And he likes reading books to me!” she said with a cute grin and for a moment you felt as if all air was knocked out of your lungs.

“Do you- do you like Sam, Mary?” you asked in a low voice and she nodded her head.

“Yes he is my best friend!” she grinned and you blinked furiously at what you were hearing. Mary wouldn’t make friends easily and it took her time to open up to someone, or even like them in the first place, this much. It was an undeniably pleasant surprise.

“That’s great, sweetheart. That’s actually great.” you whispered, watching her with a fond smile as all of her attention went back to her food.

“You like it princess?” you asked, trying to get your mind off of Dean and where he could possibly be. You didn’t want to let all the bad scenarios ran through your mind affect you so much that your daughter would notice 釘et it’s not as good as daddy’s but-

“I love it!” she grinned at you and you chuckled, kissing the top of her head as she ate her last piece of egg. Probably a Winchester thing but for such a young girl she could really eat fast.

“That’s my girl.” you whispered, eyes only on her. You wanted to cry and at the same time curl in your bed until all of it was over. And yes, as if you were not struggling enough with Sam’s arrival it was now Dean’s disappearance that worried you.

You couldn’t help but think he was again playing the self-sacrifice card. The one that he had almost pulled on you all those years ago when it all started and the one you really feared he’d pull with Sam’s appearance. It was a Winchester thing to put the people they loved before themselves and you knew all too well that Dean loved Mary, Sam and you more than anything in his life. You were scared he’d do something stupid that according to him was the right thing before thinking it through.

“Someone’s competitive?” you heard a voice and a sigh of relief left your lips before you could realize it. A smile spread on your lips as you looked at the man whose shirt you were also wearing. Dean’s smile was not really reaching his eyes and it made you worry for a moment, but then again you could completely understand why.

“Always” you chuckled, getting up from your seat as he walked closer to you “Where were you?” you whispered, placing your hands on his chest.

“Did you wake up early?” he asked softy and you nodded your head.

“Yeah I was feeling really nauseous and I woke up but that’s not the point.’ you shook your head “I couldn’t sleep after that because I waited for you but you just didn’t show up. Where- where were you Dean?”

“I- I was with-”

“Sam!” Mary’s squeal cut off the older Winchester as you turned your head and spotted the younger Winchester awkwardly standing there. Instantly you pulled your hands away from Dean and took a step back from him. Sam grinned softly as he bent down and picked up Mary who had not missed a beat to ran towards him. You glanced for a second at Dean to see his smile had indeed slightly fallen.

“Hey little one.” he ruffled her hair as she giggled and he set her down.

“Sam?” you whispered, looking between him and Dean.

“Sam’s here to talk. To Mary.” Dean said a little stiffly and your eyebrows shot up.

“I thought we made it clear last night, Sam.” you got protective “You need to wait! I need her to be ready!” you tried not to show at least in front of Mary how disturbed you were.

“(Y/n), Mary needs to know I’m not just Dean’s brother.” Sam said calmly, pleading for you to understand.

“We talked about it.” Dean said softly as you ran a hand through your hair, frustrated.

“Don’t you think I should be included in this talk? I’m her mother!’ you huffed but Dean only sighed.

“We’ve said enough, (Y/n).” he said but you knew how much he was struggling, almost forcing himself to say the words.

“Mommy?” Mary’s voice made you look at her and you tried to calm yourself down “Is- is Sam my uncle?”

You blinked, realizing only then what Sam had actually said and you swallowed thickly. You blinked away the tears and leaned down to be in the same eye-level with her as you tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. You glanced at Sam and his heartbroken look and you knew that despite everything he was right. Both him and Dean were. Mary had to find out, even if it proved to be so hard for you to say it out loud. Sam was her real father, and he had rights. And maybe it was mostly an excuse for you but honestly Sam didn’t seem to need time. She had bonded with him in a couple hours faster than she had bonded with anyone else. Why should you really wait anymore?

“No, sweetie. He’s not.” you whispered and she gave you a deep frown.

“But- but he said he is daddy’s brother. Aren’t you?” she asked confused, looking at you and then at Sam who felt guilty.

“I’m-”

“Baby, please. Can you go wash your teeth if you’re finished with your breakfast? Dean and Sam have a few things to tell you.”

“Tell me?” she blinked, looking with a small pout at her father- or at least the man she thought of as a father.

“Yeah” Dean breathed out instead of you as she was already off her seat “It’s time for you to learn a few things, sweetheart.” he knelt down and kissed her forehead.

“Ok daddy” she said with a small shrug and sigh than if it was any other situation you would have found adorable but now not so much.

_Because this was probably the last time you’d hear her call Dean “Dad”_


	6. Chapter 6

“Hope you’re happy.” you said in a hoarse voice, tears having welled up in your eyes as you crosed your arms over your chest and walked away from both of them.

“Neither of us is.” Dean spoke up as he approached you “But we know that she has to learn the truth, sooner or later. And at this point- it wouldn’t make any difference. She already loves Sam, she doesn’t see him as a stranger so that’s what matters.”

“Right, because it’s more convenient.” you scoffed, shaking your head “Liten to me here, we’ve been through tons of shitty situations. We’ve lived moments we never thought we’d go through and that other people would have been torn apart in but this- it’s no longer just the three of us. That kid upstairs is my life and I don’t care what I’ll have to do but I am going to protect her happiness with everything I’ve got.” you got closer to both of them, forgetting for a moment that Sam would probably see the marks Dean had left on your neck. That and the fact that you were actually wearing his shirt.

“And I know she has to find out, I agree that she has to. But I need you both to understand one thing: no matter what goes on amongst us she stays out of it. I don’t want for a second to see her cry, and I need you both to know that.” you said in a stern tone and after a final look you were making your way upstairs.

Your mood seemed to be changing every five minutes as it seemed but you didn’t care anymore. You were slightly angry, yes, mostly at Dean for having gone to talk to Sam without you there. It almost seemed behind your back and you didn’t want to admit that it mostly scared you about what else he had in mind to do.

“She really hasn’t changed one bit.” Sam whispered and the corners of Dean’s mouth lifted into a small smile.

“Yeah” he whispered in a hoarse voice “She really hasn’t.”

~*~

“Mommy what does uncle Sam and daddy want to tell me?” Mary asked you in a low baby voice as you braided her hair after having helped her change clothes.

“Sweetheart” you whispered “Sam’s not your uncle, ok? He- he will explain it to you later, just please don’t call him uncle.” you knew that calling Dean dad was one thing but having her call Sam uncle hurt more than anything else.

“A-alright, mommy.” she looked down at her stuffed bee and you sighed kissing her forehead.

You heard a small knock on the door and both of you looked up to see Sam standing there a little awkwardly, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets and a soft smile on his lips. He gave you a tight smile that you returned.

“Where’s…” you trailed off as you waited for Dean to show up but didn’t see him anywhere. You’d left them alone for a little while to help Mary get ready and hopefully start the conversation, make it easier for her but no such luck.

“He’s uh downstairs. He said it would be better if- if it was just me and you doing the talking. He’ll come upstairs anytime now but- but won’t do any talking.” he cleared his throat as he walked inside the room, closing the door behind him and taking a look around him for a good few seconds.

You couldn’t help but smile at him. Part of you could understand the nervousness he felt as well as excitement. It was exactly the same thing you felt when you started painting the nursery and the day Mary would be born was nearing. Becoming a parent was a miracle you never could fully understand until you held Mary in your arms. You wanted Sam to experience the same, he deserved it.

“It was really hard for me to pick out everything. I didn’t know what she’d like or not.” you confessed with a shy smile and he breathed out a laugh as he looked down at the little girl who was too occupied with her toys to notice.

“I guess, if she took after her mama it must have been really hard.” he shrugged.

“Excuse me?” you couldn’t help a playful smile, the mere way Sam looked at Mary with such adoration made you relax and only think positively “I’ll pretend as if I didn’t hear that.” you narrowed your eyes at him and heard him chuckle at your expression.

“You’ve done a great job.” he ended up saying in a soft voice “It’s really beautiful.” his words made you smile for a moment.

“Sam do you like my room?” it was that moment Mary got into the conversation and asked cheerfully. Sam gave her a dimpled smile as he sat down on the fluffy pink carpet and you let go of her to sit next to him as you were sitting on her bed.

“It’s absolutely amazing, princess.” he said in such a father tone it surprised you pleasantly.

“Do you want me to show you all the toys I have? We could play a tea party later!” she said with a wide adorable grin and Sam laughed softly at her excitement.

“I would love to, Mary. I don’t have anything else I would much rather do than this.” he tucked a few strands of hair out of her face and she giggled when it tickled her cheek.

“Yay!” she jumped already starting to take out her toys.

Both you and Sam let her have some fun. You figured that it was necessary for the both of them to spend some more time getting to know each other before you said a thing. And as that before you could realize it hours had passed of Sam and Mary playing together. You hadn’t even realized you had been staring at them until Mary mentioned she was hungry. You had made her a quick lunch, trying to make a talk with Dean in the meanwhile but failing because the older Winchester didn’t seem to be in the mood. At some point he said he’d be in your bedroom and as much as you wanted to be by his side more than anything else in the world at that moment, you had your daughter to think of.

You knew it wasn’t easy for him. Especially when his room was only nextdoor and he could hear his daughter – or at least the child he considered as his own – have fun with her real father, bonding so easily in a way that maybe, just maybe, made you a little jealous. It was hard to comprehend but within almost ten hours of interacting Mary and Sam had come really close. Your mind was constantly on him, and you were sure Sam had noticed considering the looks he kept giving you. But even if you understood his reasons and even if you knew you were putting your daughter first you couldn’t deny the fact that Dean was still very important to you.

“Daddy has a lot of toys too.” she started mumbling and both you and Sam smiled, understanding fully well she was talking about all the weapons the Winchesters had collected over the years “But he and mommy won’t let me touch them because they are very dangerous.” she pouted slightly “Do you have any toys uncle Sammy?”

The mere word made all air get caught in your throat and you instantly looked at Sam to see that his smile had flattered. He looked at you, lips falling apart as pain was written all over his face. You only gave him a small nod and he looked down at Mary, slowly reaching out for her and taking her small hand.

“Sweetie” he whispered and she looked up at him with big innocent green eyes “I am not your uncle.” he said and she looked embarrassed as she finally realized her mistake. It wasn’t really because he was Dean’s brother, she called even Garth an uncle. She didn’t need blood relation for that. But it was mostly because you had told her not to call him uncle, even if she couldn’t understand why.

“I- I’m sorry, mommy told me not to call you-” she started but he shook his head with a soft smile.

“No, Mary. It’s not because of that. I- I am-” he let out a shaky breath “I am not your uncle because I-” he glanced at you as you were biting your lower lip “Because I am your father.”

And there it was.

“Wh-what?” the way her voice cracked made your heart shutter. Despite her age she could understand so many things, she was really smart, so she could probably already grasp what he was saying, but you wouldn’t blame her if she struggled to fully understand this one in depth.

“I’m your dad, little one.” he offered her a small smile and her smile was gone as she pouted and frowned, taking her hand away from Sam. A mere gesture that made him frown and fight showing how hurt he was.

“No” she whispered, looking at you “No, my- my daddy is Dean.” she had a small pout on as she pushed her hair out of her face and rubbed her eyes with her small fists.

“No, Mary he actually isn’t.” he shook his head and if it was any other kid they would have probably screamed on cried but Mary was always the quiet one. Maybe at this point this was even more worrying.

“But- but-” she looked at you, tears in her eyes that made your own widen.

“No, no hey. No baby.” you whispered, rushing to her and sitting on the carpet and hugging her close to you “Mary, princess please listen. I know that this is hard for you- I know you’re not-” you almost choked on a sob “Hear him out, ok? You love Sammy, don’t you?” you asked in a whisper as she pulled away and gave you a weak nod.

“Great, that’s great. Then you wouldn’t- you wouldn’t mind if he was your daddy right?”

“But Dean’s my daddy.” she mumbled, looking down with a pout and you swallowed the lump in your throat.

“And he can keep being your daddy, princess.” you whispered, making her look at you “Nobody’s taking that away from you, it’s just that he’s not the only one.” you cleared your throat.

“We just want you- we need you to understand that Dean is not- not your real daddy. I’m- I am your father Mary. I am your real father.” Sam said as gently as you could but you still felt her shake in your hands and you saw her lower lip tremble so you tried to sooth her down.

“Hey, hey sweetheart look at me for a second.” you said, brushing away a tear that had rolled down her cheek “Do you- do you remember that little girl we met at the park, uhm Peggy?”you asked and sniffling she nodded her head, mumbling a cute low ‘yes’.

“Didn’t she tell you she had two daddies? One that she called a biological and one because her mommy was married again?” you asked, caressing her cheek as she nodded her head.

“Are you getting married to Sam?” she asked before you could say anything more “Do you not love daddy anymore?” she asked, this time more tears welling up in her eyes. As said: she loved Dean to death.

“No, I still do lo-” you glanced at Sam before in the end shaking your head, deciding it was best if you didn’t say that in front of him “No, princess it’s not that. Daddy and I are alright… for now. We’re ok. It’s different here but what I want you to understand is that in some situations there are some kids that… can have more or less than one daddy or mommy.”

“And sometimes both daddies love their little girl the way both Dean and I do.” Sam spoke gently and hugging her bee close to herself she looked at him through her eyelashes.

“So- so I- have to call you dad too?” she asked with a pout.

“No” Sam said a little disappointed “You don’t have to. Only if you want to.”

“Do you- do you want me to call you dad?”

“Sweetheart, I’d love it more than anything else.” he confessed and looked down for a moment “You are everything to me Mary, and I don’t want you to feel forced or something. I may be your real father but- it’s only your choice to make if you want me to be in your life. If- if you want it too you can ask me to- I- I will leave and never come back.”

“No, no I don’t want that.” she mumbled, pushing away a few strands of hair out of her face with her small hand.

“Mary you’re my daughter and I love you more than my own life, but as I said it’s up to you princess. If you want to give me a chance then I’ll do my best but- I don’t want you think that I am forcing you. We just- we’re saying this because you need to know the truth. Dean, yes he raised you like a father, but he really is your uncle because he is my brother.” he was trying his best to make this as easy as possible for her to understand but it was nearly impossible considering how complicated the situation really was.

“But- but why didn’t you tell me?” she glanced at you.

“Baby that’s far too complicated for yout understand. We wanted to but- but you loved Dean already a lot and we didn’t want you to feel as if you were missing your dad.”

“So I- I have two daddies? Sam is my dad but- but Dean- Dean is still my dad too, right?” she asked slowly, looking nervously back and forth between you and Sam nodded his head.

“Yes, princess. Dean is and will always be your dad if you want to. I just- I am your biological one, that’s all.” he tried to offer her a smile and she only looked down for a moment.

“My bio- biolo-”

“It means that he’s your real dad, by blood.” you explained softly and she nodded her head.

“My real dad.” she mumbled “Then you- you are the daddy that mommy was talking about with daddy Dean?” she said and actually shocked you with her statement. You didn’t know she had realized such a thing. Even if it had been years since Sam’s death you always had nightmares about him, and whenever you woke up you’d talk with Dean about him. You never thought that Mary had actually heard you though, even if you’d caught her once standing by the door and waiting for Dean to get up.

“Y-yeah, that would be me. I am your dad, Mary. I am your real father. Dean raised you, and he helped mommy take care of you since you were a baby but I- I am your dad.”

“My real dad.” she said once more in a low voice, letting her bee fall on the floor as she walked towards him and placed her small hands on his big ones and he held them softly.

“But- but I love daddy Dean.” she said softly and he smiled.

“And you can keep loving him, I won’t take it away. I swear. I just- I want a chance for you to let me prove how much I love you. And how much I want to be your dad.”

“But- but where were you? Why were you gone? And you weren’t here for my birthday. Didn’t you want to be my dad, Sam?” she asked, looking up at Sam with a deep frown.

Sam’s eyes widened “What? No, no. No sweetie, no!” he breathed out “I wanted more than anything to be your dad. When we- I found out that mommy-” he glanced at you “-was pregnant with you I was the happiest man in the world. I couldn’t wait to meet you, to hold you in my arms but- but there are some really bad people in the world, princess. And they- they took me away from you and mommy before you could be born. So we never met.”

“Bad people? Like- Like in Cinderella?” she asked and Sam grinned softly.

He breathed out a chuckle “Yeah, something like that. Point is I- I wasn’t here. I wasn’t on Earth, I was actually… in heaven, up there with angels.” it was best to put it that way instead of saying 'dead’.

“And with uncle Cas?” she asked, her eyes filled with wonder for a minute and he nodded his head, placing a hand on her small back.

“Yeah with uncle Cas too. So while I was gone my brother, Dean, took care of you and mommy because that’s what family does. And he became your daddy because he really loves you, just as much as I do. And now, I am back from heaven and I wanted to meet you and tell you the truth. I hope-” he swallowed the lump in his throat “I hope you’re not disappointed, I am your dad.”

“I’m- I’m just- I don’t remember you at all.” she said, almost feeling bad as if it was her fault.

“It’s alright sweetheart. I don’t remember my mom, either.” he shrugged softly.

“Grandma Mary? I have seen pictures of her.” she said with a small smile “Mommy says I was named after her.”

“Yeah, princess you are. I had once mentioned it to mama when you were still in her belly. Thing is- I don’t remember my mom, but I still love her a lot because I- I just do. She’s my mother, and she loved me even while I was in her belly as a little baby. She’d talk to me- the way I did with you when you were in your mom’s belly.”

“Did you?” she whispered and he smiled, nodding his head.

“Every night ever since I found out about you. I’d tell you every little thing I thought of.” he explained and she smiled just slightly.

“I saw a daddy in a movie do that.” she said shyly, looking back and forth between the two of you and you chuckled.

“Yeah, daddies do that.” you grinned, glancing at Sam as you couldn’t help the flutter of your heart when you remembered all the times he had accidently woken you up because he was too focused on his conversation with your unborn daughter. You always complained about it but truth was you actually loved it.

“Your mommy usually complained-” he spoke up as if reading your thoughts and you chuckled “I’d wake her up most times without me wanting to but- we were having ome really serious conversations.” he put on a serious face for a moment and in the end smiled when he heard Mary let out an involuntary giggle.

“Mommy usually complains a lot.” she said slyly, something Dean had taught her and you fake gasped.

“My own daughter!” you put a hand over your chest and she giggled.

She turned to Sam “Are you- are you going to be staying or will you go back to heaven?”

“I will try my best to stay here with you for as long as possible, princess. I’ll fight harder than I ever have for you. That is… if you want me to?” he asked sincerely and she looked at him shyly, nodding her head sheepishly.

“Can I- Can I give you a hug?” she asked softly and you heard Sam take in an almost sharp breath.

“Do you want to?” he asked softly and she nodded her head. He looked at you almost in shock and awe, not believing that this was really happening. You gave him a small smile and nod of your head as he looked down at his daughter.

“Yes” she said with a shy smile and he grinned, spreading his arms and waiting for her.

She walked slowly towards him and crawled on his lap as she wrapped her small arms around his neck and he around her small formed. He was not sure at first, almost as if he was going to break her but soon he closed his eyes and tightened his hold on her as she tried to do the same with her small arms. You couldn’t stop the smile from forming on your lips as you heard Sam let out a shaky breath and saw a tear slip from his eyes. You placed a hand on top of his on the small of her back and even if Sam didn’t open his eyes he locked fingers with yours. You saw him sniffle and bit your lower lip, feeling your heart skip a beat.

It was almost picture perfect. No scratch that. It was picture perfect, even if you didn’t realize it. You looked like an amazing little family and even if you didn’t notice it, nor felt like it, that’s how it all looked to Dean. That’s what Dean could only see as he looked through the slightly open door. A picture perfect family in which… he had no place.

~*~

“Wow thank Peggy for that.” you breathed out a soft laugh as you closed your bedroom’s door. Dean had been for most part standing outside of Mary’s room and listening but you’d heard him get into your bedroom at some point. You had now decided to leave Sam with Mary and let them get to know each other more.

“Yeah thank Peggy.” he mumbled and you frowned, tilting your head to the side.

“Dean? Are you alright?” you whispered, getting closer to him as you tried to catch some reaction even if his back was turned to you.

“Don’t know (Y/n). Am I?” he looked up at you and only then did you notice the deep frown on his face.

“What’s wrong?” you whispered, rushing to sit next to him and placing a hand on his arm.

“Well, other than the fact that I hear my daughter learn I am not her real father but her uncle- just peachy!” he gave you a tight smile before he sighed “And I know she’s not my daughter but I-”

“She is.” you pursed your lips, giving him a stern look “I don’t care what blood tests might say, neither how she came to life. She is and will always be your daughter, Dean. Nothing- Nobody will ever take that away from you, and you have just as many rights with her as Sam.”

“Yeah, a little sugarcoated ain’t it?” he mumbled and you brought your hands up to cup his face and make him look at you.

“I am not sugarcoating a single thing.” you said through gritted teeth “I am telling you the truth. That little girl in there loves you to death, you are her entire world. Yes you’re not her biological father but who gives a crap? We more than anyone know that family don’t end in blood. Yes you might also be her uncle but that too doesn’t mean a thing. You are her father, Dean, because you love her as that and she loves you as that. You raised her, cared for her even when nobody asked you to. You are her father, end of discussion.”

You rubbed your thumb over his cheek, letting a small sigh “I’m not saying that we are the best parents in the world, not when we kept such a secret from her but- but Mary could have never been more lucky to have a father like you Dean Winchester.” you whispered, resting your forehead against his “And I’m not taking a no to that.” you added in a more firm tone.

“You are such a stubborn ass.” he mumbled, a small smile tucking at the corner of his lips and you let out a giggle, shrugging; suddenly feeling more light now that Mary knew about everything.

“Must be a Winchester thing.” you said with a small smirk and he grinned, closing his eyes for a moment.

“You have no idea how much I love hearing this come from you.” he whispered and you smiled as he leaned in and pressed his lips to yours. There was an emotion you couldn’t quite comprehend but you knew you didn’t quite like it because it made him hesitate, as if he was in self-doubt.

You shook all thoughts off your mind and pressed your lips harder to his. Without thinking you moved and sat on his lap as you deepened the kiss, biting on his lower lip. He groaned softly, opening his mouth and giving you the perfect opportunity to enter your tongue in his mouth. You ran your fingers through his hair as you pressed yourself closer to his body and your lips harder on his. He wanted this, you knew it, but you still felt as if he was holding back- fact that made you pull away and sigh a little frustrated.

“Alright, spill it.” you pursed your lips and he frowned, trying to give you an innocent look.

“Spill what?” he asked as if he had no idea but you weren’t having any of it.

You shook your head and got up, crossing your arms over your chest “This is not just about Mary.” you weren’t asking, only stating a little angry “This is about me and Sam, isn’t it?”

“(Y/n)” he sighed, getting up and looking away from you.

“No, don’t (Y/n) me, alright? What the hell are you thinking Dean? More so, what the hell are you thinking abut doing?” you asked warily and he clenched his jaw.

“I’m- I’m not thinking about doing a thing.” he said with a slight shake of his head and you glared at him.

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”

“No, I actually have lied to numerous-”

“Dean” you cut him off sternly “What’s going on?” you ended up whispering and he let out a sigh, running a hand down his face.

“Is my brother being back from the fucking dead not enough?” he said roughly and you narrowed your eyes at him.

“No it actually isn’t. You’ve been through this so many times I can’t even count. Why is this time-” you started, speaking more calmly but he didn’t seem to be calm in the least bit.

“Because of this.” he motioned between the two of you “Because of us.” he huffed, striding towards you so that your faces were inches away “Because I can’t fucking look at you without thinking how damn gorgeous you are. Because I can’t keep my eyes off you even when he is there. Because all I want to do is grab you and kiss the living heaven out of you. Because I want to hold you like there is no tomorrow and tell you how much I freaking love you. I- I-” his voice trembled “I love you so much (Y/n) and I- I shouldn’t. I can’t.”

“Dean” your voice cracked as you brought your hands up and cup his face but before you could fully do so he turned his head.

“My brother’s just next door, (Y/n). Next door, and alive. And I am here doing what? What am I even doing here (Y/n)?” he asked, his voice trembling now.

“Sam knows about us.” you whispered, a frown on your face.

“So what? Does that- does that make us feel less guilty? Or does it make this somehow more right? Does him not getting angry even justify how I feel about you? Does it suddenly mean it’s ok for me to love my brother’s girlfriend? Does it mean it’s ok that I want – I still want so fucking much to have children with you and grow old together when- when my brother is-” his voice gave away as he took in a shaky breath, clenching his jaw.

“Dean please don’t do this.” you whispered, taking careful steps towards him “We’ve talked about this, we’ve been through this. Sam will- he has to understand. You make me happy, you’ve made me smile when the only thing I wanted to do was die. You- you are the man I want to-”

“Gosh, please don’t say that.” he cut you off, shaking his head “That was way back, (Y/n).” he looked into your eyes “That was when Sam was dead, when he was gone. He no longer is, (Y/n). Not anymore.”

“So what?” your voice was more hoarse as tears welled up in your eyes “What are you going to do about it?”

“Mary and you need someone but- Sam’s here to play that role. I no longer will have to-”

“You think that’s what it is?” you growled “That you were just filling the hole Sam left? Seriously?” you shook your head “I can’t believe you. Dean, if I didn’t feel the things I do for you, if I didn’t see how much you mean to Mary then I wouldn’t have even thought of not telling her the truth. She’d know all about him if the case was different. If you weren’t this important to us I wouldn’t have let you get this close in this way. You were not filling some hole Dean, you were playing a role far too important in my and Mary’s lives. And no it has nothing to do with Sam’s part in this.”

“Again- while Sam was gone.” he shrugged tiredly and you shook your head in disbelief.

“You think I am with you because I… had no choice?”

“No, no.” he shook his head “I know that what you feel for me is-” he swallowed thickly “It’s real. But what about Sam, (Y/n)? What about your feelings for him? I know that while he was gone you didn’t think about it a lot but now- I can’t blame you if everything you felt for him has started coming back stronger.”

“Dean- what are you even trying to tell me?”

“I- I am not trying to tell you anything. I’m just-” he swallowed thickly “I’m trying to make this easier.”

“For whom? Me and Sam or you?” you felt hurt already “Up until yesterday we were talking about having kids together and now you want to- hell I have no fucking idea what you want! The moment Sam walked into the house you- you’ve shut me off completely. You’re pushing me away and all of it because of this stupid self-sacrifice of yours! Because we both know that’s what it all is about and don’t you dare lie to me!”

“You want me to be honest? Fine, then fine! Yes, (Y/n) that’s what it all is about. You can’t understand how I actually feel to see my little brother stare at me as if I stole his whole life from him when all that I wanted to was to love you! It’s like I betrayed him in the worst way possible, that I took everything away and I can’t help but feel guilty as hell. How am I supposed to be happy when my own brother is suffering? How am I supposed to dream about having kids with you, to spend the rest of my life with you when that’s exactly what Sam all ever wanted? How can I be happy and him not when we all know he’s the one to deserve it the most.”

“You don’t get to decide that, Dean.” you whispered, shaking your head “You don’t get to say who deserves to be more happy between the two of you, because you’re both equally worth it.”

“Come on, (Y/n). You know I’m not-”

“Shut up.” you growled “Just shut up. And do you think I’m not hurting? Do you think I feel alright? I feel like crap for doing this to him Dean, I feel so fucking awful just looking at him and seeing him stare at me in that way that-” you sighed “You’re not the only one that feels guilty, nor that cares about Sam’s happiness but at this point there is  _nothing we can do_  about it. Especially about our feelings.”

“Well, that’s the thing.” he said in a rough voice and you frowned as you looked at him. For a moment you searched his face for some sign until something else caught your attention behind him. Your eyebrows shot up and then you looked at him, your heart leaping to your throat as you stared at what lay on the chair you had only the previous night seen him being bent over.

“Dean” you whispered and he followed your gaze, turning for a moment before he turned to look back at you.

“What is that?”


	7. Chapter 7

“What is that?”

Dean’s eyes remained on you for only a few seconds before casting down. He cleared his throat as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He chewed on his lower lip as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the right words to say at the moment. But he really found none.

“That- That is- I- I am going to-” his voice was barely above a whisper and you could hear and see the struggle crystal clear. Well, truth was you were struggling to understand- hell even try to give a reason to what was on the chair at the moment.

“Dean, what the hell is that?!” you didn’t realize how your voice rose dangerously so, the scream almost making your throat hurt.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment before he finally opened them and looked up to meet your own eyes. And that was the moment your heart dropped to your stomach. A gasp left your lips, even if he said not a single word you knew he didn’t have to. It was the one thing you feared the most once Sam came back and it was really happening. He didn’t even open his mouth to speak, you only stared at each other. You mostly angry and him completely broken.

It was the pieces you thought you had put together with your words, actions and above all love, little by little before and a lot more after Sam’s death. But here he was, maybe worse than before. And this time you feared there was nothing you could do because he wouldn’t let you even try.

“Mommy?” a low childlike voice was heard, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen between you and the older Winchester.

Your head snapped to the direction, almost like a reflex and you let out a shaky breath when you saw your daughter stand on the doorway, green eyes almost wide as she stared up at the both of you. Fear was written all over her beautiful baby face and you hated yourself for that.

“Mary no.” Sam breathed out, just now seemingly having caught up with her – no wonder she had ran off and he couldn’t keep up with her “Sweetheart, leave mommy and uncle- daddy Dean alone.” he corrected himself “They need to talk about things you-”

“Why are you arguing?” she asked with a small whimper as she pulled her hand from Sam’s grasp and walked towards you.

You gave Sam a small smile and he sighed, nodding his head with an apologetic smile. He looked at his brother who immediately averted his eyes from the younger Winchester and Sam frowned.

“We’re not arguing, princess.” you knelt down “Just go with daddy Sam, please? We have a conversation here and we’re not-”

“What’s that daddy?” she asked softly as she glanced at Dean but obviously noticed the one thing that had made you raise your voice.

This time Dean struggled even more because this time he actually had to say it. He had to utter the words, he had to say it for Mary to understand and that would make it all the more real. It was something that he didn’t want to do but at the same time had to go through with. It would have been easier if he didn’t have to face you but now he actually did and on top of it he had to explain this to Mary.

“That’s- Sweetheart, that is- it’s a duffel bag.” he breathed out the word, a little shakily you realized and you bit the inside of your cheek hard to keep yourself from snapping at him.

“Why- why do you have it?” she asked, frowning sadly as she fidgeted with her dress.

“Yeah Dean-” you said through gritted teeth “Why do you have it?” yes you were pissed at him, not just because he was leaving you but because he had not told you a single thing before you saw the bag. Sure he wasn’t trying to hide it, obviously, but he had been hiding his feelings at Sam’s return so that was just as bad. You’d say everything to each other, literally everything. You had a kind of relationship with the older Winchester that most people would usually only dream about but now… it seemed to be over. Or at least this seemed to be the beginning of the end.

He looked up at you, his lips parting. He ended up shaking his head and clearing his throat he blinked and looked down for a moment. He didn’t say a word though and you scoffed loudly, shaking your head. You looked at Sam and he gave you a sympathetic look upon seeing your own eyes glisten with unshed tears.

“Daddy?” Mary whispered and as soon as she took a step forward and closer to him you took hold of her hand and stopped her. Dean took notice and only clenched his fists, fighting his own feelings.

But he didn’t say a word, not until-

“Dean?” it was Sam’s voice, a hint of anger in it – especially at seeing your watery eyes and distressed look – but mostly guilt and sadness. Dean looked at his brother, giving him a half smile that showed how broken he really was.

“Sorry Sammy” he said in a rough voice “About everything.” he added, shrugging tiredly before his eyes went to Mary “I didn’t mean for it to happen this way.” he whispered, still actually speaking to Sam.

“Dad?” Mary whispered, giving him a worried look and Dean sighed, running a hand down his face.

“I’m leaving, sweetheart.” he breathed out and you could hear how his voice sounded full of regret.

“And where are you going?” she asked in an innocent voice, holding onto your jeans.

“I- I don’t know, little one.” he tried to offer her a smile, he didn’t want her to realize how serious the situation really was “I haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Can I- can I come with you?” she asked full of hope and you saw how Dean’s brows furrowed in heartbreak. The mere way her little childlike voice was asking him the question broke your own heart, you couldn’t even imagine what he’d feel. She loved him too much, telling her that she was probably never going to see him again would possibly break her. And for that you hated him at the moment.

“I’m sorry, princess.” he tried to give her a smile but it didn’t even reach his eyes “You- you can’t come with me.”

“Not even for a little while?” she whispered and you shut your eyes, turning your head to the side. The mere way she asked those questions broke your heart into a milion pieces. That was what you wanted to avoid all along, your daughter being hurt. And just as you thought that Sam telling her the truth would make her entire world crumble down it wasn’t him that brought about all this pain. It was actually the man that you swore would rather give his own life than make the little girl he raised as his own tear up.

“I’m sorry, princess. But you- you can’t. You have to stay with mommy and-” he glanced at Sam, his mouth going dry as his eyes stinging with unshed tears “daddy at home.” he spoke as softly as he could to the little girl.

“A-Alright.” she nodded her small head “But- but-” she looked up at you, at Sam and then again at him 釘ut you are going to come back soon, right? We- we have that trip to-

“Mary” you said softly yet in a motherly tone that made her trail off. She looked up at you with a small pout and an apologetic look before looking down.

“I- I don’t know if I’ll make it, sweetheart.” he said in a hoarse voice and you saw his eyes had begun getting red.

“And-” her voice was really low, almost like a squeak “And when are you coming back?” she asked and part of you really wanted to know the answer but the same part of you really feared to hear it.

“I- I-” his voice trembled as he forced his eyes away from Mary, only glancing at you for a second because the glare you had on seemed to be too much for him to handle.

He was forcing himself to be void, maybe he was already feeling numb from seeing the tears in both yours and Mary’s eyes. He saw that even if you had a hard look on that you were hurting, you were just willing yourself to be angry at him instead of betrayed. Not that you could help it.

“I don’t know princess.” he breathed out, his voice cracking in the end so he cleared his throat and only looked at Sam for a good few minutes. Sam who had a dissaproving look on his face that had a hint of anger in it.

“When you will be back?” she asked with a tilt of her head and clenched your jaw.

“Or  _ **if**_  you will be back.” you growled and Dean let out a shaky breath.

“(Y/n)” he pleaded for you with his eyes, taking a step closer to you and you immediately backed away. His eyes widened and his lips fell apart but he swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded just slightly.

“No” you hissed, pursing your lips “No, you have made your decision and I can’t change that, can I?” you shrugged “There is no (Y/n), now. And since you seem to want it- there is no Mary either.” you knew you would reget your words really bad really soon but at the moment you were furious. He was bailing on you, what else could you feel besides betrayed?

“What?” he breathed out, an almost angry but mostly scared look on his face.

“(Y/n)” Sam said in a calm but warning voice tone.

“(Y/n) what are you talking about?” Dean looked at you dangerously, his jaw clenching.

“Just what do you think?” you asked, taking a deep breath and raising an eyebrow. You wanted to look confident but your glossy eyes told a different story.

“You chose this, Dean Winchester. You did this- you’ve brought this to us.” you growled motioned between the four of you “You don’t get to ask me why or how. It is all because of you. You want out? Fine then, fine! You can have your freedom. You can have whatever kind of life you want for whatever reason you want to, I don’t give a single fu-” you bit down hard on your lip, shaking your head as you felt a new wave of tears rush to you.

“You want out? You’ll have it.” you breathed out “But don’t expect us to be here and waiting when you regret all of it. You can leave but once you step foot out of this house you will have no right to come back ever again.”

“(Y/n)-” he stared, his eyes widening in fear as, obviously and finally, realization started setting on him. He had not expected this, not even planned about this but that was what he was going to take in the end. He asked for it after all.

“No” you hissed “You chose this, now you have to deal with the consequences. If you want to leave then the door is right there for you. But forget me and above all forget Mary, you are not going to see her  _ **ever**_  again.” you growled and you knew that probably part of you was going to regret this real bad but at the moment you were a mess of emotions. You were angry, pissed beyond belief and at the same time hurt and heartbroken that the man you loved more than you ever thought you would could do something like this to you.

“What?” his voice was firm, not a hoarse weak whisper as before and you could see him get slightly angry.

“Just what you heard.” you pursed your lips, cursing at yourself on the inside when a tear slipped from your eye and you wiped it away furiously “You are never going to see her again.

“You- you are going to keep me away from her?!” he almost roared and you took in a shaky breath.

“I’m not keeping you away, Dean. You are staying away. You wanted to leave? Well, just go ahead I am not going to stop you, I have a family to think about. A family in which you obviously don’t belong.” you never thought there would come a day when you’d utter these words but you weren’t just angry with him, you couldn’t even feel anything actually. It was almost like there was a hole inside your chest.

“(Y/n)” Sam’s voice was almost strict, as if he was trying to make you realize the mistake you were about to make. But you knew that even if it hurt Mary at first it would be less bad than what could possibly come in any other occasion.

“No Sam.” you pursed your lips “No, he chose this he’ll have it.” your head snapped to Dean “You want to sacrifice what we feel- what you feel and what we have for her and Sam’s happiness? Well there you go, here you have it Dean!” you growled as Dean looked at you almost in horror.

You took hold of Mary’s hand, sniffling and clearing your throat that felt sore “Come on sweetheart, let’s leave him to gather all of his things.”

“Wh-what?” Mary’s voice was shaky and you forced yourself to keep the tears in “But- but daddy-”

“He’s not your dad Mary.” you knew it was the harshest thing you could say, to both Dean and Mary but again you couldn’t feel a single thing at the moment to think about that.

“But- but you said-” she blinked, looking from you to Dean and vice versa.

“(Y/n)” Dean’s voice was hoarse “What are you saying?” he breathed out and when you looked at him you knew that you had never seen him that hurt or terrified.

“The truth, Dean.” you swallowed the lump in your throat “The truth.”

You sniffled and looked down at Mary “Come on, baby.” you mumbled, picking her up.

“Can I at least hug daddy before he leaves?” she asked hesitantly and although in any other occasion you would have broken from the tone of her voice this time you stilled yourself. She’s always give him goodbye hugs before he went away for a few days. Sure it wasn’t hunting exactly but- you could never really stay away from it when Jody needed help he couldn’t say no, much less when she or any other hunter friend was in danger.

“No, Mary. No.” you breathed out, hugging her to yourself and she gave you a small shy nod before looking at Dean.

“Alright.” she said in a tiny voice before looking at Dean who only stood there with red eyes. She was ready to tell him something but before she had the chance to say something you were out of the room, not looking at any of the Winchester brothers.

“Sammy” Dean’s voice for the first time really cracked as he looked helplessly at his little brother. He wasn’t one to break, especially when others needed him to be strong for them – above all Sam and you – but at the moment he felt like he had just been stabbed and a cold feeling was spreading through his body. It was familiar, it was… death? No, he was alive but-why did he feel like it then?

“I- I’ll talk to her Dean, she’s just- she’s angry, she’ll get over this. She won’t keep you away from Mary, she knows how much you love her and she knows how much you mean to her.” Sam said, he too aching at seeing his older brother like this. Maybe feeling guilty too.

“Yeah, right.” Dean only breathed out, voice raspy as he stared at the framed picture he had on his nightstand of the three of you, just a few months after Mary’s birth. A tear rolled down his cheek and he didn’t even have the strength to wipe it away because he knew he couldn’t blame you, he was the one responsible. This time Dean had screwed up majorly and he knew it.

~*~

You held onto Mary for you didn’t know how long. You were laying on the couch you had in her room with her on top of you fast asleep. You didn’t know much time had passed, it seemed as both hours and only a few minutes at the same time. Dean’s as well as your words kept running through your mind, along with every possible thing you could have said and done. You didn’t usually fight so you had not gone through this many times but then again this was completely different from any other time. This was… the end?

You felt your heart drop to your stomach and yourself struggle to breath as you thought about that. You shut your eyes closed and tightened your hold on Mary just slightly. You had been looking over at her as she slowly fell asleep, almost every memory you had with her and Dean running through your mind.

You got up carefully, your eyes feeling dry as your mouth and throat. Were you still even feeling a thing? You carried her carefully to her bed, no wonder she had gotten tired and it was her time for a midday sleep. You felt her stirr in your hands and when you looked closely her yes opened slightly to reveal her green orbs. You hushed her softly, despite the smallw hine that left her lips. You pulled the blankets over her, kissing her forehead gently and tucking a few strands of hair out of her face. You whispered for aher to go back to sleep and with a small nod she closed her eyes again. You heard footstep behind you but you didn’t have to turn to know who it was. Maybe you had come to tell them apart even by their walking.

“He left.” Sam’s voice broke the silence and you closed your eyes for a moment.

You opened them and shook your head, letting out a humorless laugh “Of course he did.”

“(Y/n), what you told him about Mary- please tell me you didn’t mean it.” he whispered and you bit the inside of your cheek.

“No, Sam. I meant every word I said. He chose this, he has to deal with the consequences.” you said sternly but still in a low voice to not wake up your daughter.

“You know that by forbidding him to see Mary he- he has to stay away from you as well.” he said taking a few steps closer to you.

“Exactly.” you said sternly.

“(Y/n) come on.” he breathed out “You won’t really do this to him. Just think about him, think about Mary… think about yourself. You know you’re going to hurt the most from this.”

“I know.” you pursed your lips, surprisingly not flinching away when he placed a hand on your shoulder “But he did this Sam. He did this to us and it wasn’t just your arrival, we know it. Mary was already taking it well, but he bailed on me. There is nothing to talk about here and please-” you stood up, turning to face him “Don’t bring it up ever again. Dean’s dead to me, more than you were the past four years.” bumping shoulders with him you left Mary’s room for fear of raising your voice and waking her up, because you were just on the verge of that.

Sam could only let out a sigh as he looked at the door before turning to his daughter that was sleeping soundly in her bed. He knelt down by her side and patted her head softly. He smiled as he leaned down to kiss the top of her head, his smile only growing as he heard her whisper the faint word “Dad”… only for a moment he wonder who she was really referingto.

~*~

“You know-” Sam started as he walked into the kitchen, seeing you only hold a cup of coffee sitting on a chair and staring at it “-you will break down at some point.”

“I’ve fought the devil himself and his aunt. I think I can take pretty much everything.” you gave him a tight fake smile and he shook his head, sitting right in front of you.

“Yeah but you haven’t had a daughter then that needed her father.” he said softly and you looked at him dead serious in the eyes.

“Mary has her father. And he is standing right in front of me. There’s nothing else she’ll need.” you said firmly before taking a sip of your coffee. It was the only thing that was at hands reach.

“Although I am going to do my best to make up for the lost time and- and I am really happy to know she doesn’t entirely hate me-”

“She loves you Sam, she already loves you very much.” you cut him off, saying in a low voice.

He smiled “I know, and I’m still trying to believe that myself but-” he cleared his throat “She needs Dean as well, (Y/n). She loves him too, maybe, and I hate to admit this, but more than me.” he gave you a mall smile “She needs him ,(Y/n). She needs him here.”

“Well too bad-” you gave him a hard look “Because he left her. He was a coward that didn’t think things through and now he has to deal with that. And Mary- she’ll slowly learn to love you more than him. She’ll grow to love you as she already has more than any of us I know it.”

“And what about you (Y/n)?” Sam asked, without waiting a second and catching you off guard. He didn’t seem mad, angry or anything. Only curious and worried about you and Mary, not what you’d expected when you had told him just the previous day that you were in a relationship with his brother. Were, yeah the correct sentence.

“What do you mean?” you raised an eyebrow but still tried to avoid eye-contact.

He didn’t say a thing for a moment, only offered you a smile and tilted his head to the side “Don’t you know?”

“No, Sam I don’t. You’re the one that brought it up.” you mumbled a little sharply, turning to place your mug on the sink.

“(Y/n)” you heard movement and before you could turn, felt a hand on your shoulder “You love him.” it wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Something that Sam, your dead now alive boyfriend, realized about you and his own brother.

“So what?” your voice you wanted to sound angry but only came out as a weak whisper.

“(Y/n)” he let out a chuckle that was laced with pain “Don’t lie to me, there is no point in that. I know you better than anyone, baby.” he whispered, resting his forehead on the back of your head “And I know this look better than anyone.” he whispered into your hair and you closed your eyes, fighting back the tears.

“You’re already hurting.” he said in a low rough voice, nuzzling his face now in the crook of your neck “And it’s killing me too.” he added in such a low voice you would have not heard if he wasn’t so close.

“Well don’t.” you took in a deep breath “I’m not hurting Sam. I’m just too worried about what can happen to Mary but-but I myself am not hurting. In fact… I can’t feel a single damn thing, so you don’t have to worry.” you gave him a tired shrug and Sam’s hold on your waist tightened as he gave you a squeeze.

“That I can almost believe. But it’s not because you really don’t feel. It’s because all of your emotions are a mess at the moment and you’re so numb on the inside it almost feels like there is a hole in your chest. A hole that makes you feel almost cold and without him here, to hold you and… kiss you and love you that hole will get bigger.” he gave you a small squeeze and you kept your eyes shut to fight the tears. You could hear his voice cracking with every word he uttered.

“It will keep getting bigger, and you can’t do anything to fight it back. Trust me… I’ve tried.” the sorrow and heartbreak that laced his voice made you, despite your best tries, let a tear roll down your eyes. You had been so selfish, thinking about Mary and Dean only, not realizing how Sam must have really had to go through so much. For a moment you thought how his eyes looked darker than the moment you first saw him when you opened the door and youstartedwondering how much sleep he actually got, if he got any whatsoever.

“Sam” your voice came out in a small whimper and you felt his take a deep breath.

“It’s alright, I’m alright. I’m not mad or anything about it, I swear.” he breathed out “I just- I can’t stand to watch you like this, (Y/n). For a moment I wished- I hoped that if I couldn’t make you happy anymore that at least he would but- now watching this-”

“I’m alright Sam.” you cut him off, biting hard on your lower lip to keep yourself from sobbing. You couldn’t even say a few words before feeling like you wanted to break down in his arms.

“No, no you’re not.” he whispered, a small sad smile on his lips “And we both know it. But it’s alright to admit it, (Y/n). It’s alright to let it all out, you need to. If you keep it inside it will just eat you up and you can’t let that happen. You have to bestrong for Mary, yes, but you have to be strong for yourself too. You owe it to you, (Y/n). I know that what he did- it hurt you. It hurt you beyond belief but-” he sighed bringing his arms higher and wrapping them around your shoulders, your hands instinctively being placed on his arms like you’d always do in the past. It was almost an instinct, it happened without your realizing it.

“But once you have to let it out now. Cry, scream, punch something, yell at me for coming back and ruining everything-” he breathed out a small laugh but you clenched your jaw and abruptly turned to face him.

“It’s not your fault.” you said sternly “Do you hear me? It’s not your fucking fault, don’t you ever say it.”

He let out a small sigh, looking down as he took hold of your hands “Thank you, I’m- it’s a relief to know you don’t think that but-” he looked deep in your already slightly red eyes “-But you are fighting something you can’t this time, baby.” he said tenderly and you bit hard on yoru lower lip.

“I need to Sam.” you choked on a sob “My daughter- she- she needs me.” you whimpered softly and squeezed your hands.

“Just let it out, baby.” he whispered “Don’t keep it inside, you need to just let it out. Don’t bottle it up, it will be so much worse. For you to be strong for Mary you need to let yourself feel the pain now. You will be stronger later and- and have a clear mind to think. There are a lot of decisions to make still.” he spoke in a soft voice, resting his chin on top of your head.

“Sam I- I told you I’m-”

“(Y/n) you are in love with him.” boy could you hear the struggle in his voice “And he left, it’s completely ok to not be ok.”

“He-” you choked, closing your eyes “He didn’t say a word, Sam. He didn’t tell me a thing before-” you couldn’t take it anymore as your body started shaking uncontrollably and sobs left your lips. Your knees almost gave away and you would have met the floor if it wasn’t for Sam’s firm grip on you. The tears started streaming down your face and you could feel the taste of blood in your mouth due to how hard you were biting on your lower trembling lip.

You clenched Sam’s flannel in your fists, his familiar scent invading you as you buried your face in his chest. His shirt started getting wet with your tears but you couldn’t even utter an apology as you practically crumbled in his arms. Your entire body was rocking with sobs and you felt a few tears on your shoulder but didn’t have the strength to question him. Sam’s arms wrapped around you, holding onto you as if he didn’t want to let you go and you were holding onto him like you held onto dear life at the moment.

You felt like you had just been stabbed all over again, someone twisting the knife painfully in your chest. It wasn’t just the cold feeling, it wasn’t the emptiness it was just what Sam said. Alll kinds of emotions of abandonment washed over you, making you feel almost like the day you lost Sam. Dean wasn’t dead, yeah, but that didnt make it any less hard. There was only one thing that you could think about, only one thing that you could utter.

“He left me, Sam.  _He left me._ ” you whispered with a broken sob, your breathing uneven.

You had been trying to be strong for longer than you could. You had fought the tears, especially with Mary in your arms. You had even tried to put a smile on your face even if it felt like curling into a ball and crying all the time. But this seemed to be your breaking point. You couldn’t keep pretending to be strong, because you knew you weren’t; not without Dean.

~*~

“But why can’t I stay with mommy?” you heard your daughter’s voice ask just a few feet away, but at least outside the living room to not see the state you were in. Your eyes were red and you only stared at the wall in front of you with a glass of whiskey in your hand.

“Sweetheart it’s too late now, it’s time for you to sleep.” Sam’s voice was gentle and had such a fatherly hint in it it almost made you smile “And mommy’s too tired to talk right now.”

“Is it- Is it about daddy Dean?” you heard her unsure voice and you shut your eyes, trying to hold back the tears at the mere mention of the name. How were you going to ever get over this really? Mary didn’t begin to realize the gravity ofthe situation but you – even if a great part of you regretted it already – were willing to keep going with what you had first said.

“Sweetheart-” you heard Sam let a sad sigh “Don’t stress yourself with this, yeah? It’s- it’s not your fault, either so don’t think about it please. It’s between mommy and daddy Dean, they have to solve this together.” you could only imagine how hard this must have been for Sam yet he was putting it all aside, betrayal or not he put Mary first and not his feelings “This is- it’s adult stuff and you know what that is?” he got a playful tone “Booooring.” he dragged the word and not a second later you heard her let out a giggle.

“But- but they will make up right? They have fought before but- but daddy never shouts at mommy and this time he-” her small childlike voice was full of worry and you hated yourself for being partly the reason to that.

“They will be alright, princess don’t worry yourself about that. You’re far too young and can’t understand. Adults tend to make things a little too complicated, that’s all.”

“But- but she loves him, doesn’t she?” Mary seemed to ask the most simple question to her, and in reality it was, but for you and even more Sam it was the hardest question to answer. He had come to accept it, not fully yet either, but to keep saying it out loud? That was not something he could keepdoing for long, no, you knew it. You knew you should get up and interrupt them, keep her from asking more but at the same time your body would not cooperate.

“Yes sweetheart.” you could hear his voice was strained but above all full of pain and you hated yourself more for that “Mommy loves daddy Dean. She loves him a lot.” you could hear how much he was hurting and without realizing it a tear slid down your cheek.

“So- so daddy will- he will be back again soon, right?” she asked in a low unsure voice.

“I don’t know what to tell you for sure, anymore sweetheart but for now- we need to focus on mommy, ok? She- she’s not alright, and not herself now. And she needs you, she’ll need all your love and I know that maybe she can’t see but I can so I will ask you one thing: can you be strong for her?”

“I can- I will daddy!” she was fast to exclaim, courage in her voice.

“I know you’re a brave girl, pumpkin. You’re a Winchester, we have it in us and you- you seem to have taken after both your mother and my own. Yes, I’ll need you to be strong for mommy from now on. Smile at her and tell her how you feel as often as you can, can you do that?”

“Yes, yes I can.” there was seriousness in her voice you wouldn’t expect from a child her age “I love mommy.”

“I know baby, I know.” the smile could be heard in his voice

“But- but can I not help her with something else?” your daughter asked hopefully.

“At this moment no princess but how about this: tomorrow morning we make sure to wake up really early and make mommy’s favorite breakfast, yeah? It will definitely lift her spirits.”

“Yes yes!” she jumped up and down and you heard Sam chuckle “She makes cookies for me when I am sad too. Daddy Dean- he would bring me pie when I was sad too.” she added the last part in a low voice.

“I bet he did.” Sam’s smile could be heard in his words “Tell you a secret: he’d bring me my favorite snacks when I wasn’t feeling well when I was a kid too. He was always an amazing brother… and a father.” Sam ended up whispering and you smiled sadly to yourself. He cleared his throat “However, just keep in mind that for us to be able to get up early you have to also sleep early. Which means we need you to get to bed riiiiight now!” he said and you soon heard squeals.

“Daddy!” her giggles and laughter filled the entire house and maybe even if it seemed to weird on your lips you smiled honestly.

“What? I am just helping my little princess get to her chambers as she rightfully should. May I help you change and get ready your highness?” he asked and you heard Mary giggle.

“Yes daddy yes!” to say you were surprised to hear her let someone else put her to sleep besides Dean was beyond belief “Can you read me a bedtime story too?”

“Absolutely, my lady!” he said and you let out a soft chuckle without even realizing it.

You closed your eyes, hoping that now that you felt slightly at peace your headache would subdue even a little bit. Maybe the alcohol wouldn’t help that much but you weren’t willing to let it down at the moment.

“Daddy?” Mary asked in a low voice that you couldn’t actually hear “Can I ask you something?”

“Absolutely, baby. What?” he kissed her cheek as she wrapped her tiny arms around him.

“Will- will you ask daddy Dean to come back?”

“Princess, I’ll do my best to bring daddy back.” Sam breathed out, looking at her in the eyes and speaking honestly even if on the inside he felt all sorts of things he willed himself to focus on the ones that had to do with only his daughter’s happiness “I can’t be sure if- if he will want to or if your mommy will let him but- but I will do my best to bring him back.”

“Do you promise?” she stuck out her pinky and Sam had never smiled more widely in his life before.

“I promise.” he chuckled and did the same.

For a good few minutes you sat on the couch, eyes held open as you stared at your drink. You felt your throat burn and at the same time feel dry as your eyes stung with unshed tears- did you even have any more left? You could hear Sam and Mary upstairs and you occasionally did smile when you heard your daughter laugh. You didn’t know what else Sam had told her but you didn’t care, she was all you cared about and as long as she was happy then you were willing to keep going. Even if it meant that you were breaking apart minute by minute.

You felt the couch dip next to you but you didn’t react. You only blinked when you felt a hand take the glass from you. You let a small whine, closing your eyes tiredly “Sam” you said in a hoarse voice, pleading with him.

“No more drinking.” he said softly and you sighed heavily “You’ve had enough.”

And he had not uttered another word before it all became a blur. You didn’t know how many drinks you had, you were sure that at least half the bottle was gone, but you didn’t know if it was enough for you to get drunk or not. What you were sure about at least was the fact that you didn’t know what words were leaving your lips at the moment and that everything was based on pure instinct, on things that you felt.

It had been a long while since you last got drunk, the last one being when you discovered how you felt about the older Winchester and the truth was too much for you to take, so you didn’t really know how to control yourself. You heard yourself say things to Sam and you heard him speak back. You felt him move and you felt yourself do even more, getting closer to him. You couldn’t even comprehend what you were doing, it was both a need and longing for something you had missed but didn’t know what it really was.

It all happened both too fast and too slow. You were in a haze, not understanding anything yourself, and only acted on your feelings; your body had a mind of its own and you didn’t know what could be the reason that lead to all of this. You didn’t even realize when it happened but you knew that the result was one and not changing:

_Your body was flushed to Sam’s, you were cupping his face and your lips had just collided with his._


	8. Chapter 8

_-Flashback-_

“No more drinking.” Sam said softly and you sighed heavily “You’ve had enough.”

“Come on Sam.” you frowned, looking at him “I need that.”

“No you don’t.” he pursed his lips with the authoritative tone he had used a few but very special moments when you were together “What you need is a good night’s sleep, and probably a shower to help you relax too.”

“Hmh” you hummed, closing your eyes for a moment “I don’t know if you’ve forgotten Sammy but I’m not the shower girl. I’m the one for-”

“Baths, rose petals and a few candles for dim lighting because you deep down are a hopeless romantic with of course a hint of vanilla and orange in the air but it always varies according to your mood, meaning it can also be strawberries.” he cut you off, completing your sentence and smirking softly as he heard you let out a small chuckle “Yeah I know.”

“You know me so well.” you whispered, opening your eyes to look at him as you licked your lips “But you’re forgetting-”

“Always in someone’s arms and head massages? No, of course not. That’s hardly something  _ **I**_  could ever forget.” he said with a small shrug, giving you a shy smile and you chuckled.

“Of course you wouldn’t.” you smiled at him, not even realizing how you snuggled with him. It seemed that your body just reached out to the warmth his provided.

“You’re just the perfect boyfriend, the perfect one.” you grinned, shaking your head softly “And to think I was the one to forget most of our anniversaries.” you giggled and he laughed softly.

“You only forgot one or two, (Y/n). No big deal.”

“Hmh you wouldn’t complain in the end, no.” you bit your lower lip, smiling almost shyly up at him “I always found the perfect way to make it up to you.” you laughed and he did the same, nodding his head softly as he brushed a few strands of hair out of your face.

“That you did but-” he let a soft sigh “That’s in the past now, (Y/n). Τhere is no point in talking about it.”

“No, Sam no.” you breathed out, a small pout on your face “I want to talk about it, I need to talk about it. I’ve- I’ve kept it inside for so long that I never- I never showed you how much I appreciated you. And then you were gone and I- I couldn’t-” you sniffled.

“No, no hey shh.” he whispered, his arms wrapping around you “It’s ok (Y/n), I know- I know how you felt about me. I always knew, I never once doubted you.”

“But I didn’t tell you enough, Sam. Not everything I really felt for you. Not how much I appreciated you. You were amazing to me, you saved me and I don’t mean just from the monsters that wanted to kill me. But from my own self.” you fisted the flannel he was wearing in your hand shaking your head “You were amazing to me and I didn’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that please. If anything I am the one that didn’t deserve you.” he whispered, rubbing your head softly.

“Don’t say that either.” you whispered “You offered me so much, more than I could ever think I deserved. And then you- you gave me the gratest gift of all. You made me a mother.” you closed your eyes, a tear sliding down your cheek “I can still remember every second of it, from finding out I was pregnant to holding her. Gosh she was so small Sam, you should have see her.” you looked up at him, eyes glossy. You knew you were rambling slightly but you felt better at letting your emotions show.

“She was?” he asked in a whisper and you nodded your head.

“When I saw her I thought that nobody could have ever guessed she was yours. She was so small and the moment I held her she just curled in my arms and fell asleep. She was so beautiful Sam and for a moment I swore I could see you in her.” you smiled, looking down at your hands and Sam slowly brought one of his hands to hold yours.

“She’s taken a lot after you too, her smile is just like yours. I’ll admit I am incredibly sad that I- I wasn’t there when she was born but be it as it may I- I wouldn’t change the moment she called me dad for anything in the world.” he breathed out and you smiled.

“I really wish you’d been there when she first started talking.” you giggled “She just wouldn’t stop talking, literally all the time she had something to say. And gosh did she learn fast.” you breathed out “Just like her daddy.”

“She’s a wonderful kid, I’ve realized that.” he whispered and you smiled “But again- she is an awful lot like her mother, what can I say?” he breathed out and you laughed.

“I’ll admit: she adores bubble baths a lot too. She’s had more than I’ve had myself in the past years.”

“Does she?”

“Yeah but- Honestly-” you bit your lip “Can I tell you something Sam?”

“What?” he tilted his head to the side with an adorable smile, mostly because he realized you were already slightly tipsy.

“I’ve missed it.” you breathed out, closing your eyes as your head rested on his shoulder “So fucking much.”

“Well, you have a bathtub. You could have a bath anytime you want.” he said with a soft chuckle, mostly at how adorable he thought you looked. Sure it was all thanks to the alcohol but he missed seeing this side of you with everything that you had to worry about practically ever since Dean received The Mark of Cain.

“I don’t mean that.” you said almost a little sleepily and opened your eyes to look at him “I mean you. Everything that I had with you, from the bathtubs and massages to the breakfast in bed. Everything.” you closed your eyes, snuggling even more with him.

“(Y/n) what- what are you saying?”

You laughed softly “Gosh I can’t believe what I am saying right now.” you swallowed down hard “I can’t believe- I love Dean, Sam I love him so much yet I- I missed you so damn much too.” you choked on a sob, nuzzling your face at the crook of his neck “Is it wrong?”

“No, baby.” he breathed out, closing his eyes for a moment “No it’s not wrong.” he whispered kissing your forehead softly “We’ve been through so much that nothing can take it away.”

“I thought that it was over, Sam.” your voice trembled “I thought that I had dealt with that, that months after your death and when Dean and I were-” you felt him stiffen beneath you so you just cleared your throat “I thought that it was over, Sam. That I had come to terms with it, that it had all happened for a reason but Sam I-” he felt and later saw a tear slip from your eye “I missed you so fucking much.” you almost choked on a sob.

“Oh (Y/n)” he breathed out, shifting so that you were sitting on his lap and he could cup your face to wipe away the tears “Please don’t do this to yourself.” he whispered, resting his forehead against yours.

You sniffled, finally looking up at him and trying to give him a weak even smile “I never deserved you, that’s why I lost you in the end.”

“Don’t say that please.” he frowned and you let a humorless chuckle out.

“Can we get any more cheesy? This reminds me of something.” you whispered and he smiled just slightly.

“Our first date, yeah.” he breathed out, an adorable but sad smile on his face.

“You were so nervous, you were stuttering and almost knocked everything out in your way.” you giggled, nuzzling your nose with his “Dear Chuck, I swear I found myself falling in love with you all over again that night.”

“Did you?” he whispered and you nodded your head shyly.

“How could I not Sam? You’ve always been great to me, you were all I ever needed, all I ever wanted. I caught myself wondering so many times how you above all could love me in such a deep and true way. Sometimes… I still wonder.” you whispered, letting your head fall back on his shoulder.

“Why?” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I thought it would be all over Sam, at some point I thought it would be over.” you spoke after a long pause as if you almost didn’t hear him speak “I hated the fact that it had to be with your death but I forced myself to keep going for Mary. Despite how much I loved you. And I thought that- I really thought that I had managed to keep going but I-”

“You?”

“I can’t Sam.” you pulled away for a moment “I can’t keep going, not without you. I did all of this because you were gone and I thought I was doing alright but I wasn’t and gosh I loathe myself for this but I miss everything about you, everything about us.” you cupped his face as his own hands fell on your waist.

Sam didn’t dare say a word, he only swallowed thickly; almost holding his breath.

“From the way you held me, to the way you kissed me and- and to the way you made love to me.” you smiled, closing your eyes as your forehead once more rested against his “To the way I’d wake up and find you there just gazing at me in the most creepily romantic way.” you breathed out a laugh “And to the way you told me how much you loved me when we moved and pushed together at night, wherever that would be.” you smiled to yourself for a moment. You opened your eyes and looked deeply in his eyes.

“I missed you so much Sam.” you whspered “I never admitted it even to myself after what happened with Dean but- but it was there. I felt it, I always felt it but didn’t know what it really was. And when you came back I-” you let out a shaky breath “I love you so much Sam.”

“What?” Sam blinked as he felt you press yourself closer to him “No, (Y/n). You’re- you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying. And you- you miss-” he felt a lump in his throat that almost prevented him from speaking “And you miss Dean. You’re hurt because he left, you don’t miss me. Not me. You want him here and- and just because you’re drunk you-”

“No, no.” you insisted, holding tightly on to his flannel as he tried to pull away “No I- I missed you, Sam. I know I have missed you, I know you are the one I need at the moment. Dean’s-” you swallowed hard at the name, shaking your head.

“Have you forgotten all we have been through?” you whispered and he let out a pained sigh.

“I could never forget.”

“Well-” your eyes roamed his face “Neither have I. I see it all, Sam. I relive every moment in my dreams, everything we’ve been through.” you breathed out; and Sam held your gaze for a good few minutes just like you did. The small confession was hanging in the air between the two of you. Sam’s lips were parted as he wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the right words to.

But maybe he didn’t have to. You didn’t realize when it happened, you didn’t even realize it when your eyes casted down for a moment at his lips. The only thing you realized was that your lips collided with his hard. You heard Sam let out a gasp and you found the opportunity to deepen the kiss. You bit on his lower lip, licking it afterwards before entering your tongue in his mouth. Despite your mind being clouded by the alcohol you savored the taste and remembered it, realizing that you had never indeed forgotten it.

Sam moaned slightly when you shifted on his lap. He tried to push you away but he didn’t seem to try hard enough, he obviously didn’t want to very much as it seemed because with the strength he had he could have pulled away any minute he wanted and kept you at bay. But he didn’t. His eyes fluttered shut and as much as he hated himself for it his grip of your hips tightened and he pressed himself closer to you. He felt your chest push against his and he let out a soft growl when your legs wrapped around his waist.

“(Y/n)” he moaned but you didn’t let him utter another word as you kissed his lips hungrily.

Sam could taste the whiskey in your lips and almost felt getting drunk himself. Not that it was because of the amount you’d had but because of your lips on his, kissing the life out of him, and your hands roaming his chest and abdomen running oer and down his shirt. He had not realized how much he’d actually missed that. Your lips felt amazing against his, kissing him passionately as you now ran your fingers through his hair. Sam couldn’t hold himself back and his hands starting roaming your back, up and under your shirt as he fidgeted with your own clothes.

“I’ve missed the sound of that.” you said in between kisses.

You let out a soft moan when Sam’s hot tongue started battling with yours. You felt his teeth graze over your lips as he bit only slightly, starting to show you his dominant side even more. Sam could be the sweetest guy of all but when he’d have missed you in bed then he didn’t care about gentle. He just went for it and whatever his instincts told him to. And at the moment what he wanted was you. All of you, to taste, to fill, to have. He’d missed you just too much and as much as he denied it to himself as much he tried to hold back he couldn’t. The way you would always make him feel could not be compared to any other woman so he didn’t even try to find someone to drown his sorrows in, the way his brother would do sometimes or he had done in the past- before he met you.

Because with you, no matter how you ended up, it was pure, and it was true and it was full of love. Sam loved you, maybe too much for his own good but he did. And he couldn’t find himself to feel any different, so he was damned to need you like he needed air. And that meant that it would all build up at some point, just like it now had and Sam could not hold himself back.

And the moment he felt you rub yourself on him he’d had enough. With a small growl he grabbed you by the hips, his fingers almost digging into your skin even through your jeans and he lifted you off the couch. You were the one to gasp this time as you felt yourself being carried to a different place and you knew very well which one that was: the bedroom.

-End of Flashback-

“Daddy no!” were the first words you heard as you walked down the stairs.

You rubbed your eyes with the back of your hand, sleep still lacing most of your features. The empty side of your bed along with some banging and the smell of something great woke you up from your slumber and made you get up. You were more careful as you approached the kitchen, not wanting to make a sound. You stood on the doorframe, peaking at the sound of laughter: your daughter with Sam.

“What, does my princess not like to be carried like this?” he asked as he gracefully balanced her on his shoulders.

Mary giggled uncontrolably “Daddy! You are so tall, and I am scared of heights!”

“Really? But you’re an angel, how come you are afraid of heights?” he made a funny frowny face and you bit your lip to keep yourself from laughing.

“I’m not an angel daddy Sam.” she shook her head, laughing as she tried to tuck a few pieces of hair out of her face.

Sam picked her up and held her now in front of him “Really? Then how can this beauty ever be explained?” he asked and she giggled, hiding her face behind her hands.

“Alright then-” Sam let a small huff as he let her sit on the kitchen counter “How about we get done with this pancakes and think of something else to cook too? We have some time.”

“Yes daddy!”she grabbed a wooden spoon, her eyes sparkling as she looked up at him with a wide grin. And you could swear that for a moment you felt your knees give away at the sight in front of you. She was getting closer to him faster than you could have ever imagined.

“Alright, little chef.” he scooped her up again, and rested her on his hip “Let’s get done with this and maybe you can also braid my hair later too.” he chuckled when she grinned widely at him.

“Yes yes I want to braid your hair! Daddy- will you come later with me at the park? Mommy and daddy would always come with me.” she held the big spoon in her small arms and Sam grinned at her.

“I would love to, sweetie. If mommy wants me there too then yes, I would want nothing else more.” he kissed her on the head, closing his eyes for a moment as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Only then did you realize that not only had they prepared lots of things to eat but Sam had also helped her get dressed and ready, quite well might you add.

You stood there for some time, just looking at them interact. It was a sight for sore eyes and even if you felt like crap both from the hangover and what had happened with Dean the previous day. Only a few minutes later Sam took notice of you and with a smile you decided to join them in finished the eggs and bacon; pretending that you had just come into the kitchen and not been standing there for a good while.

~*~

You rubbed your temples as you looked at the warm cup of coffee in front of you. Just like you liked it, in the past at least. You had changed lots of things after Sam’s death and as crazy as that sounded your coffee was included. But Sam wouldn’t know about that so he had prepared it the way you used to drink it, and you couldn’t deny you actually had missed that too.

“Mommy?” you heard a low baby voice and you blinked rapidly, looking up from your cup.

You smiled, a small and tired but at least honest smile “Yes baby?” you asked and she smiled even more at you.

“Do you like the pancakes? Daddy and I made them!” she said proudly and you grinned at your daughter in the end.

“Did you sweetheart? Wow I would have never thought! I imagined you got a chef or something here to cook for me! It’s absolutely amazing, all of it!”you grabbed her face and kissed both her cheeks as she giggled “Thanks you so so much!” you grinned as she smiled up at you widely, even if you knew the truth yourself.

“Aren’t you going to give a thank you kiss to daddy? It was his idea!” she said with the same innocence that made you wish you could be her age again so that you’d forget about all of your problems.

“Of course baby.” you said softly, looking at Sam who was a little silent all this time.

“Thank you, Sam. For everything.” you said honestly, looking him deeply in the eyes and cupping his cheek as you kissed the other tenderly; your face lingering close to his for longer than you should.

Mary smiled at the two of you as she grabbed her bottle filled with orange juice “Mommy did daddy Sam sleep in your bed last night?”

“Why are you asking, sweetheart?” you frowned, sharing a look with Sam.

“Well, he is my daddy. Just like daddy Dean is. Since he is not home now, should not daddy Sam sleep in your bed?” she asked and you let out a sigh of relief, taking a large sip of your coffee; trying to calm yourself down. For a moment you were scared she had seen something and was only asking for you to actually just say it out loud and verify it.

“No sweetie.” Sam spoke up before you could “Just because I am your daddy doesn’t mean I have to sleep with mommy.” he spoke gently and you chewed on your lip, frowing at what his words made you feel. Why did you feel a pang in your chest at the obvious rejection?

“Oh alright.” she nodded her head, going back to her food.

You bit hard on your lower lip as you glanced at Sam for just a split second “Thanks” you whispered and he shook his head.

“Don’t sweat it.” he mumbled, taking a large sip of his own coffee; his eyes remained focused on the little girl in front of both of you.

“No I mean-” you started saying in a voice just a little bit lower than a whisper so that he could only hear “For everything… including last night.”

He let out a small sigh, glancing at you “You were drunk, there was no way I’d take advantage of you.” but he still didn’t meet your eyes completely.

“I know you wouldn’t, you’re too good for that.” you smiled softly “I just- I still need to thank you, I- I can’t remember what I said or did but-” you sighed “I’m sure it’s not really something right considering the situation.”

Sam’s lip pursed for a moment as he stared down at his drink, remembering the events of the previous night as your words had not stopped running through his mind ever since “Don’t thank me, I know it was the alcohol talking.” he mumbled tiredly and chewing on your lip you kept your eyes fixated on him for a good few minutes.

“No it wasn’t.” you whispered and he paused mid-movement before slowly turning his head to look at you “I mean I was the one talking after all, it was my words. Maybe I- I didn’t fully realize what I was saying, maybe I couldn’t control it but I still- I still was the one to do the talk and I still was the one to express-” you cut yourself off, pursing your lips as you frowned. Truth was that you didn’t remember a thing of what you’d said but as it happened most of the time when you got drunk you just spilled the truth.

“What?” Sam whispered, a deep frown on his face as you let a small sigh.

“My feelings, and my thoughts. I- I really don’t remember a single word but I just- I need to get that out. It happens when I’m drunk and I- I just spill everything out. I think that no matter what I said, even if I don’t like it, you should know it’s the truth.” you swallowed the lump in your throat, looking him in the eyes. His eyebrows shot up and his lips fell slightly apart. He blinked, clearing his throat as he looked down.

Maybe you didn’t remember a single thing you said but the expression on Sam’s face told that maybe the things you had actually uttered were important.

“Did I- did I say something that-?” you asked softly, glancing at Mary.

Sam kept his eyes focused on yours before finally shaking his head and as he spoke you noticed he avoided looking at you “No, no really nothing- nothing I wouldn’t expect. Mostly about Mary and- and all you did for her.” he gave you a smal shrug, smiling at the little girl in such a fatherly way that made your heart melt.

“A-alright.” you nodded your head, playing slightly with your food as you bit on your lower lip “And- and about what happened after that I-”

“(Y/n)” he let a soft sigh, but this time he seemed more calm; like the Sam you always remembered “It’s alright, I can understand. You miss Dean and everything you two had. It really was the alcohol talking right there.” he gave you a weak shrug, smiling at you and you tried to do the same but failed.

“Yeah I guess that’s it.” you mumbled, tucking a few strands of hair out of your face “I’m sorry you had to deal with that and- and thank you for holding back, too.”

“I never once did something you wouldn’t want me to.” he said softly and you smiled with a nod, remembering it all too well.

“I know, Sam. I know.” you breathed out, all attention going to the little girl sitting in front of you.

~*~

“She’s really energetic sometimes.” you said with a giggle as Sam slumped next to you on the park’s bench.

“Yeah I uh I figured that out.” he said out of breath, but still smiling as he watched his little girl run around the playground, having found a new companion now.

“It only happens with people she really loves, don’t worry. She might wear you out in the end but it will all be worth it.” you grinned, holding her stuffed bee that she’d left for you to hold as she played.

“I know, I’ve come to realize it and I couldn’t be happier about it.” he breathed out with a dimpled smile as he looked at his baby girl play.

“Until of course someone else comes to play.” you added with a shrug and it didn’t take long for his smile to drop and a serious expression to take over.

“Mary’s too young yet.” he said, an almost adorable frown setting on his face.

“I’m not saying now but sooner or later a boyfriend will come and then you won’t be able to-”

“Hey, enough alright?” he huffed, shaking his head as he blinked as if he tried to shake the thought of his mind “I don’t want to think about that already, ok?”

You couldn’t help a giggle as you hugged the bee yourself and sighed softly “They grow up really fast though, and that’s something neither of us can change.” you whispered and he nodded his head softly.

“Unfortunately. There are always things we can’t change.” he whispered and you slowly turned your head to look at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you got defensive although your voice tone didn’t raise.

“Nothing, just nevermind.”

“No, Sam I will.” you pursed your lips, feeling once more an uncharacteristic pang in your chest “What are you implying?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be such a surprise if she replaced me with someone else anyway. It happens easily.” he shrugged, biting the inside of his cheek quite bitterly.

“I can’t believe you right now.” you shook your head bitterly “I never once replaced you! You were, are and will always be the one I love.”

“And then what is Dean to you?” he asked, turning to look at you but you just sighed heavily.

“Dean is different, what I feel for him is different. But you Sam- you have and will always have the same place in my heart, nothing can or will ever change that. I told you so and I- I can’t believe you still think I am not telling you the truth.” you looked down in disappointment. No matter what had happened between you and Dean, Sam was always going to beimportant to you and it hurt you to see him not believe you.

“I’m sorry.” he sighed, running a hand down his face “Gosh I am really sorry. You must feel like crap and I- I am making things so much worse.” he swallowed thickly “I’m just- I’m trying really hard to deal with it myself.”

“Sam” you took a deep breath “Can I ask you something? What- what did I tell you last night exactly?”

Sam paused for a moment, not looking at you or even Mary. His eyes casted down and fidgeted with his hands as he instantly felt bad for the words that had just left his lips. He knew, maybe more than anyone including you, that he was still important to you. The things you had told him the previous night only proved that and Sam didn’t have a single doubt that he meant a lot to you, despite how much time had passed. But at the same time there were moments he couldn’t help but feel bitter, angry even at the time he had lost. He knew it wasn’t your fault but he still felt as if he had been replaced in both yours and Mary’s life by his own brother, and that was a feeling he just couldn’t shake off.

“It doesn’t matter (Y/n), not anymore.” he shook his head, offering you a small smile as he looked back at Mary.

“Right, it doesn’t.” you mumbled, looking down “You know, you say it’s my fault-”

“I didn’t say it.” he said apologetically as he finally looked at you.

“Yeah well- you implied it.” you gave him a sad smile “Just as bad.” you swallowed, feeling your mouth go dry “I tried to hold on Sam, I really did.” you whispered “But I felt like slipping away, there were times I prefered death instead of- of going on. The only reason I really didn’t-” you held back your tears “It was because of Mary, because her life depended on me. I tried to fight it all, I swear I did but I- I was weak, I know I have always been and I realized it even more now. I’m sorry I couldn’t be brave, not the way you always wanted me to- not the way you asked me to when you left not-”

“No, no (Y/n).” and oh had he never felt worse in his life, he was taking it all out on you when he knew you were the one to blame the least. He knew how much you still loved him, it wasn’t your fault he had died yet he took it out on you without thinking.

“No, please.” he breathed out, taking hold of you and wrapping his arms around you the way he’d always done “No, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself, I- I don’t blame you. I am not putting the blame on you, I swear. I’m an idiot sometimes, I know.” he whispered as you buried your face in his chest.

“No, you’re not.” you whispered as you pulled slightly away but still in his arms “I’m the one that messed everything up. I’m the one that screwed it all up, Sam. I’m- I’ve-”

“Don’t say that please.” he gave you a squeeze “It’s ok, it’s all ok. And it’s alright-” he paused “It’s alright to miss this, it’s alright to miss me and everything else we’ve lived, everything we’ve been through.”

You gasped softly, pulling just slightly away so that you’d look at him. You had not said a word yet he could almost read your mind. It wasn’t usually such a surprise considering how well he actually knew you, but at the moment it almost felt as if he was replying to the things you really wanted to say but couldn’t. What had you really said the previous night?

“You can’t just erase all those years just like that, (Y/n). Even with my death, nobody expected you to forget everything we’ve lived- or how you felt about me just like that. You’ve messed up, maybe but it isn’t entirely your fault- if not at all. You can’t control your feelings and I- I don’t blame you for that, even if I seem pissed off at time I’m just-”

“Hurt” you whispered and he gave you a sad smile.

“I can’t lie to you about that.” he said, looking down at your hands as he placed his on top of it.

“And how is that supposed to make me feel any less guilty Sam? I hurt the man I- I thought about spending the rest of my life with, the man that I- I have a kid with the man that I-”

“Stop thinking about it.” he whispered, tucking a few strands out of your face as he cupped your cheek “Stop stressing yourself over it, alright? We have a kid to think about. She is a priority right now.”

“Yeah she is.” you nodded your head, slowly leaning into Sam and resting your head on his shoulder as he held you tightly in his arms “Our daughter.” you said faintly, the words sounded so foreign in your lips. You had said them before, but every other time they held a different meaning to them. At first she was not born and you were only a month or two pregnant so you could’t fully understand the importance of it. Later it was directed to Dean and even if it still felt real and honest, eve if it still felt serious you couldn’t understand what this really meant. Now with Sam, knowing deep down he was the one that actually helped you create her, hell even feeling it you could understand how important those words were and you felt your heart leap to your throat. If it wasn’t for Sam you wouldn’t have the little angel playing ust a few feet away, so yes the words now held such a bigger importance in them and you couldn’t lie about that.

You didn’t realize it when your eyes casted down to your hands, you were too caught up in your thoughts. Part of you repeated the words in your mind, thinking about how you were actually standing here with the father of your daughter – a dream you’d had so many times but had to forget about when he died – and another, great part of you, thinking about that man that would sit in the very same place every other time but was now long gone. Dean. And as hard you tried to fight it, as hard as you tried to focus on the man whose arms were around you, no matter how hard you tried to focus on Sam, you couldn’t help but think about him, long for him even if it had been just a little more than 24 hours he was gone.

You longed for him, that you couldn’t deny to yourself.

“Mommy?” you heard Mary’s voice and felt a small shake so you blinked and looked up to meet her eyes.

“Hey princess.” you smiled as Sam bent down and picked her up, sitting her on his lap as she looked at the both of you.

“When are we going to see daddy Dean?” she asked and your back straightened as you looked at Sam who had a frown on.

“Why the sudden question princess?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her.

“I just- I just really wanted to see him and talk, that’s all.” she mumbled, looking down with a small pout.

“Princess-” you got more serious “-there’s no chance in that.” you said, maybe a little too harshly but you had to do this for her.

“But- but why?” she asked with a pout and a small whine and Sam gave you a worried but also warning look.

“(Y/n)” he said in a low voice and you could understand fully well what he was trying to say, but you weren’t having any of it. You knew that he’d do anything for Mary to be happy and that could mean taking Dean’s side in this, not that it would surprise you either way.

“No Sam.” you glared at him before finally looking at her “Sweetheart, that cannot happen because daddy Dean is not here anymore. He left, for good and he’s not coming back.”

“But- but how? I- I saw him.” she frowned, looking from you to her father who had a sympathetic look on his face.

“Saw him where baby?” he asked her softly but you frowned deeply.

“Mary” you said and she looked at you.

“He- he was there, with Baby.” she pointed at the parking lot where only one place was empty “He- he was smiling at me the way he always would.” she said innocently and you took a deep breath, closing your eyes and burying your face in your hands.

“I’m gonna have to talk with him.”


	9. Chapter 9

“I’m gonna have to talk with him.”

“No, (Y/n).” Sam breathed out seeing the expression on your face “No, please. I- I can talk with him, you don’t seem in the state to-”

“I’m in the perfect state, Sam.” you huffed, taking Mary from his arms, but you were more hurt about something else “I told him, I made it clear that he and Mary could not see each other and he-”

“Should just accept it? Gosh, (Y/n) do you even hear what you’re saying?” the anger was evident in his voice, hell frustration, but his expression and everything else showed how calm he was – for Mary obviously – and you averted your eyes, kissing your daughter’s forehead. You almost recoiled at his words. In all the years you’d been with Sam you had seen him angry and let down only a few times, and each of them you didn’t dare say a word as it made you realize the seriousness of the situation.

“This is Dean we’re talking about, my brother Dean. He’s the most stubborn man you’d meet in your entire life. He never goes down without a fight for what he wants and now with Mary- did you really think he was just going to let you keep him away from her like that? He was just too shocked, even if he didn’t admit it, and he was a wreck for hurting you so he did’t insist on it, but- he’s not going to stop wanting to see her.”

“I only want her to be happy.” you whispered, Sam’s words cutting you like a knife. Maybe you had been too heartbroken when you saw Dean was leaving, maybe too disappointed and angry at the same time and you couldn’t control your actions or words, and it all lead to you looking like the worst mother ever but it was the only thing that lessened the pain and that in your foggy mind had made sense.

“And I know that, I understand that- better than anyone, remember?” he whispered, getting closer as he palced a hand on the small back of your daughter who only looked between the two of you with a frown.

“I know, that’s why I understand (Y/n). We’ve made so many dreams about this little girl, about this life, and we almost had it. Having it taken away, especially in this kind of way, it turns you into a person you don’t want to be. But- but don’t do this to Mary, (Y/n). I wanted to wait to talk about this but-” he sighed, licking his lips as he looked down at your daughter.

“Sweetie, will you go back to playing? Mommy and- mommy and daddy have some talking to do, alright?”

“But- but I want to hear if it is aboout me and daddy Dean.” she said with an adorable pout and Sam gave her a sad smile.

“Baby please, this is adult stuff. You won’t be able to understand much, either. Just- go, and remember that the moment you want to leave you can tell us.” he patted her head as she let a small sigh leave her lips.

“Alright, daddy.” she said a little sadly “But- but what about daddy Dean?” she was hesitant but couldn’t help herself from asking.

“Mary, I gave you a promise. I intend to keep it, you don’t have to worry about that. Everything is going to be alright, we will sort it out.” he said softly, leaning down to kiss the top of her head as she looked down at her hands with a small pout.

“Will you mommy?” she asked and up to this day you couldn’t help but feel surprised at how she could catch some things even when you tried for her not to.

“Yeah, baby we will sort everything out. Your daddies and I will.” you swallowed the lump in your throat as you averted your eyes from hers, for the first time in very long time because you were not able to actually face her while saying something you doubted so much yourself. Besides when had you ever said something this complicated and tried to make it seem easy?

“Alright” she breathed out before you loosened your grip on her and she jumped from your lap.

“Mary?” your voice stopped her before she could leave completely “I love you princess.”

She smiled brightly up at you “I love you too, mommy.” you leaned down and pecked her cheek as she did the same with you “Daddy asked me to tell you that he loves you a lot, too.” she said in a low voice, and with a small smile and your smile unfortunately fell. You felt your heart tighten inside your chest, mostly when you realized how much it still actually meant to you. It wasn’t as if you could just forget it in a couple hours but you wished you could hate him for doing this to you more than love him… but that didn’t seem like the case.

You and Sam only watched her in silence as she ran away to her new friends. Even after a good few minutes you didn’t dare remove your eyes from her, mostly because you wouldn’t dare look at Sam. You knew – and hated even more to admit it to yourself – that whatever Sam was going to say, as he already had, was right.

“He loves her, (Y/n). More than his own life.” Sam breathed out, breaking the almost silence.

“I know that, I know.” your voice was hoarse as you looked down at your hands.

“Yet you asked of him to never come close to her? That seems logical, yeah.” he said and you frowned.

“I just- I was doing everything in my power to protect her. She- she can’t live like this Sam, with a biological father she met only two days ago and another that actually is her uncle but never knew about it and has now left because- apparently everybody else’s happiness matters the most? Can you even understand how messed up that is? Yeah, well I bet you can.” you let out a breath “I am trying to make this as simple as possible for her, Sam. Maybe at some point he could come back as- as her uncle, but I can’t have her worrying all the time and thinking about when- when daddy Dean will come back to see her… or if he will come back.”

“He’ll always come back to her, you know that. No matter what happens Dean will always come back to her… and you, that’s something I have no doubt about.” Sam shook his head.

“Still, Sam-” your voice showed how tired you were “Still. I don’t want to risk her happiness, I can’t afford that. I- I can’t think what might happen next, and I don’t want her to be in the middle of this.”

“Do you not, (Y/n)?” his voice was accusing so you finally looked at him.

“What is that supposed to mean?” you whispered and he gave you a sad smile.

“For how long will you keep hiding from me? You know I can read you like an open book (Y/n) and we both know this is not only about Dean and Mary. It’s mostly about Dean and you, and you can’t hide that as much as you try. Not from me at least.”

“Hide what?”

“That you miss him, that you want him here and that what he did hurt you to the point you couldn’t think straight and practically demanded something you never would, for him to keep his distance from Mary.” he said matter of factly as you chewed on your lower lip “Come on, (Y/n) we’ve always been honest.”

“Yes,  _before_  your death Sam. But you died, you were gone for years and so many things changed. And yes, yes what Dean did hurt me so fucking much I- I am scared to admit it because- because it was worse than when you died.” you swallowed the lump in your throat as Sam went silent, you fought back the tears and kept going “Do you even  _realize_  how much that scared me? And then- then I realized that he was just taking away from me so much that I- I loved without even asking me, Sam! He didn’t even ask me, didn’t even talk about it. And I- I felt like I was losing everything all over again, so yes maybe I was overreacting maybe I still am but- but it- it-”

“Hurts” he whispered the small word as you took in a shaky breath.

“I can’t even look you in the eyes without- without feeling my skin crawl because of how guilty and sick of myself I feel for what I did but- but I can’t change it, Sam. And I hate myself for that, trust me I do. I wish I could do something but I- I love him, Sam. I  _really_  love him and- and yes, him leaving me hurt me so fucking much I couldn’t think straight. Of course I don’t want him away from Mary, of course I want him in her life and- and  _of course_  I want him to be her father, even as you are here for her, because I know how freaking much they both mean to each other- because I know that he loves at her like his own daughter, she’s a piece of his heart and I- I can’t tear it away from him because I can’t stand to hurt him this much… even if he just has. Gosh.” you almost choked on a sob as you pushed your hair out of your face, wiping a stray tear “I miss him so much already and I hate myself so bad for saying it out loud… to  _you_.”

“(Y/n)” you felt Sam take hold of your hand closer to his but you didn’t have the heart to look at him “There is no reason to feel bad, believe me. I- I know that, despite everything, I am still important to you. Maybe not in the way I remember, not in the way I wish I was but- that’s something you’ll be the one to figure out over time. However, I know that Dean is important to you. He’s always been, even before my death and… I’m sure that’s something you have realized yourself.”

“Sam please don’t make me say that too.” you chewed on your lower lip, closing your eyes for a moment.

“I won’t, don’t worry.” he said with a small smile “I’ve never done it before, you know it, I love you too much to.”

“Do you even realize how messed up we are that my boyfriend’s- ex boyfriend’s brother telling me that, is one of the most normal things I’ve heard?” you breathed out a pained laugh and he gave you a small smile, shrugging.

“I think we both know we’re far from normal. We’ve always been.”

“Yeah, yeah we have.” you clenched your jaw, looking at your daughter with a frown “Sam-” you looked back at him “I know that we could probably talk forever about this, because I really have too much fucking explaining to do, I know I do but now I- I can’t think of anything else but-”

“Dean?” he completed your sentence when he noticed you cut off yourself abruptly.

“I know you’re the last person I should talk to aboout him, I know I should probably be done with talking about him to be honest. I should be over this, or at least close to that and not still thinking about him. I know I was harsh, alright, yeah I know I was. But did I not have even the slightest right to, Sam? I- I just- he just bailed on me like that and I-”

“No, no (Y/n).” he shook his head, rushing to stop you “No, I am not blaming you. Dean isn’t either, I know that. It’s just- you thought you were doing the right thing but weren’t; we’ve been through that so many times before and Dean and I have done so much worse we can’t even think of judging you. But now- you know there is only one thing that matters: You have to  _admit_  your mistake and I don’t mean just to yourself but to him, (Y/n).”

“Wh-what?” your eyes widened slightly “No, Sam I- I can’t. No, not that. I mean I- I don’t even know how I am going to let him close to Mary, I can’t- I can’t just see him, especially now.” you bit your lower lip, crossing your arms over your chest as you felt your lip tremble. How could you ever admit it to him? It would mean having to face him and you were by no means ready to do that.

“You’re being a little stubborn now, you know that?” he gave you a small smirk and you huffed, almost like a little child. Well, he probably didn’t know it but Dean was always the one to make the first move when you two argued- not that everything had ever been so serious anyway.

You sighed as you whisped out another stray tear, sniffling “I don’t want him to stay away from Mary, Sam.” you mumbled and squeezed his hand “You of all people can see it crystal clear: Mary is my world. If I realize that keeping her away from Dean hurts her-”

“It is.” he cut you off gently and you bit your lower lip.

“I won’t keep her away from him. I didn’t really intend to keep her away from him, not- Not forever. I want her to be happy Sam, and if she needs both of you then yes I will let you both be there for her, no matter how hard it proves to be. “

“So I- I can tell Dean that you’re alright with… him seeing her? That you are taking that back?” he asked reluctantly and biting your lower lip you let out a long sigh.

“It was going to happen sooner or later, I know it would. Angry and hurt me hoped that maybe it didn’t have to but- still. I hate myself for giving in so fast to be honest. He hurt me Sam but it’s not fair to do this to Mary the most. Yeah, you can tell him. I didn’t mean it, Sam. You of all people know it but I don’t- I don’t really want you to say it so soon. Just let him- let him be for some time, please.”

A sigh of relief left Sam’s lips “I knew you wouldn’t be able to take it for long. Don’t worry, (Y/n),  _now_  you are doing the right thing.”

“Yeah of course.” you pursed your lips, looking at your hands with a frown “I can do everything for her, even swallow down my pride, I promise. I’ll do it all for her, though, Sam. Only for her. So don’t ask me to go talk with him, don’t ask me to change my opinion about him or my mind on everything I said to him apart from this. Other than Mary, he has no right on me. I just- I don’t want to see him, Sam. Never again if possible. And yes, maybe I’m doing this because I am selfish, but let me be Sam! I need for once in my life to be selfish and I don’t care what he does with his life.

“That’s not true.” he whispered and you looked at him with a blurry vision still “You care what he does, that’s exactly why you’re saying and doing all of this. You care about him, and you care to know how he is, if he’s doing well or not and we both know that. We’ve always been too close, the three of us - now four, which was always exactly what they used against us. We have always been too close for our own good, and maybe if we weren’t we wouldn’t be in this exact situation, who knows.” he shrugged.

“Who knows.” you repeated, taking in a deep breath “Sam, can I ask you something? But I need a honest answer.”

“I’ve always been honest with you, you know that.” he said and you gave him a sad smile.

“Did you know about this? Did Dean tell you about what he was going to do?” you asked, fearing to hear the answer because you couldn’t afford to lose your trust in Sam but at the same time needing to hear it more than anything.

“No, no (Y/n) I swear.” he said after a long pause - or did it look like that to you? - and you let a small sigh of relief “I- I could see that something was wrong with him when he talked to me. When he apologized, but I didn’t know he’d do that and- and I’m sorry, I should have probably seen it coming, should have done something to stop it but I-”

“Sam don’t.” you shook your head “You didn’t know it and you couldn’t do anything. It’s not as if… I’d blame you if you did know it and didn’t stop him, or even tried to. We may be avoiding up until now because of Mary but- but it’s always there. Or at least it has been, Dean and I are over now… I guess. But-” you frowned “He apologized?”

Sam pursed his lips as he looked down at your hands that were still together, none of you even thinking of pulling away “For everything. He… felt guilty for- for you and him. For what you feel for each other and he said he was sorry that above everything… he couldn’t change how much he loved you. He said how sorry he was that these four almost five years have been the worst and best of his life because of you know. I could see it was too much for him, I could understand it and I know I wanted to tell him something to- to make it better but I was too hurt, too angry, too… jealous, as much as I hate to admit it.” he confessed and you squeezed his hand.

“Nobody can blame you for that and I certainly am the last person that can judge you too.” you gave him a sad smile.

“It doesn’t matter, not now at least.” he glanced at Mary, smiling fondly at his child in a way that made your heart swell inside your chest “We both know as parents that now that she’s here, in our lives, she’s a priority. She was from the moment we found out about her. When I found out.” he looked at you with a small grin “Or at least when all freaked out you spilled it to me.” he chuckled as you shut your eyes at the memory, not the most ideal way to tell your boyfriend he would be a father for sure “And we both understand we have to put her first and not hold any grudges on each other, that’s why I am putting everything aside… and that’s why you should to.”

“I wish I could, Sam.” you found yourself locking fingers with him the way you’d do so effortlessly in the past “But it’s not that easy, not anymore.”

~The following morning~

“And that’s all of the things I need for today.” you said handing Sam the small list “Sam, really I could go myself, it’s no big deal.”

“No, (Y/n) you don’t have to. What am I here for?” he said, putting on his jacket “Besides, you let me sleep here. Eat and everything. It’s the least I can do.” he shrugged.

“This house is yours just as much as it is mine and Mary’s, I need you to know that. A bed in the guest room is the least  _ **I**_ can offer you. Besides, you take such good care of Mary and I’ll have to return to my job very soon, I only have today off and that’s it.” you dried your hands with a towel.

“I’m taking care of my daughter, you shouldn’t have to thank me about that.” he said firmly, looking deeply in your eyes as you sighed and gave him a shy smile “But you know I’m not doing this because of the bed in the guest room. You are not alright, (Y/n) and we both know it.”

“Sam I told you, I am fine! Just look at me!” you motioned to yourself but he didn’t smile, he only clenched his jaw.

“I am, and you look nothing like fine to me. Just because this very moment the room in not spinning for you and you don’t want to throw up the dinner the way you did last night, doesn’t mean we’re over it. You’re going to see a doctor the soonest possible, and I’m not taking no for an answer.” he gave you a stern look and you rolled your eyes.

“You have not changed one single bit.” you huffed “Fine, yeah fine I’ll see a doctor when I have time.”

“Tomorrow.” he said, giving you a look and your eyebrows only shot up in surprise.

“Sam!” you exclaimed, giving him a look “Seriously, relax. It must be a bug or something for all we know. It will be over soon. Point is I feel much much better now. Besides-” you crossed your arms over your chest “Who knows, maybe it’s a witch and while we are supposed to look for a hex bag we are at the doctor and everything gets worse.” you smirked but he wasn’t smiling at all.

You could partially understand him. You looked like hell the previous night, it almost scared Mary, and you couldn’t even begin to imagine how worried Sam must have been when the tray with the food fell from your hands. It felt like a mix of both your worst hangover and food poisoning, which you really believed was the case because you had ordered out.

“Very funny but you’re not off the hook, we will go to the doctor. Tomorrow. End of discussion.” he stated gently yet in a stern tone and you rolled your eyes at him.

“You really have to stop worrying so much.” you muttered.

“About you? When have I ever?” he asked with a small smirk and you chuckled, nodding your head.

“Right, so no witch hunting and only grocery shopping hm? Fine.”

“But mommy-!” Mary’s voice caught your attention and both you and Sam looked down. The man knelt down to help her put on her jacket “Witches are not real!” she giggled and you only smiled, not just because of what she said but because of the way she said it. She was particularly scared of them after watching Snow White and Dean and you had tried very hard to convince her that they weren’t real and couldn’t hurt her. And now she really seemed to believe it and actually say it herself while laughing.

“Of course they are not, I must be really silly to say that.” you giggled, patting her head as she laughed.

“So what’s real then?” Sam asked with a dimpled smile as he held the jacket for her to put her arms through the sleeves.

“Unicorns!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air as Sam and you chuckled. You leaned against the kitchen counter, watching them with a smile.

“And how do you know that?” he got finished helping her but still stayed at her eye-level.

“Mommy and daddy Dean told me! They even showed me pictures! They are so beautiful daddy!” she grinned, her green eyes sparkling with happiness.

Sam chuckled, patting her head “Of course they are, sweetheart.” he kissed her forehead as he got up “Picky much?” he said to you in a soft voice with a smirk and you laughed, shrugging.

“Alright, princess. Let’s go.” he said as he took hold of her hand.

~*~

“Daddy Sam where are we going?” the little voice made Sam look down and smile.

He gave a squeeze to Mary’s hand and looked back up “I thought I told you, grocery shopping.”

“But the grocery shop is on the other direction where we left out car.” she pointed back, grinning up at him as he laughed.

“You’re too smart for my own good, just like your mama.” he chuckled, bending down to pick her up with a squeal from her “We will go grocery shopping too, but first we gotta visit someone that seems to have missed you a lot.”

“Who?” she frowned, tilting her head to the side as she looked at the cars around her.

“Someone you love very much and that I know you will be very glad to see.” he said, pecking her cheek.

“Who?” she repeated her previous question “Mommy said we should hurry because she’s gotta make pie and I can’t wait for that.”

He chuckled “Of course you can’t, you’re a Winchester.” he shook his head with a smile “Dn’t worry, we won’t take much timee. I just made you a promise and I really wanted to keep it. I made a promise to someone else too and this was the perfect chance.”

“Does mommy know?”

“Well technically, no. But she will find out, just let me be the one to tell her ok?”

“You’re sneaking on mommy.” she giggled and Sam smiled at her “Daddy Dean would do that many times, although it was mostly for getting her gifts. She always liked those, and I helped him pick out a lot of things. From- from that (y/f/c) dress, to a pair of shoes so sparkly like for a princess to- to that ring.” she rambled and Sam paid as much attention as he could with all the thoughts running through his mind.

“Ring?” he asked, glancing at her as she gave him a small nod.

“Yeah in that, small box that is- is-” she made hand motions and funny faces that made Sam chuckle “Are we going to get her a gift too?”

“Well, I am not sure. Maybe we could another time after we’ve planned everything out. For now something else matters, which I don’t know how fond of it she’ll be. She won’t be mad, not really,I know that but we couldn’t miss out on this opportunity. Besides, he’s missed you a whole lot.”

“Missed me?” she gave him an adorable frown.

“You’ll see princess.” he said, putting her down as he raised a hand to knock on the door but it burst open before he could realize it.

“Daddy?” Mary’s eyes widened but a smile slowly appeared on her face.

“Hey pumpkin.” the man breathed out as his own grin could almost lighten up an entire room “Wanna give your old man a hug?” he breathed out as she seemed frozen in place for a moment.

She glanced at Sam as if for permission and with a smile he gave her a subtle nod and without waiting a split second she jumped, and ran towards the older Winchester who didn’t even think of bending down to pick her up as he hugged her, a small squeal leaving her lips.

“I missed you daddy, so so much!” she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around his neck as he held her tightly to him.

“We saw each other just yesterday sweetheart.” he said but Sam could see it clearly that he had missed her too. Maybe it had been a little less than 24 hours but then again he was used to spending almost all of his day with her, Sam knew that’s what he at least would try to do himself, so being separated even for a few must have been really hard.

“But it’s been too long.” she pouted at him and Dean chuckled, a kind of laugh Sam had not seen his brother have ever before.

“If you say so, bug.” he said in a lower voice tone as he kissed the top of her head once more and moved to the side to let Sam in. The younger Winchester walked in, closing the door behind him as he took a look around him. It was exceptionally clean for a motel room used by his own brother.

“Never thought there would come a day when we’d be inside a motel and it would be this… tidy and all.” Sam muttered with a perplexed look and Dean let out a chuckle.

“A thing or two stuck with me while raising a kid, I can’t help it anymore.” Dean shrugged with a smile, that fluttered slightly when he realized what he’d said. Probably not the most ideal thing considering who said kid was and what his brother was to her.

“Daddy, when will you be coming back? Mommy’s not all that happy, and she’s sick missing you.” Mary mumbled, catching their attention as Dean only gave her a tight smile.

“If she’s so sick missing me she could have done something about it.” Dean mumbled mostly to himself. Sure, he knew he didn’t have the right to speak not when he had practically left you without a warning but he couldn’t help but feel slightly hurt himself, not because of Sam or what you told him about Mary, but because of the fact that you didn’t do much to stop him. He thought- hoped that you would at least try to convince him to stay, that he actually meant something to you; but that to him it only showed that you had never gotten over Sam.

“But she can’t do anything, she is sick daddy. She feels really dizzy sometimes.” Mary insisted and only then did Dean really understand what she meant, literally.

“She’s what?” he frowned, worry etching inside him as his head snapped to Sam.

“It’s fine.” Sam said softly, shaking his head “She’s better today, she thinks it’s a bug or something we ate last night. But I’ll make her visit a doctor tomorrow, just to be sure.” he tried to soothe him down but Dean still felt on edge.

“But you will come back to take care of her?” Mary looked up at him but he shook his head, sighing heavily.

“Sweetheart, we talked about this. I don’t think I will be coming back anytime soon. Besides, your mommy isn’t really fond of me being close to you either.” he gave her a forced smile as he sat her down on his bed.

“Does she know you’re here?” he asked as he sat next to her, and then placed her on his lap.

“No, but- there are maybe a few things you need to know.”

“Of course she wouldn’t. Would kill you if she found out, what excuse did you find this time huh?” Dean asked bitterly.

“None, we just found the opportunity to come here the soonest we could after Jody told me where you were staying. But that’s not the point as of now. She- (Y/n) and I had a talk.” Sam said, taking a chair to sit right in front of his brother “And she’s realized her mistake.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She won’t keep you away from Mary, she doesn’t really want that. Never did actually.” Sam breathed out with a gentle smile and Dean’s eyebrows almost shot up “She was angry-” Sam continued “And I won’t disagree with that, but she was mostly hurt and she didn’t realize what she was saying that day. I- I talked with her, at the park and later at home about what she told you and- she hates herself for that Dean, she really does.”

“But she won’t tell me herself, will she?” Dean pursed his lips as his eyes casted down to the little girl.

“Dean come on, man. Just because she regrets what happened between the two of you as far as Mary is concerned doesn’t mean she can just as easily face you and apologize. You hurt her, alright? You really hurt and as much as you are my brother you know that on this- I will take her side. And, no-” Sam clenched his jaw “It’s not becaue of what happened between her and I, or mostly between her and you. It was not right, what you did to her, and we both know it. You gave up on her, Dean, for Chuck’s sake! You ca’t just expect her to be alright with it, forgive you and come here with a smile and Mary and tell you everything’s just peachy because you know all too well- it’s not!”

“You don’t have to rub it on my face, I know what I’m doing- what I did was wrong. But you know I have no other choice.” Dean grumbled as Sam shook his head.

“I’m not rubbing it in your face and you know it. You’ve heard worse from me.” he said honestly “But you’re a father, Dean, for the love of!” Sam exclaimed, but still in a soft voice and Dean’s breath almost got caught in his throat “You can’t act like a child.” he added and Dean was still caught staring at his brother.

“What is daddy Sam talking about?” Mary’s voice broke the silence and Dean looked down at her, a perplexed look on his face.

Dean opened and closed his mouth several times, unable to comprehend the few words that had been uttered in less than a minute “It’s nothing, sweetheart.” he breathed out, ruffling her hair “Just making a casual talk, that’s all.”

“About mommy?”

“Yeah, and how daddy Sam is taking good care of her. And how that’s the way it was always supposed to be.” he said, his smile slowly falling as he turned to look at his brother almost in sorrow.

“But it’s not, not anymore. And that’s what I am mostly here to talk about.” Sam said firmly, his back straightening.

Dean looked at his brother with pursed lips as he took a deep breath “Meaning?”

~Three hours Later~

“(Y/n)?” Sam’s voice echoed through the house as he opened the door with the keys, carrying the groceries in the other hand.

“(Y/n) we’re back!” he said once more, hoping you’d hear him this time. When he got no response he guessed you were upstairs or maybe outside in the garden doing some chore and couldn’t hear him.

“Well, hopefully she won’t notice we were late now.” he said in a whisped voice to the little girl who giggled at him, running immediately to the kitchen and Sam following closely behind with long strides.

“(Y/n)?” he asked once more, looking through the window but not being able to spot you in the garden.

“That’s weird.” he mumbled, shaking his head he set the groceries down “Mary, princess why don’t you wait here for a second while daddy goes looking for mommy, yeah?”

“Alright daddy!” she said kindly as she sat down on her chair and started looking through the food to find something to eat.

“Good girl.” he kissed the top of her head as he didn’t hesitate a moment and with long strides he made his way upstairs. He couldn’t help but feel worried, with the kind of life he had before he died and the things he knew actually existed all kinds of thoughts were running through his mind.

“(Y/n)?” he asked in a still panicked voice as he looked in the bathroom but didn’t find you there.

“(Y/n) are you he-” all words got caught in his throat as he swung open the door to your bedroom and he felt his blood run cold when he took in the sight in front of you.

_An empty room but not the way he’d expect it to be. It was messy, some things were broken even and the most worrying part of all was the blood that stained the carpet._


	10. Chapter 10

~Three hours ago~

“About mommy?”

“Yeah, and how daddy Sam is taking good care of her. And how that’s the way it was always supposed to be.” he said, his smile slowly falling as he turned to look at his brother almost in sorrow.

“But it’s not, not anymore. And that’s what I am mostly here to talk about.” Sam said firmly, his back straightening.

Dean looked at his brother with pursed lips as he took a deep breath “Meaning?”

Sam opened his mouth to speak but when his eyes fell on the little girl. He soon closed it and gave her a small smile “Sweetheart, why don’t you go play on the computer for a little yeah? Or listen to some music.”

“But- but I want to stay here with you and listen.” she said with a small pout and the very same puppy eyes Sam remembered so vividly you giving him when you wanted something.

“I know princess but this is not something you can understand, and it’s between me and daddy Dean. Will you please do me this favor?” he asked again with a gentle smile and she let out a small and adorable sigh.

“Alright daddy.” she nodded her head, looking up at Dean who bended down to kiss her cheek and she did the same.

“Thank you.” Sam smiled at her as she jumped from the bed and walked to him to kiss his cheek as well.

She tried to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear as she sat on a chair and pulled Dean’s computer, that was already open, closer to her. She still had a small pout on but Sam knew that he and Dean needed to do this talk without any interruptions. Seems like the first one wasn’t enough after all.

Dean’s eyes lingered on her for a moment before he finally turned to look at his brother “I’m listening.”

“I know that-” Sam looked at his hands for a moment “This is you punishing yourself for everything that’s happened. And don’t- don’t try to tell me any different Dean. I know you better than anyone.”

Dean’s head lowered for a moment “Well, I’m not going to try.”

“Good, good.” Sam whispered, his eyes looking around, anywhere but at Dean, for some time “But I have to let you know it’s not your fault, Dean. You- you don’t have to punish yourself for something you really are not to blame for. If anything-” he let a humorless laugh “I am the one to blame for being so reckless and dying.”

“Seriously, Sam?” Dean’s voice was laced with anger at the moment “Are you seriously going to pull this card on me now? You did it to protect (Y/n) and Mary! I- I am the one that went and screwed everything up!” he got up from the bed “I- I promised you that if anything happened I would take care of (Y/n) and Mary and- and I went and-”

“Did exactly what you promised.” Sam was worryingly calm about this that it almost angered Dean even more “You took care of them, Dean. Better than I would have ever done.”

Dean shook his head furiously “Don’t say that.”

“Shouldn’t I?” Sam got up from his chair “You got out of the life Dean. Alright, maybe not completely but- but the only thing Mary is afraid of is a monster under her bed that actually doesn’t exist and that’s a big damn thing! Do you remember how we grew up? What Mary has is something I could only dream about and you-” he pointed at Dean “You are the one that made it happen! You got a house Dean, a freaking house with a freaking white picket fence! And Mary-” he glanced at the girl that had headphones on “She’s happy, she doesn’t have to change towns every week or live in a house that’s underground. And you are the one that made it happen.”

“You’d have done the same, Sam.” Dean pursed his lips, shaking his head.

“I know I would have wanted to. I don’t know how much of it I would have achieved though. Mary’s happy, don’t blame yourself for anything, Dean.”

“I’m not blaming myself for Mary.” the older Winchester clenched his jaw as he met Sam’s eyes.

“Yeah, I almost forgot about that.” he ran a hand through his hair and Dean scoffed.

“Did you? Come on, Sammy, we both know you have spent almost every night thinking about it. I know I have.” his voice was more rough but Sam didn’t question it, nor deny what he’d just said.

“Yes, I have.” he shrugged almost numbly “But I’ve figured everything out and I need you to understand it yourself. What has happened between you and (Y/n) was not something you could control and I… I am alright with that.” Sam’s voice shook but as soon as the words left his lips, Dean’s eyebrows shot up.

“What?”

“I’m- I’m not alright with  _what_  really happened, Dean. And- and please don’t expect me to, not anytime soon. But I know I don’t- I can’t blame you, or (Y/n). I was gone, Dean, for very long- longer than any other time and I know that you believed I wouldn’t come back. I doubted that myself to be honest. You needed to move on and so did she. I had told her to, in case it ever happened… She fell in love with you Dean.” he ended up whispering “And you fell in love with her.” he shrugged again, smiling sadly and at that Dean couldn’t keep his eyes on him anymore.

“I-” he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck “I honestly can’t blame you for that. She is- she’s a wonderful woman, she’s a keeper- you can’t find someone like her all that easily. I- I know it myself, I fell for her from the first moment so no, I can’t blame you if you are in love with her too. I just… I appreciate that you managed to keep it all under control for however long I was with her.” he confessed and Dean’s breath got caught in his throat.

“Wh-what?” he blinked, feeling his heart drop.

“I- I don’t know if you ever actually realized it. You are so oblivious to some things sometimes but I- I am not. I could see the way you looked at her, Dean. I could see and know what it all meant because- that’s how I looked at her when I first realized I was starting to fall in love with her. I don’t know if you were fighting it subconsciously or not, and honestly I don’t care anymore. Maybe, just maybe-” he looked down “Maybe deep down I knew this was going to happen if I was no longer here.”

“Sammy” Dean’s voice was husky “I never- I didn’t- I tried to fight it.” he breathed out with a deep frown.

“I know, Dean.” he smiled sadly “I know, that’s why I can’t hold a grudge on you. I mean- I want to, oh I want to be angry at you for everything but- I just can’t.” he said with a small laugh.

“Damn it Sam, don’t do this to me.” Dean grumbled, running a hand down his face.

“Because she’s in love with you too.” Sam added and Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

“And you are still in love with her.” Dean clenched his jaw, looking at his brother.

“Told you-” Sam shrugged “I can never help it. I think now you understand me better than ever.”

“Wish I didn’t have to.” Dean looked away.

“But you do and I told you I am not going to blame you for that. I don’t blame her either. I know that she loves me, I know that her feelings for me are still there. The same or changed I don’t know, only time will tell but I can’t really accuse her of cheating while I- I was gone.” he shook his head “And maybe- maybe I should be furious about this, I should be really angry at you. I should punch the life out of you but- but I don’t have the right to. Not anymore.”

“Damn it Sam, why can’t you do it? Why can’t you just fucking punch me? I deserve it, I deserve it and so much more for all that happened, for all of the things I did to-” he let out a growl, his anger rising but it was mostly directed at himself.

“To whom? Me? Come on, Dean. Do you really need me to? You are punishing yourself ten times harder. This- it’s hurting you more than me hitting you would.” Sam said sincerely and Dean let a small growl.

“But it’s not the same. You need to- I can’t fucking take it, alright? I can’t take you just- just acting so civilized and calm about all of this. Just scream at me, shout and do something. Curse at me, call me responsible for everything- say you don’t want to see me ever again for betraying you the way I did. Just do something damn it!” he grumbled but Sam only sighed, shaking his head.

“Would it make you feel any better though? Hell, Dean would it change anything in the first place? Maybe I wish it could but- but we both know it ain’t going to. You’ve already beat yourself up for this, Dean, you don’t need me to do even more beating. You’ve already punished yourself enough, and trust me you don’t deserve it. I know that we’ve been through tons of crap Dean but we always made it through together. We will do it again.”

“Will we, Sam? For the sake of, I stole your girlfriend!”

“I don’t know if she really is that anymore.” Sam shook his head “Not with how she feels for you. I know that saying this feels like pulling my own heart out but- but I’ve thought this out, too many times. Yeah, I haven’t gotten much sleep ever since I came back and I have really considered everything and I- I’ve realized one thing about all of this: Maybe my place next to (Y/n) is not the same it always used to be. Not anymore.”

“Why are you saying this?” Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. Or at least tried to.

“I know that you think you deserve this, to be kept away from her. To push her away in hopes of her- in hopes of her feeling something again for me, or remembering what she always felt for me and- something happening but- it’s not going to, Dean. Not when she really thinks all the time about you.” he pursed his lips and gave Dean a tight smile “She’s in love with you, Dean. That much I am sure about. I probably can’t tell if this stronger or not but I need you tosee it yourself.”

“Sam, (Y/n) and I are no longer-”

“She can’t live without you, Dean.” Sam cut his brother off, saying sharply “I know she seems to be doing fairly ok, but she’s putting all of her pain into being angry with you that she can’t see that it’s so obvious she misses you. We’ve always been part of her life, and now that you’ve decided to pull away from her, it’s tearing her apart. And maybe- maybe it’s more than she’s missed me, I am scared to admit it but I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

“Sam, you’re the father of her child. She- she’s always loved you. She never forgot about you for a moment. I- I can tell you that, for sure. I’ve always doubted myself and our relationship just because of that.” his throat felt dry and it almost hurt him physically other than emotionally to say the words but he knew he had to get them out before he changed his mind.

“I know, I do.” Sam sighed, glancing at Mary “I feel the same, even if I really don’t know if I can call what (Y/n) and I have a relationship anymore.” he shook his head “But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” he sat back on his chair, his head bowed for a moment.

Dean didn’t say a thing, only let his brother speak.

“You want me to be angry at you and honestly at first I was furious, I told you. And I did blame you, I did feel betrayed. I don’t know if it was more from you or from her but I did feel as if you acted behind my back. There were moments I almost didn’t want to look at either of you, and yes I did think about beating the life out of you, Dean. Because it did feel like you’d taken everything away from me, that house, that life, (Y/n) and Mary. But- but then I’d think of Mary and see her pictures, from her birth up to this day and I- I know that it would lead nowhere. I took it all out on some of the furniture in the bunker in the end.” Sam shrugged “So it doesn’t matter anymore, and I feel like you should know it. You didn’t take away anything from me. Not when I was probably bound to lose it in the end.”

“Sammy don’t-” Dean almost chocked ona sob as he saw his little brother’s eyes fill with tears in front of him.

“No, it’s ok I told you.” he gave him a sad and tight smile “I just really want you to think about what you’re doing. If- If it is to punish yourself then- just find another way Dean or nothing at all because I told you you don’t have to blame yourself. But don’t do this to her. I love her and her happiness matters to me, so I thought that even if you left I could make up for this but- but I don’t really think I can anymore, Dean. Nobody can make up for this but you.”

“Sam what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that, maybe,and I wish the case was different but the way it was always supposed to be was with her… and you.” he said softly but the pain in his voice was crystal clear, especially for Dean that knew him like the back of his hand “And it hurts, it hurts like hell to realize and say it out loud but- but something inside me tells me that even if I will always have a place in her heart- you are the one that has full hold of it.”

“Sam” Dean’s voice was not even audible.

“And if you want to do one thing about me to feel better: Come back. Come back and let her figure it all out herself, without any hatred or pain in the way. Let her make this choice. That’s what I want to feel better.” Sam looked him in the eyes, even if Dean tried to avoid the eye-contact. He knew that Sam’s word wouldn’t let him and in the end didn’t.

“Alright, I’ll- I’ll think about it.” Dean said in a hoarse voice, clearing his throat later.

“And then, if you still insist on the punching part, I’m all up for it.” Sam added with a small smirk and Dean scoffed a laugh, shaking his head.

He tried to laugh, he tried to seem cool but Dean knew it was all an act. He’d been through that himself and he could understand how it was. Sam was putting his defences up, the fear of you choosing Dean over him was exactly the same as the one Dean had to suffer every day he was with you and that only got stronger when Sam was back.

They could pretend they were both alright with whatever choice you were going to make, they could both pretend they would be just fine if you chose the other one and the could pretend they would be alright without you… but Dean was living a hell away from you and he could lie about it but not to Sam. He had been living a hell, even in heaven, away from you all these years too.

And they knew that a hell was waiting for one of them when you made your own choice.

~Present Time~

“(Y/n)?” Sam breathed out as his eyes were still wide. He took a step inside the room and looked around him, his heart hammering inside his chest out of fear.

“(Y/n)?!” he shouted again, hoping that somehow you’d just emerge from the bathroom or another room, but he knew he was just giving false hope to himself. He felt his heart leap to his throat in unpleasant way as he took a look down at the carpet and the blood staining it, he wished so bad it wasn’t yours and that it belonged to whoever or whatever had actually taken you.

“Damn it” he growled, pushing open the bathroom door but you were not there to be found. He rushed out of the room and to the others in the house, opening door after door only to slam them shut one after the other.

“Dad?” Mary’s voice caught his attention as he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. His body stiffened and he fought back the tears as he turned to look at the little girl, looking up at him with a frown. He tried to put on a smile on his face, blinking as he knelt in front of her.

“Hey baby.”

“Where- where’s mommy?” she asked, giving him a small pout that actually this time broke his heart.

“Mommy-” he took in a shaky breath “Mommy’s not here princess, she left to see uhm aunt Donna. You know aunt Donna right?”

“Yes” she nodded her small head “She brings me sweets every time she comes over, I love her.” she said, although there was really no cheerful tone in her voice. And he could see that even if she didn’t understand it or say that she could feel his discomfort.

“Yeah, well her. She- Mommy told me she was going to see her but obviously I forgot all about it, sorry if I scared you princess.” he patted her head and she gave him a small nod.

“But mommy had promised she was going to make cookies for me.” she mumbled, looking at him with a frown.

“And she will, baby. When she gets back, she will.” he gave her a tight smile as he in reality felt his heart tighten at the thought of what could possibly be happening to you at the moment.

“When? When will she be back daddy Sam?” she perked up at the possibility of you being back and Sam hated for not being able to have an answer to that.

“I don’t know, princess. But she will. Now-” he cleared his throat, fixing her hair “Will you do daddy a favor and go downstairs? I need to make a call to aunt Jody, ok?”

“Sure daddy.” she mumbled and he leaned to kiss her forehead and she his cheek before she made her way downstairs. Not only did he not want her to hear what he had to say Jody – because there was no way he was letting her realize what could have possibly gotten to you – but also because he couldn’t bear to worry about her wandering to your bedroom and seeing the mess or, above all, the blood that was on the floor.

Blood. Even more possibly your blood. The mere thought had Sam’s body stiffening and despite his fear his anger began to rise and all of his hunter’s instincts were on alert. His mind began working, trying to find all possible ways to find you. His legs carried him, as he made the call, without realizing it to your room and his eyes searched frantically for any possible clue he could find, all of his senses were on high alert.

“Hello?” he almost jumped at the voice for a moment.

“Jody”

~*~

The banging on the front door was the thing to catch Sam’s attention and without waiting a second he made his way towards it, ready to open it. And sure, no sooner had he turned the doorknob that Dean came bursting in.

“Where is she? What the hell happened?” Dean roared as he bumped shoulders with his brother.

“You came fast, that’s good.” sam sighed, already feeling exhausted, even if it had been just an hour since he found out about you disappearing.

“Sam” Dean growled “Where’s (Y/n)? What the hell happened here while you were gone in the middle of the freaking morning?” the older Winchester said angrily but Sam only rolled his eyes.

“If I knew where she is I wouldn’t be standing here. I’d have called you on the way there.” he sighed “And as for what happened, I’m guessing a demon decided to pay her a visit while Mary and I were gone.” he clenched his jaw as he made his way upstairs and Dean followed him.

“Mary.” he breathed out “Where is she?”

“Called Jody to come pick her up. I told her (Y/n)’s with Donna, and she’d be back at some point, but I couldn’t have her around asking questions or having to see her worried face. It breaks me.” he sighed, running a hand through his hair as he opened the bedroom’s door.

“The hell.” Dean growled, taking a look around him. The mirror was broken into several big pieces, everything that was previous on the dresser – from perfumes to some jewelry – was now laying on the floor, some broken. Dean’s eyes trailed to the bed where the blankets were messy and the bed lamp was laying on the floor, again, broken. He noticed the carpet had moved and a chair you had was now laying in pieces on the floor too next to… the blood. Dean had seen blood so many times in his life he couldn’t even count, yet watching this mere stain made his heart almost stop beating.

“Is that…” he trailed off, clenching his jaw and fists as he looked at it.

“Her blood? Figured so, yeah.” Sam’s voice was low and rough as well.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head as he felt his blood boil inside him as his anger increased at whoever did this. He had an idea, the place reeked of sulfur anyway.

“It was warm when I arrived too, looked very fresh to me. It must have not been long since they took her, besides I was only gone for three hours tops.” Sam added, breaking the silence.

Dean opened his eyes and turned to face his brother “And what about everything else? Did someone not hear a thing, the neighbors? Seeing this and knowing (Y/n), she didn’t go down without a fight so there must have been plenty of noise here. I just don’t get how they managed to get in. I’ve made sure the house is protected myself.”

“Well, for protected let me tell you the paint wore off in some places and the devil’s traps weren’t all that effective. As for the noise- I went to ask and guess our luck: everybody gone at the time.” he sighed in frustration and Dean grumbled something under his breath “Something else just caught my attention though-” he pointed behind Dean and he turned to see what he meant “That”

“ **Two birds with one stone**?” he read, the words in the cliché red paint on the wall but at least in not very big letters “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he growled.

“Don’t know, it troubled me as well but look at this-” he grabbed a paper “It says it’s for you.”

“For me?” Dean raised an eyebrow and Sam shrugged.

“They probably have no idea I am back or- or really don’t care about it.” he mumbled.

“ **You took my life, I’m taking yours.** ” he read, blinking before he looked up at Sam “So what? That’s all there is?”

“Yes, but it’s obviously enough to give us a lead. Don’t you see it? This is about revenge, Dean. Someone wants revenge on you!” Sam exclaimed and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Tell me something new, Sam! Everybody wants to get to us! What? Just because (Y/n) and I managed to get out of the life for some time doesn’t mean there are people out there that don’t want us dead! There always will be!” Dean threw his hands in the air.

“Oh come on, Dean! Can’t you see this is recent? It has something to do with a case that took place sometime while I was dead.” he was the voice of reason at the moment.

“Then who damn it?” Dean growled, running a hand through his hair.

“I don’t know, you are the one that has to figure that out.”

~*~

The first thing you realized as you came back to consciousness was the headache that had brought the darkness around you in the first place. It didn’t help that your stomach felt like hell these days but now the smell of blood, maybe some of it yours, mixing with the grease and oh so familiar smell of dead bodies around you made things so much worse.

Your first instinct was to move your hand to your head, wanting so much to rub your aching head, but you soon realized that was impossible because your hands were tied behind your back. A groan left your lips when you decided to move your hands because your wrists actually burned. You were sure that if you made it out of here alive there would be some really nasty red marks left. You tried to move in the chair you had been tied to but other than you felt too tired and your body was sore there was not much room for movement because your legs had been tied as well.

You slowly opened your eyes, squinting at the light that was shining through the broken window. Another groan left your lips and you shut your eyes tightly when you realized that opening your eyes made your head hurt even more. You let a small whimper as you dared yourself to try once more and open your eyes. You blinked several times, trying to get rid of your blurry vision. You bit your lip as it didn’t help, tears almost welled up in your eyes. Somehow everything felt more intense, sharper for sure, and much worse. Everything hurt, or at least it felt like that, and your emotions seemed to be all over the place; just making everything worse. You wanted to cry so bad but you knew that even if he wasn’t around at the moment, or you hoped so at least, you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

“Well, look who’s awake!” well not so alone after all.

You took in a breath, even if it was shaky and blinking several times you looked up, pursing your lips as you tried to put on your best hunter face. You would never let him realize how scared you were. But it was nearly impossible when you saw the person standing in front of you. It wasn’t the demon you’d fought a little while ago, hell far from that. The demon had a male meatsuit, while the person in front of you was female. She looked rather polished, well-dressed and if you could say far too classy to have you in a basement like this. And the most surprising of all, and something you were almost 100% sure about it, as you saw her:

This person was totally not a demon in the first place.

~*~

“The case” Dean breathed out, his head snapping to Sam’s direction.

“Case?” he frowned.

“Uh yeah there was one in- I- I think Nebraska, yeah that about a year after you died. A year and a half probably. It was about a group of demons taking teenagers, torturing, killing, turning them into vessels and all.” he mumbled “I ran across them going in in a party, the screams- they could be heard from miles away, or so it felt.”

“What? Wait- what the hell were you doing in Nebraska?” Sam blinked, frowning at his brother.

“I just- I got in the car, started driving and without realizing it I ended up there, outside the bar where they were having that party.” Dean grumbled.

“So you didn’t look up the case but still took it because you run into it again because you drove all the way there? Why?” Sam blinked and Dean let out a frustrated sigh.

“Damn it, Sam is that what fucking matters now?” Dean growled in frustration but Sam only narrowed his eyes “I took it up because it was a case. Yes I was out, and I wanted things to stay like that because it actually felt good for once- a whole lot better than with Lisa, almost as if with (Y/n) it was always supposed to be but that didn’t mean I would just leave when people were in danger.” he huffed “But apparently one of them escaped, if not more.”

“You know I don’t mean that.” Sam’s voice was strangely calm, maybe he could sense something that Dean was actually avoiding to say.

“What then, Sam? Because I’m sorry if I am not really able to focus here, considering the woman that’s our family is going through who knows what kind of torture at the moment!” he roared but Sam didn’t even budge for a second.

“Why were you in Nebraska, Dean?” Sam repeated his question, his voice stern yet showing all of his exhaustion. And they had not even started looking for you, this was going to be hell.

“Because I slept with her, alright?” Dean fumed, shouting “Because I slept with your girlfriend for the first time, I made love to her for the first time and you know the fucking worst? I enjoyed the hell out of it! I finally felt like I was at peace, that things were in place and that scared the crap out of me! I actually realized that I was in love with her, Sam! I realized I had always been in love with her and that was too much! And no Sam, of course I couldn’t bear what I did, contrary to your beliefs. It totally fucked me up, worse than anything else! So I just grabbed the keys and vanished into the night because I wanted to think of how I had possibly screwed up everything by letting my feelings gets the best of me!” he rambled, panting “Happy now?” he said in a grave voice as the only thing Sam could do was stare with wide eyes.

“I’m gonna call, Cas.” Dean grumbled, turning his back to him and walking out of the room while shaking his head.

“Right.” Sam muttered to himself, nodding his head as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat but failed miserably. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked after all.

~*~

“Who the hell are you?” you growled, actually managing to get angry at whatever twisted game they were playing. At first you thought it was the demon wanting revenge on Dean but he now wasn’t even in the room, instead you were here with two women. The other you noticed was off to the side working on something you really didn’t want to see because you had a feeling it would be used to hurt you later.

“Forgive me, I really should have introduced myself at first but considering the situation I-” she smirked softly, looking around “Thought you’d be more interested in knowing the reason you’re here.” The one thing you noticed about her, other than her clothes or maybe attitude, was her accent.

“To be honest I would really like to know that. I never thought I’d get caught by a tourist working with a demon in my own house.” you said, shifting your hands in hopes of getting at least one free.

She smirked, chuckling softly “You really do spend a lot of time with Dean Winchester.”

“What the hell is all of this huh? Last time I remember, Brits weren’t on the list of monsters we hunt.” you growled, metal clicked, caught your attention but you knew that it was all about torturing tools so you were scared to even look.

“Don’t worry, miss (Y/l/n), I am no monster. On the contrary, I am 100% human and even more… on your side.” she said, taking a seat in front of you and elegantly crossing her legs.

“What?” you scoffed a laugh “A hunter? Oh please.” you shook your head but once you saw she only simply looked at you, your smile fell.

“What?” she asked with a casual smirk “Why so surprised? If I remember correctly you too have worked with demons before, and witches and everything in between quite honestly.”

“What the hell do you want from me then?” you hissed, tugging at the rope and handcuffs that had you bound.

“You? Oh no, forgive me it’s not you that we really are interested in. Not just you, anyway. We want an alliance, to work together and get rid of all the monsters there in the first place. Provide safety for everybody, I’m sure you would agree considering you have a little child. You don’t have to worry, I told you we are on the same team.” she shrugged with a smile.

“Yeah lady, I like what you’re selling right there but-” you shrugged “I’m sorry if I’m having a hard time believing it, considering the situation I am in.”

“Trust me, that is more for your safety than ours. I just need you to listen to me, (Y/n), that’s all.” she shrugged casually.

“And what? Then you’ll let me leave. Sorry but I still can’t believe you. If you wanted to speak to me then you shouldn’t have sent a demon to kidnap me, the very same thing you seem to be set on getting this world rid of, right?”

“Let you leave, no not that easily. First we have to wait for the boys to come in, ready to save you like the heroes they are. And as for the demon- he was taken care of. We have our ways of taking what we want, (Y/n). Something you American hunters cannot understand, not in the least bit. But that’s why we are here!” she grinned casually and you had a feeling of uneasiness at the pit of your stomach.

“We are perfectly fine without you, thanks.” you rolled your eyes at her.

“I’m sorry but it doesn’t really seem like that to me. You and Dean stepped out and you’re doing quite well, and honestly we would have never bothered you in the first place, but you are the only ones that can do this and the boss cannot wait anymore.” she said, playing with her fingers.

“How the hell did you even find us?” you huffed “We’ve been keeping it low for years now.”

“Yes, but we have been watching you for just as many, if not more. I mean, well, the world didn’t end and yay-” she made a face “But there still are so many things out there that need taking care of. We’ll talk about it, we have plenty of time until your boyfriends find a way to come here. I left enough clues anyway.”

“And what until then?” you almost held your breath as you heard footstep behind you.

“Until then we talk-” she took a pen and notebook close to her “And I convince you to help us, simple.”

“Yeah, right.” you scoffed a laugh “I’m sorry but so far, I am not at all convinced. If anything-” you glared at her “All I want to do at the moment is put a bullet through your brain.” you growled, by now more angry than scared.

“Of course you do.” she chuckled and you followed her eyes to see the other woman attach… a heart monitor to you?

“What the hell is this about?” you stuggled to get as far away as possible but failed considering there was not much room for movement. It didn’t take a minute for her to put it to work too, the beeping sound already getting on your nerves.

“We told you we are hunters, (Y/n). We kill monsters and sometimes we don’t care about casualties, to be honest.” she shrugged and you frowned when the other woman put another weird-looking device… around your stomach? It was too attached to a heart monitor but that only confused you more.

“But we would never risk an innocent child’s life.” she added and you only watched with a frown as once she put the other device to work… a second heartbeat appeared?

“What?” you breathed out, your eyes glued to it.

“We will get you to agree, one way or another. But we will always make sure you…” she paused as you looked at her with wide eyes.

“And your unborn child stay alive.”


	11. Chapter 11

“What?” you breathed out, your eyes glued to it.

“We will get you to agree, one way or another. But we will always make sure you…” she paused as you looked at her with wide eyes.

“And your unborn child stay alive.”

“Wha-” you blinked, shaking your head “No, no no. What- what the fuck is this?” you growled, feeling tears well up in your eyes once more and this time it was more intense, just like the feeling in your chest.

“Heart monitors, of course.” she said casually “To make sure your hearts just keep beating and that your pulses don’t rise dangerously so. I mean, it will all depend on you. How willing are you to risk your child’s life, (Y/n), for these hunters you call family?” she asked, clicking her pen and you clenched your jaw at her.

“What- I- I don’t- I’m not- I can’t- I-” you shut your eyes, breathing heavily and as expected your heart started beating faster as it was heard by one of the monitors. The contastly repeating sounds along with the awful smell of this place, and probably the condition you were in, made you feel even more dizzy than you were at first.

“What?” she chuckled, raising an eyebrow “Don’t tell me you didn’t know about it. Oh wow, apologies for breaking the easter egg a little too fast for you.” she said so casually you wished so bad you could do something to shut her up.

“I’m not pregnant.” you clenched your jaw, glaring at her “I can’t be. This is all your doing, you’re making me believe this machine is actually a heart monitor for the baby to- to make me give in more easily. It’s not- I’m not- I’m not pregnant.” you whispered, shaking your head and almost cursing at yourself for letting a tear slip your eye.

Truth was you wanted it. You wanted this more than anything, just a couple days ago you were trying with Dean for a child how could you actually stop feeling the need to have his kids? Maybe your mind told you it was wrong to want it when Sam appeared on your doorstep very much alive but that did by no means mean that your heart didn’t long for it. You had actually dreamed about it, not that you would admit it to anyone, or yourself, that you really wanted this but… in this situation you didn’t know how sure you were anymore. The situation was not ideal anymore, that much was obvious, and considering the danger you were in you started to fear the worst.

“I’m not.” you breathed in and out heavily, eyes closed shut as you basically tried to convince yourself.

“You can tell that to yourself as many times as you want, (Y/n). But we both know it’s the truth.” she said with a shrug “If it wasn’t for the kid we wouldn’t have been so gentle, trust me. If anything, I would have already started trying to get you to cooperate in every possible way. As you see we were prepared for worse, but we won’t resort to that for its sake. As long as you don’t make us do so, (Y/n).” she glanced at some weird-looking tools to the side.

“But I-” your words got caught in your throat as you looked down at the other heart monitor, without realizing it more tears slipped from your eyes. You smiled, despite all of your feelings at seeing how lively it actually was. Strong, fast and healthy. Or at least as far as you could tell, remembering from your previous pregnancy. The beat and rhythm was similar to hers when you were about four months into your pregnancy and the doctor back then had told you she was very healthy. It was great times… almost.

“Now, let’s start shall we?” she asked obnoxiously so, not caring for a second that you were all-but-freaking out at the new piece of information. They could keep insisting they were on your side but you weren’t going to believe them, whoever they were.

You clenched your jaw as your eyes slipped from the device to the ground and rest of the place around you and you hardened your look. You took in a deep breath and clenched your fists. You looked up at her and straightened your back. Your heart was beating hard inside your chest but you were determined, and despite how much shocked you were you knew what you should do. If anything, you were going to fight for this kid.

“Screw you”

~*~

“Yeah uh Cas, thanks for looking into that.” Dean mumbled and after a short reply from the blue-eyed angel he hung up.

“What did he say?” Sam asked as he continued with putting together the guns.

“He’ll try to find Crowley, since he has not been answering us.” Dean said in a gruff voice, taking hold of the weapons and stuffing them in the duffel bag “See if he can track the demon down.”

“So what?” Sam asked, handing Dean his gun “Did you two like stop talking?”

“No, not entirely. But the bastard is probably not in the mood to appear considering he failed to do the one thing he had to.” Dean growled, putting his gun in his jeans “We made a deal for me to not go after him as long as he always made sure his demons stayed away from (Y/n) and Mary, and of course provided protection when we needed it.”

“And this demon?”

“I’m guessing not one of his own because he wouldn’t miss a chance to get back to me when I first went after him. Either way-” he started shuffling through the fake IDs “We have a job to do until Cas has news.”

“And what’s that? Because I tried hacking any cameras but no luck. The only car passing a red light was like a week ago.” Sam threw his arms in the air.

“That’s if you’re looking at the right ones, but I’m guessing you’re not.” he mumbled, grabbing the computer that was laying on the coffee table “There is not just one way to get out of town, Sammy. Especially if you’ve just kidnapped someone.”

“Meaning?” Sam raised an eyebrow as he watched his brother type in a name and some codes.

“Well, I’ve been living in this town for quite some time now. Been best buds with the sheriff, I uh fixed his car one time, and he let me into some secrets… without him knowing.” Dean mumbled and Sam only nodded his head with a half smile.

“Right, of course you did. You stole the papers from his office, didn’t you?”

“Sue me.” Dean muttered, scrolling down and past several videos as the date did not match that which they were looking for.

“So he’s talked to me-” Dean continued “And he’s told me a few secrets himself, about all the ways people can get in and out of here, not just from the main streets. The dude’s a little too dramatic though so he’s placed cameras there too, which is good for us now. I’ve cracked every database I could when we first moved in, you can never be too sure. And it sure as hell payed off.” he stopped as soon as he spotted a video, not missing a beat to click on it.

Dean watched with a clenched jaw as the black car sped off on the road while Sam had a frown on and narrowed his eyes. The video didn’t last longer than a one minute but Dean replayed it over and over again, hoping to catch something. He paused at a moment, leaning closer to the screen to see on the mirror of the passenger’s seat the very same person he wanted to rip into shreds. The image was a terrible quality and quite small but enough for him.

“That’s him?” Sam asked and Dean nodded his head with a growl.

“Yeah” he mumbled as he turned the computer to his brother.

Sam leaned in, his attention on something else “The back number plate, we could write the combination down and look into it.” he mumbled.

“I’m right into it.” Dean jumped up, searching for a piece of paper to write it down.

“You know-” Sam pursed his lips “Maybe, we should check the real-estate offices. See if anybody bought or rented a place nearby.” he mumbled and Dean raised an eyebrow at him.

“Come again?”

“Look, the car seems expensive as hell, maybe the demon is not working on his own and maybe they’ve actually bought a place or something.” Sam shrugged.

“If you think it’s possible.” Dean clenched his jaw as he dialed a number “I’ll call the sheriff for the car.”

“And I’ll look into it about the house.”

~*~

“Right” she chuckled, shaking her head “Maybe we should really get to know each other better, hm? Let me start, name’s Toni. Toni Bevell.” she gave you the same smile that just made you all the more want to punch her “I’m in the British Men of Letters.”

“What?” your eyebrows shot up as you stared at her with wide eyes.

“I hope you have heard of us, but even if you haven’t, don’t worry you will have plenty of time when we recruit you.” she said it so easily it almost made you want to scoff.

“You are really confident, aren’t you?” you growled “How the hell do you know I am just going to give in that easily?”

“Because I am a mother myself.” she shrugged, tilting her head to the side “And I know that just like me, so would you do everything for your children.”

“You won’t dare touch my daughter.” you snapped at her, tugging at your handcuffs as you wanted to launch at her.

“Oh (Y/n), no don’t worry about that.” she shook her head “I told you, we don’t harm innocent children. Besides, it’s not as if we can have hold on her that easily with Sam and Dean Winchester around her 24/7. As for your other child though-” she smirked as you glared daggers at her “We could but whether we will or not all depends on you.”

“What the hell do you want from me?” you hissed and she smiled.

“To have a girls talk. Or more specifically to hear you talk, and don’t worry I am not going to get into the hunting part now. Let me get to know you better, although I already know much more than you think I do.” she said with arrogance and you rolled your eyes at her.

“Screw you.” you mumbled, looking away from her, and of course the heart monitors. You weren’t all that interested in yours but mostly the other one, that of the child you carried at the moment. The information still ran through your mind, the words swimming and swirling around almost making you dizzy again.

You were pregnant with Dean’s child, held captive by some douches – it was obvious she wasn’t working alone – and to top it all: the father of your other child, uncle of the one you carried and ex boyfriend, had come back to life just a few days ago. Just peachy.

“Alright then, let me get it all started again.” she sighed “Name’s (Y/n). (Y/n) (Y/l/n). Hunter for most of your life and currently a waitress at the local restaurant. You have a daughter called Mary whose father up until recently was dead, the all too famous Sam Winchester. You got out of the life after his death, a little after you saved the world shocker-” she made a face and you scoffed at her, still not looking “-With, surprise surprise his own brother, the one and only Dean Winchester.” the cheerfulness in her voice made you glance at her just to glare.

“You got a house, a pretty one might I say. He got a normal job and helped you raise your daughter. You never told anyone in your neighborhood that the child wasn’t his, especially when she called him father and they bore such a resemblance. And he of course didn’t bother to protest, either. Nobody ever knew he was actually her uncle and that was pretty convenient, right (Y/n)? With Sammy out of the picture… you could finally act up on your real feelings, and that oh it was a relief, wasn’t it?” she asked with a smirk as you clenched your jaw and narrowed you eyes.

“Shut up.” you hissed “You don’t know a thing about me.”

“Don’t I?” she asked with a smirk, looking down for a minute “I mean look at the heart monitor, your heart rate has picked up just at the mere mention of it. Who do you think is the liar now?”

“Even if I don’t have a single fucking reason to answer to you-” your eyes involuntarily fell on the other heart monitor, your own heart skipping a beat as you thought about it “It’s none of your business if I wanted to be with Dean or not.”

“Oh by all means, of course it’s not. I just said, I am trying to get to know you better here (Y/n), that’s all. I’m just a little curious, seeing as he managed to knock you up-” she glanced at your belly with a smirk “After so many years, I mean, you must have felt really guilty to betray Sam like this.”

“I did not betray him.” you clenched your jaw, trying desperately not to let her words get to you but deep down you knew she was saying the truth.

“Sure, because he was dead. And that sounded like a reason good enough for what you did, right (Y/n)? But we both know it was all to make yourself feel better, to make yourself think that what you did with the older Winchester was alright because Sammy would want you to be happy. But tell me, (Y/n), did you ever manage to fight it? Did you ever manage to get rid of this guilt? Did you ever manage to really forget all about Sam when you were in Dean’s arms? Did you ever not think about him, and how he’d feel, when Dean kissed you? When he held you? When he made-”

“Enough!” you shouted, barely holding back the tears “Enough alright?!” you screamed, your heart tightening inside your chest. Maybe she claimed that she just wanted to know you but it was all about cracking you up. Besides, even if in the past you’d much rather have taken the physical torturing, cutting and slicing and everything, not really saying much then either you now prefered this up to some point – because it actually hurt more if you were honest – just for the sake of your child.

 **Your child. Yours and Dean’s child.**  You still couldn’t shake the thought off your mind, that or the shock.

“What the hell do you want to get from me with this huh?” your voice was laced with tears “And why does it even fucking matter? Sam was dead! He died, and I had to let go of him. I had to move on because if I didn’t I would go crazy. I had a child to take care of and- and Dean was always there! I couldn’t- I tried to fight it, I tried to fight it like hell but I couldn’t!” you ended up shutting your eyes as a way to keep yourself from crying.

“Of course you couldn’t.” her voice was so calm it just angered you all the more “Just like you could never get over Sam, right (Y/n)?” she asked with a smirk “You never truly forgot him, even if you know your heart really aches for Dean now, Sam is always there. At the back of your mind, at the back of your heart and soul, always just trying to find a way back in and now he’s alive! Tell me, how did it feel to open the door and see him standing there? Just when you thought you were going to get your happily ever after he came back, and everybody’s talking about it. Because oh you might be out, (Y/n), but all hunters are talking about it and they are sure for one thing: You are all coming back to the life, and they would do anything for you too.”

“So that’s what it all is about.” you scoffed “So much for getting to know me, right?” you glared at her, even if your vision was blury.

“No” she said so simply, grinning at you “It’s all about getting to know you… and Dean, and how willing you are to come back. Because truthfully, Sam seems all for it. Considering he came back to find his girlfriend having moved on with his own brother, and ouch for that, I don’t think he can even dream about the apple-pie life with you anymore.”

You pursed your lips as you looked at her “What the hell is that supposed to mean now?”

“You know-” she chuckled “Just between us women-” she seemed to totally be ignoring your question “Who’s better in bed?” You only groaned, rolling your eyes at her. But you didn’t respond and she really didn’t wait for an answer.

“But we both know the point is you now have a child with each one of them so let me ask you the real golden question: Who is it going to be, (Y/n)?”

~*~

“What the hell do you mean he’s dead?” Dean whisper-shouted in the phone as Sam mumbled a small thank you to the sheriff, and a nod and forced smile from Dean, and both of them started making their way to the Impala as Dean kept talking on the phone with their angel friend.

“No, Cas I understand what dead means but if- if he’s dead then (Y/n) would be free and she’d- she’d have called.” he let out a frustrated sigh. Sam kept glancing at him while reading the papers he had just received.

A small pause followed as Dean heard what Castiel was telling him. Sam tried to catch some sort of reaction but the only thing he got was a frown and clenched jaw which honestly had not left his face ever since he found out you were taken.

“Fine, fine. Well, Sam and I are gonna look into the house and car part, I think we already got a lead. You keep working with Crowley to find more about these douchebags and once we can locate them I’ll text you.” he said, fetching his car’s keys as they both walked towards the Impala.

He pursed his lips, humming at something Castiel said and in the end mumbled an “Alright, see you soon I hope. Oh and tell Crowley that the moment I see him I’ll stab him in the face for not doing his job properly.” he said with a growl and didn’t wait for a reply, ending the call and stuffing his phone in his pocket.

“What did he say?” Sam asked as they took their places in the car.

“First, where are we going?” he asked, turning on the car.

“Well, although there is not much here there is this agency. They had a video of a car, surprise just like the one we are looking for, take a stop there and I’m sure they are not selling any gas.” Sam mumbled, showing him pictures along with the address.

“They sure as hell ain’t.” Dean scoffed as he drove out of the parking lot.

Sam let out a heavy sigh, leaning back on the seats “Do you think… do you think this our chance? At finding her?” he asked reluctantly, his worry still getting the best of him.

“It has to be.” Dean clenched his jaw.

Maybe they wouldn’t utter it. Maybe none of them dared to say it out loud but they both knew how the other felt because at this point they had come to feel the exact same thing: fear. They had both always felt the need to hide their feelings, Dean more than Sam actually, but when it came to your well-being it felt as if the two men that were willing to face the devil any given moment couldn’t deal with this, the woman they loved being taken. They could both slice vampires, and werewolves and demons anytime but realizing something could happen to you felt like someone had put the fear of gods in them.

Maybe, in the small pause that followed as Dean clenched his fists on the steering wheel and Sam pursed his lips, closing his eyes shut, they both realized that they were actually scared beyond belief. They wouldn’t say it, no they didn’t want to let the other know, or worse admit it to themselves by saying it out loud, but for the first time they felt like it was actually their first hunt. They had to save only one person, but it was someone so important to both of them so nothing could help them shake off this feeling of uneasiness and fear.

Sam let out a shaky sigh, finally opening his eyes and sniffling slightly “You know, they called from her work. Said they needed her today to fill up for someone else and I- I couldn’t come up with something. For like the first time in my life.” he breathed out “But you know the hardest?”

“What?” Dean asked in a gruff voice.

Sam let out a humorless laugh “I struggled to explain who I was. I just- I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to tell them.” he shrugged, a little numbly and Dean didn’t say a thing, only clenched his jaw.

Sam shook his head “Anyway- What did Cas say?” he asked, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Well, you won’t believe that.” Dean said in a hoarse voice and Sam turned his head to look at him with a frown.

“Surprise me, I’m pretty much ready for everything at this point.” Sam said, rubbing his head.

“The guy’s dead.” Dean mumbled, pressing on the pedal harder.

“Wait- you were talking about the demon before?” realization dawned on the younger Winchester.

“And that’s not all of it.” Dean spoke up again “Seems like he has not been working alone all this time, and it really wasn’t a revenge game. They just seemed to want us to know who to look for, that’s all.”

“Who- who has he been working with then?” Sam blinked.

“Cas doesn’t really know. He and Crowley will look into it, but it seems like these dudes are really into the game. They made sure nobody noticed a fucking thing and when the job was done, guess what? They are the ones that offed him.” Dean let out a sigh and Sam’s eyebrows shot up.

“What?”

“Yep, they got to work together but seems like they were just using him. No surprise. It’s the way they killed him that surprised Cas and Crowley, though. Those dudes either are professional assassins or creepy collectors with weird-ass habits. They had used all kinds of tools in a way that would make them top hunters, but not in our way.” Dean’s eyes stayed focused on the road as he spoke, making sure to hurry.

“Not in the good way, I see.” Sam sighed “What are we even dealing with here?”

~*~

“Screw you.” you growled at her, turning your head to the side and avoid looking at her.

“I mean-” of course she ignored it “-If you realize it you now have a child with each one of them, although you practically kicked the older one out.” she said with a shrug and your eyebrows shot up.

“How the hell do you know that?” you narrowed your eyes, finally looking at her.

“We always like to keep up with things.” she shrugged casually “I just wanted to ask, I know that you didn’t mean it when you asked him to stay away from Mary but… how hurt were you exactly to ask something like this of him?” she leaned forward, watching your reaction carefully.

You felt the familiar pang in your chest as you remembered the events that took place not so long ago. For a moment you clenched your fists and shut your eyes, recalling in just a few seconds all of the things that had happened afterwards. Things you both regretted and not.

“None of your business.” you hissed, opening your eyes to look at her.

“Of course, I was just curious you know.” she leaned back in her chair “Seeing how perfect of a family you two had, it’s amazing how all it took to make it all crash was just Sam’s return.”

“Although it’s none of your business. It’s not  _just_  a return. Sam’s the father of my daughter, I loved him for so long I couldn’t just forget about him even when he was dead. That or how I felt for him.” you huffed, daring to take a glimpse of the heart monitor.

“Yes, but you did fall for his brother, didn’t you?” she grinned and you narrowed your eyes “Tell me how that exactly felt, (Y/n)?”

“What’s the point of all of this?” you sighed “What the hell do you really want?”

“I would like names and locations of every hunteralong with the passcodes to each and every Men of Letters database held in the bunker.” she gave you a shrug “But I’ll get that, in due time. Now where were we? Oh right, (Y/n) (Y/l/n), in love with both Winchester brothers, loved deeply by both of them and soon mother of two. Hunter, one of the most respected in the job, and currently living the dream. Apple-pie life and all, although honestly it seems more like a nightmare. Did I sum it up well enough?”

“I think you forgot the part where you all-but-beat a pregnant woman and dragged her to a basement, ready to now torture the hell out of her for information.” you said firmly and she just laughed at you, shaking her head.

“Nonsense. We made sure the kid was alright all the time.”

“Oh wow, I should be thankful then right?” you said sarcastically “Just go to hell.”

“Like the one you’ve been living in for most of your life, huh?” she asked simply.

“Spare me.” you rolled your eyes “If my love life is so interesting too you, you’re in no luck today sorry.”

“I have to say, it really is something interesting.” he chuckled “And I would really like to get your boyfriend’s opinion on that but- Are you not gonna tell me you and Dean are no longer together? Or do you still dread to say it out loud. I mean he chose his brother after all. He left you for Sam’s happiness, not caring for a single moment about what you would feel or what you really wanted- who you really wanted. He didn’t even ask you, he sacrificed himself, he sacrificed you and he sacrificed your family… your happiness and your love. I don’t doubt you still hold a grudge on him, now.”

“That doesn’t matter to you.” you grumbled, understanding fully well what she was trying to do. She wasn’t just casually making a talk with you, of course that you didn’t believe from the first moment. But now you understood that she was actually trying to break you down emotionally so that you could tell her anything she wanted without having to risk an innocent human life. You knew if you were a monster she wouldn’t hesitate for a second to use force and the worst of torturing methods on you.

“Of course, no. But I’m sure it does to you, and oh so much to Dean. He’s really been going downhill lately. You probably don’t know it but he spends even more time in bars, drinking his pain away lately. If it was anybody else I know they would probably be in the hospital from all this drinking but- not him. And of course he takes it out on every piece of furniture he could back in his motel.” she said “Or at least the first motel he stayed in.”

“Is this going somewhere?” you scoffed “I’m sorry if I’m too busy to give a fucking care when my child’s heartbeat echoes in my ears!”

“Your child, of course.” she chuckled “So you believe me now, don’t you? Trust me on this (Y/n), I have no reason to lie to you about this. Honestly, it is only making things harder for us with all the trying to find other ways to get information out of you.” she shrugged “Tell me though how does this feel, (Y/n)?” she leaned forward with a smirk.

“How does it feel to learn that your dream has come true in the middle of your worst nightmare which of course is that both brothers are in love with you? If I am correct, you had actually been trying for a child with Dean, haven’t you? I remember you talking about it with that friend from the restaurant. Ah I always forget her name.” she sighed, shaking her head.

“What?” you blinked, eyes widening.

“Doesn’t matter. Come on, tell me now: How does this feel, (Y/n)?” she looked down for a moment “Considering how your heart is speeding up I am guessing the emotions are… mixed? I mean, you’ve always wished for this, haven’t you? Deep down you wanted to have a family with Dean, to have his kids, to spend your life with him. I just-” she let a small sighed, laughing softly “-I just was wondering about something, something I have yet to understand… for how long have you wanted this, (Y/n)?”

“What do you mean?” you breathed out.

“I mean for how long have you really wanted Dean.” she stated “ _Really_  wanted, (Y/n). Really were in love with him. Really felt things for Dean Winchester. Not when you realized it, not when you lived together and not when you started trying for a family. Those moments I do know about. I mean when it all really began, because I am sure of one thing, that I don’t doubt you know deep down as well-” she paused, as you practically held your breath. The heart monitor next to you almost going crazy in the deafening silence that she let rest between the two of you.

“It was so long  _before_  Sam’s death.”

~*~

“Answer me!” Dean roared, pushing the poor guy’s chair back as he growled at him.

“Dean, please.” Sam sighed, trying to pull his brother back but the older Winchester just shrugged him off.

“I made a very simple question. Who owned that car?” Dean growled, his face dangerously close.

“I- I told you we don’t know, sir.” he said, fear lacing his features.

“Cut the crap!” he shouted “It pulled in front of your parking lot only three days ago. The person that was driving it got in and out of here in just two hours, and I don’t think they really had a thing for watching pictures of the dog-houses you sell.” he hissed “Now tell me!”

“Dean” this time it was Castiel’s warning voice.

“We- we cannot provide this information, sir. I- I apologize.” he swallowed thickly and Dean only let a growl, giving him a sarcastic smile.

“You can’t- you can’t- you-” he chuckled before helet the chair down properly “He can’t. Right.” he nodded his head before turning back to him and punching him right in the face “I don’t think I made myself clear here: Those bastards have a woman with them. They kidnapped her and right now you are helping them get away with it and who knows what else they may have already done to her. So either you speak or I get the answers out of you myself.”

“Dean, no hey.” Castiel placed a hand on his back, but managed to pull him away by using more force than his brother “Let Sam handle this.” he gave him a stern look and Dean’s shoulders fell for a moment, although his jaw remained clenched.

“Look here-” Sam stepped in, lips pursed “We are not the bad guys here, if anything we are only trying to save someone very important to us. If you don’t help us, I’m sorry to tell you but my brother and me will be the last thing you’ll have to worry about.” the calmness in both his voice and face was enough to scare the hell out of Chuck himself, much less this poor guy.

“I- I don’t know much, I swear.” his voice shook.

“But you do know something.” Sam stated, his chest puffed out as he looked down at him “What?” he nearly growled as the guy didn’t make a move.

“I saw them speak with Mr Collins- he’s the one responsible for selling the older houses, old-looking, rusty or even abandoned places for repair and everything. They signed some papers, I think-”

“Bring them here.” Sam cut him off sharply, his tone almost matching that of Dean’s just a few minutes ago “Now!” he roared, and at times like this – when it came to the woman they both loved – the resemblance between the brothers was all-but-evident.

~Two hours Later~

Grunting.

Pain.

Struggling

More pain.

Huffing.

Fighting.

Blood.

It all happened so fast for you to understand. There was one thing you were sure about, though: they had found you. In the room it was only Sam and Dean but you knew that Castiel had to be somewhere close. Maybe not inside because of the symbols you saw on the walls but at least it comforted you in a way. The brunette whose name you never learnt had left you and Toni and actually never returned, but as you learned, while Dean threatened her for taking you, she was long dead.

The first you actually saw was Dean and saddly she was the one that had a hold of him. The moment your eyes met his you actually found yourself unable to hold your tears back anymore. As soon as he took in the state you were in you could see his eyes fill with ten times the guilt they held before. He was blaming himself for this, you knew he was. And he was so sorry for it, he was sorry for letting you out of his sight and he was sorry for all of this happening to you. You didn’t have much time to talk about it though, not that you could with her there, trying to tie him down. But she had no luck when Sam slammed the door open and charged in. Dean was quick to act and soon the fight started.

But everything was going on so fast you couldn’t understand. You were caught in your own struggle of braking free, which would have been totally impossible if it wasn’t for Sam in a haste managing to free at least one of your hands and then running off because Dean needed his help. It felt almost impossible to comprehend how she alone could fight off two of the most skilled hunters you’d met inyour life but it seemed like these British hunters really knew a thing or two. She had all kinds of tools lying around out and she could do a number on them pretty easily.

In between all the groaning, huffing and grunting as well as the still beeping monitors – the one attached to your heart going crazy – the objects falling and others breaking and your heavy breathing it all felt to happen in a blur. She slammed Sam on one side, your eyes widening when you heard the loud groan that left his lips, and before you could even think about it she used a spell on Dean to… choke him? You almost felt your heart stop, without even thinking – much less understanding it – you launch forward on top of her and pulled her away, elbowing her right in the face. You finally heard Dean gasp for air and cough as he started to breath but at what happened next you felt your own breath leave your lungs.

You didn’t even see it coming but in the moment and as you had an arm around her neck, trying to make her at least pass out it felt like her instincts kicked in and she grabbed the first thing she could find, a silver knife, to push you off by at least cutting you slightly.

_**If only you knew it was going to land in your stomach, stabbing you.** _


	12. Chapter 12

~Two hours ago~

“ _Really_  wanted, (Y/n). Really were in love with him. Really felt things for Dean Winchester. Not when you realized it, not when you lived together and not when you started trying for a family. Those moments I do know about. I mean when it all really began, because I am sure of one thing, that I don’t doubt you know deep down as well-” she paused, as you practically held your breath. The heart monitor next to you almost going crazy in the deafening silence that she let rest between the two of you.

“It was so long  _before_  Sam’s death.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” you said angrily, turning your head away.

“Oh but you do, your heart clearly says so.” she said with a smile, glancing at the machine next to you “You really do know what I am talking about, (Y/n). And that’s what hurts the most. It’s not the guilt at being with Dean when Sam was gone, it’s not the guilt of having your daughter call her uncle ‘dad’ in front of her real father… it’s the guilt you feel at knowing everything I’m saying is true. Tell me, how could you really hide it even from yourself that you always had feelings for Dean hm? You were with his own brother, loved Sam, slept with him, were about to have a child with him too and yet there was that small part of your heart that wished it could be all about Dean.”

You clenched your jaw, shutting your eyes as you felt your heart want to beat out of your chest. You had been fighting the thought for so long, years actually, ever since you first kissed Dean that time but you knew it was always at the back of your mind. And now that she said it out loud you felt the pain spread inside you worse than how any knife would have cut on you. And the worst part of it? The thing you hated the most that made you not want to even think about it? You knew it was true.

“Shut up.” you wanted to hiss at her but it only came out as a broken whisper.

“Oh I’ve hit a nerve, haven’t I?” her eyebrows shot up “So it really was while you were with Sam, hm. For a moment I doubted it but- even as you got pregnant with Mary you kept denying it? I mean I can understand why but I still find it hard to believe you just woke up and realized it all when Sam died.”

You let out a shaky breath, a tear rolling from your eye “It wasn’t when Sam died.” your voice was hoarse.

“Then when? When did you realize you had actual feelings for Dean, (Y/n)? Before that, right? Sam was still alive and you had realized you were in love with his brother as well? And you didn’t break up with him or take some time to yourself?” her eyebrows shot up “Oh wow you Winchesters are really messed up.” she chuckled and you gritted your teeth.

“Screw you” you growled “You have no right to lecture or judge me when, despite knowing that I am pregnant, you kicked and hit me to knock me out. You say you’re hunters but to me you look just as bad as the monsters I hunted my entire life. The only difference is the fancy clothes and tools you have.”

“Getting defensive, alright I don’t blame you. You’re hurting, guilt is really getting the best of you now. But to be honest… I’m kind of dissapointed, (Y/n). I didn’t take you for that kind of girl. I mean, sure you didn’t want to hurt Sammy’s feelings and that’s alright but you didn’t say a word to Dean, even when you saw how he too felt. Why?” she leaned back in her chair “Probably none of you realized how strong it was back then but you were falling in love with your boyfriend’s brother and all you did was… what exactly?”

“I loved Sam.” you whispered, staring at the floor numbly “I still do.”

“But you loved and love Dean too, right?”

“I didn’t know what it was, I tried to push it in the back of my mind. I tried to fight it, ignore it, anything. I tried to think all those lingering touches were just my imagination, I tried to think the way he looked at me was nothing, I tried to think that him stepping in front of me so protectively was just a reflex or- or me being family. I tried to think that his goodbye hugs when I couldn’t join hunts were because- because we have always been close, because we had always been best buddies and because I- I was like a little sister to him, the one he never wanted. He’d said so once.” you ended up mumbling, blinking your tears away “And I tried to think the way he took care of me, making sure I ate and slept properly, preparing food for me – healthy at that, when I was pregnant – was just in him. Dean has always been like a brother to me. Always.”

“Until he wasn’t.” she pointed out and you looked at her with a glare. You probably didn’t understand why you’d tell her such a thing but you needed to get it out of your chest and truth was you had no other option. That or getting tortured and, even if it would be nothing compared to this emotional pain, you couldn’t even think of risking your child’s life.

“Until I realized he wasn’t.” you breathed out, licking your dry lips “It scared the hell out of me. I- I was in love with his brother, I knew I was and I felt I was. I never stopped, Sam was the one for me. I believed it, I felt and maybe that is not the case anymore but I know Sam was the one I loved. I will never once deny this but I can’t deny that… when the Darkness was released everything came upside down for me as well.”

“Because you realized you were in love with Dean?”

“No” you shook your head “Because I realized I was jealous. It’s different.” you breathed out “He and Amara, I know the bond they had was not romantic, I know it and I knew it then too. Just like I knew that it shouldn’t bother me so much as worry me about his well-being and the rest of humanity’s. But I caught myself thinking about it so many times that I- I actually realized I- I was jealous. I had seen him with so many women before, and sometimes it had not shocked me to find myself bothered because Sam and I weren’t a thing back then but now- the guilt combined with this jealousy shot through me like electricity. And it scared me.”

“And he did nothing about it? Did he even take notice?” her voice almost sounded distant, making you feel as if you were in a trance, speaking as if you’d almost been compelled to.

“He talked to me about it.” you breathed out “Before he talked to Sam, although I knew that Sam was completely aware of it. They can’t hide a thing from each other, I guess apart from… yeah. But- I didn’t question it. I didn’t ask him why he felt like he needed to explain what was going on with Amara… to me, his brother’s girlfriend. I don’t think I really wanted to, deep down. Because that would mean I had to think about all of the times I acted like a jealous girlfriend, gave him a cold shoulder or scoffed at the mere mention of her name… and truth was I felt better and different. Not just that there was nothing going on, from his side at least, but that… he had decided to open up to me, he had decided to speak to me about everything that worried him. And that, as much as it shouldn’t, meant so much to me.”

“So that was it? That was the moment you realized you were falling for your boyfriend’s brother?”

“No, that was the moment I realized something was going on. Something I didn’t want to happen. Something I didn’t nor will ever call love, not at the moment it happened. I was feeling jealous, for a reason I shouldn’t. I can’t call it love because I was with Sam at the time and he was the only man I could ever say it to.” you sniffled “I fell in love, and I realized I had fallen in love, with Dean only after Sam’s death. And that’s final.” you pursed your lips, but the laugh you got from her only angered you more.

“So that’s how you’re going to call it now huh? You think you’ve found the right excuse for what you felt for Dean, for what you too realized you felt for him! You fell in love with him and lied to Sam, right in front of his eyes, about wanting a family with the younger Winchester when you couldn’t stop thinking about his brother!” she shook her head with a laugh “Unbelievable. You were in love with Dean, whether you want to admit it or not, while you were with Sam but although you never let things get too far away you- you had dreamed about it, hadn’t you? You’d almost wished about it, and he had too. You’d both always wanted this to the point that… Tell me (Y/n), did you actually feel relief when Sam died? Did you feel like a weight was off your shoulders? Did you-”

“Shut up!” you screamed, tears flowing down your cheeks “Just shut up!” you shook your head “You have no idea about me or my feelings! You kept tabs on us for all of our lives but you have no idea what has really happened in them! You have no idea about us! No idea!”

“Don’t I? Come on, (Y/n). It will stay between us. Did you ever think that the only way to get rid of this guilt for feeling attracted to Dean, as you insist only was the case, was Sam not existing in the first place? Did you think that maybe if he… was gone, there would be no reason to feel guilt and hold back your feelings. There would be no reason to pretend anymore and there would be no reason to try convince yourself the younger Winchester is the only man in your heart. If Sam was out of the picture he’d just be a sweet memory as you and Dean-”

“Stop! Stop it!” you scream, your voice hurting as you shut your eyes tightly “You’re lying. You’re just lying. I love Sam, I loved him so much. I always did. I’m in love with him. I do. Sam- Sam’s the man I love.  _ **I’m in love with him**_.”

“Yet you are pregnant with his brother’s child. Yeah, that makes total sense.” the smirk in her voice made your blood boil and the mention of your child actually started to bring you back to reality. You clenched your jaw and looked up at her, despite your blurry vision, glaring daggers at her.

“Come on, (Y/n) we both know you are just trying to convince yourself.” she said with a casual shrug.

“No” you breathed out “No I’m not trying anything. Because I know the truth, I love Sam Winchester and you can just go to hell and say whatever the hell you want.”

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like to believe I am just the big bad here, trying to break you piece by piece on the inside but truth is I am only saying the truth here. You were pleased when he died, you were relieved, you were for the first time at peace because deep down that’s what you wanted: to not have any more obstacles. He had become just that, an obstacle to you and Dean. Oh Dean, I’m so sure he too must have felt relieved. But of course he couldn’t say a thing because he was his brother and oh that would be such a shock to everybody. But you saw it? You saw everything that he’d been hiding, that’s why you gave in so fast. You just gave in and slept with him, surprise surprise, on the date of Sam’s death. Celebrating or something?” she asked with a smirk and the only thing you could do was grit your teeth.

“Stop it!” you shouted “Dean and I were both drunk, we were hurting and we missed him. And you have no idea, much less the right to say a fucking thing.” you blinked rapisly, trying to seem angry more than hurt. Not because any of the things she was now saying were true but because it was actually bringing back painful memories.

“Fine” she shrugged “I was merely trying to make a conversation. You could always tell me everything you know about American hunters and end this here, or you could let me go on and then we could proceed to other means.” she glanced at the metal tools with a smirk.

You narrowed your eyes at her, your lips parting as you decided to take another look around you. Your eyes lingered on your child’s heart monitor only for a minute before you decide to take everything else in. Really take it in this time, her words running through your mind as you started putting everything together.

“No you won’t.” you breathed out as realization dawned on you and your head snapped at her “You won’t torture me, not- not in a physical way. That’s not your way of getting information from me…  _this_  is. Breaking me from the inside so I’d prefer to talk about anything but my life with Sam and Dean, so I would answer your every question so long as you’d leave me be for just a few minutes. This is your way of torturing me because- just because I am pregnant. It’s all about my emotions, you’re trying to make me give in by torturing me in an emotional level. Mentally.”

She didn’t say a word, instead pursed her lips and for the first time you actually saw her get annoyed; fact that made you smirk at her “What? Did I hit a nerve?” you asked mockingly and she shared a look with the brunette that was still behind you.

“You won’t risk an innocent child’s life, will you? Especially when they’re human, you said it.” you pointed out “And those tools?” you shook your head “They are not for me, are they? They’re for Sam or Dean, whoever comes in first; because you know they would never give up on me. You plan on torturing the father of my child, not me.”

“Torture you? Probably not in the typical way.” she said, snapping her book closed in irritation at seeing you not give in “We don’t want to risk your child’s life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t inflict such fear in you for it while trying to get answers, right?” she got up from her chair and the smile fell from your lips.

“What are you going to do?” you asked in a low hoarse voice, fearing for the baby you were carrying more than anything.

“If you keep insisting to not say a thing then we will resortto plan B. Not the torturing you may be used to, no.” she shook her head, walking towards you “But one so much worse that it will make you wish you were not pregnant.” she whispered, leaning down for a moment “See you in a while, (Y/n).” she said, straightening her back before giving a nod to the other woman and walking off.

You didn’t have time to question her, not even look at her for longer than five seconds before you felt a fist collide with your face. Her fist.

~Half an hour ago~

Your body felt sore, and it wasn’t just because of the beating. You were worn out, both physically – you could only take so little due to your pregnancy – and mentally because of the talk you’d had with Toni and the fear that constantly occupied your heart for your child’s well-being. Your eyes would not stop falling on the heart monitors, especially the second one that belonged to your baby.

Your body was shaking because of the cold water that had been poured on you. The cuts on your arms, legs and collarbone were stinging. The several bruises on your face hurt more than you realized and the rapid beating of your heart, especially as it echoed because of the heart monitor, in the big room. Your fists were clenched as you tried to calm down yourself, laboring your breathing. Your baby was the only thing you had in mind, practically the entire time. You closed your eyes, trying to calm your rapidly beating heart as you thought of only the beautiful memories, things that always made you smile despite the worst situations. And you tried to think of how it would be to hold it in your arms, hopefully healthy as it could be.

You remember that with each hit you’d only look at the heart monitor to make sure it was alright, thankfully it’s heartbeat had not risen apart from once which was when they had emptied the water on you, the shock running through your entire body. You had been scared beyond belief so much that you had almost given in that moment. You’d do anything about it, but luckily they had given you a break after that. The cuts on you didn’t shed much blood, so there was luckily no danger of that. They had made sure it was in particular places, actually proving to you that they wanted the baby to be safe. Physically at least. Your worries were getting the best of you, making you think that everything was actually worse than in reality, so you didn’t know if your fear might make things worse in the end.

“H-hey little one.” your voice was hoarse as you looked down at your belly with tears in your eyes “This is mama talking.” you almost chocked on a sob “I- I just- I wanted you to know that I love you, baby. I love you so much already. And I promise you- I really do promise you that I will do everything in my power to make it through this. We will, little one.” you stopped yourself, pursing your lips as you felt a fresh wave of tears come to you. You had been fighting it for way too long but you couldn’t take it at the fear you had over it’s well-being. There was only so much the heart monitor could do to soothe down your worries.

“We will make it, together sweetie.” you smiled, even if tears ran down your cheeks “Mommy promises you this, you will be safe. Always baby. Angels are watching over you.” you lower lip trembled as you wished so bad at least one of your hands was free so that you could place it over your belly “I can’t believe you are in here.” you whispered, closing your eyes and throwing your head back for a moment.

“Daddy and I wanted so much to have you in our life.” you whispered, looking back down “I wish I can tell him soon, I know… I know he will love you just as much as I do. You are our little miracle, baby, I’ll make sure that nothing will happen to you. Daddy will too. He’s coming for us, little one, he’s on his way to save us. He will save us. I know he will.” you smiled sadly, biting your lip as more tears rolled down.

“I want you to meet him so bad, kiddo. You’ll love him and he- he will be the happiest man on Earth to know this. To know you are going to make him a father. A-and your sister-” you let out a chuckle that was actually cut off by a sob “She will be so happy, she always wanted a baby brother or sister.”

You clenched your teeth and closed your eyes, willing yourself to fight the tears back but you had no luck. With each beat of your heart you felt like bursting into tears all over again and sobbing uncontrollably. A door creaking caught your attention and your head snapped in the direction. You saw Toni stand there with a small smirk and despite the tears or entire look, you glared at her. She just shook her head and disappeared for only a split second and appeared later dragging… Dean with her?

Your eyes widened and you felt your heart leap to your throat “D-Dean?” you whispered and he gave you a half smile.

“Hey baby” he breathed out and you leaned forward, wanting to run to him but being held back when you realized you were actually bound.

“Dean I- I-” your voice shook as more tears filled your eyes.

“I’m sorry” he breathed out before you could say anything “I’m sorry… for everything. For what I said, for what I did.” he swallowed thickly and you only looked at him with a frown “I am really sorry, I never- I never really meant it. I didn’t want it. I- I had to.” his voice was rough as his eyes roamed your face and entire body. He had seen you in worse situations, with definitely more blood and cuts. But the look of terror in your tear-filled eyes and the whimpers that left your lips were enough to make everything ten times worse.

“N-No, Dean.” you said with a small whimper “I- I am sorry. You and Mary-” you choked on a sob “I love you so much. I love you, Dean.” if the case was any different you wouldn’t have said any of it. But fearing so much about your child’s life, being so emotional over learning you were actually pregnant made you rethink everything that had happened.

Dean’s lips parted but he didn’t have the chance to say anything because Toni spoke up “How touching.” she rolled her eyes “Don’t worry you’ll have plenty of time to talk later, especially when Sam comes. I know you have a lot of things to say the three of you.” she smirked at you as you only glared at her.

“Screw you.” you growled.

“Of course.” she rolled her eyes “But I know he will be thrilled to hear the news, don’t you think (Y/n)?”

“I know I am.” another voice, not yours or Dean’s, said actually from behind her and before she had the chance to react Dean jumped in action.  **It was all planed.**

~Present Time~

But as it happened with most plans: not everything went according to plan. There were casualties, there were problems and struggles and there were mistakes. The moment Toni realized she had stabbed you her eyes widened in horror and she pulled it away, taking a step back maybe for the first time regretting what she’d done but it wasn’t something that could not be undone. Your hand instinctively fell on your stomach and as you looked down you saw the blood ooze out, a whimper leaving your lips.

You were already feeling lightheaded before, now with the blood loss and the tears in your eyes, fearing for your child, the cold ground seemed like the only place you’d end up. And you almost did, through your half open eyes you noticed Sam rushing to your side and taking hold of you before you could hit your head worse. You tried to find his hand, to grasp onto it and get his attention as he moved frantically to make your wound stop bleeding.

“Baby” you whispered in a hoarse voice “B-baby” you stuttered before giving him a final squeeze and everything was enveloped by darkness, your hand falling limp on your side.

It was all too much for you to take and that didn’t mean just mentally. You didn’t know what happened after that, you didn’t realize a thing of course. But that didn’t mean that you weren’t too scared. On the contrary, maybe that was what brought you around in the first place too.

The constant beeping of a heart monitor – double at that as if it was two monitors – was the first sound you registered. For a moment you thought after listening to them for hours that the sound was still echoing inside your head. Or maybe you were still bound to that awful chair and had had a dream or something. But then you actually remembered that you had disconnected them and that Sam and Dean barging in was not a fragment of your imagination, as sadly wasn’t Toni stabbing you in the stomach. You heard one of the monitors almost go crazy and your eyes snapped open as you realized everything.

It could be a dream, yes, but you weren’t going to risk it. You were sick worried and above all scared beyond belief. Your head hurt as the white light invaded your sight and you couldn’t help but close your eyes again, groaning loudly as you brought a hand over them. You felt a few cords tugging at your hand but you didn’t pay attention to that. There was only one thing you thought of saying, calling out to one person.

“D-Dean” you whispered, your throat hurting as well “Dean” you whimpered this time until you felt a hand take hold of yours.

“Here, here. I am here (Y/n).” his rough voice said as softly as he could to you “Easy.” he whispered and you tried to take a deep breath.

You opened your eyes more slowly this time, blinking several times as your eyes adjusted to the blinding white. You blinked more, your vision clearing as you moved your head to the side and looked at Dean, your lips falling apart as your eyes filled with tears.

“D-Dean?” you whispered “What- what happened? What is going on? Where- where am I? What happened to- to- What about-” your voice was trembling as you almost choked on sobs but he just shushed you.

“No, no shh.” he whispered, squeezing your hand “It’s ok, it’s all ok.” he rubbed your head, tucking a few strands out of your face “It’s fine, you’re both alright. You’re both great.” he whispered and your head fell back on the pillow, a big sigh of relief left your lips as you closed your eyes, feeling a fresh wave of tears rush to you.

“Thank God” you breathed out, swallowing the lump in your throat “Thank…” you trailed off, letting out a shaky sigh as a smile formed on your lips. Your other hand rested over your belly, or at least you tried to despite all the strings attached to your belly.

“It’s all fine.” he whispered, kissing your forehead and you slowly opened your eyes to look at him.

“Is- is it? Or are you trying to not worry me?” you whispered, a small frown on your face.

“The doctor was a little worried about the blood you lost.” it wasn’t Dean that spoke but Sam and you turned to look at him standing to your right “But the knife didn’t even touch the baby, so everything’s fine. Castiel managed to heal you in time so that’s a plus, at least you didn’t lose any more blood.” he gave you a gentle smile and despite how you could understand how hard that was for him you still smiled at him.

“Thank you, for everything.” you breathed out, closing your eyes as you snuggled more with the warm blankets. You didn’t know you needed them this bad but it seemed like it was the case.

“Don’t thank us, (Y/n). That’s what family does.” Sam smiled softly once more.

“Where’s Mary?” you whispered.

“At Jody’s. I called her to let her know you are alright, she’ll bring Mary over anytime now.” Sam replied and his head snapped down before you could say anything “Speaking about.” he pursed his lips “I’ll- Excuse me for a moment.” he gave you a tight smile and you gave him one back, more like a sympathetic. You didn’t even dare think about how he must have felt to realize the woman he loved was pregnant with his brother’s child… while she had a child with him as well. Wow maybe Toni was right about one thing: This was fucked up.

You watched him as he exited the room and no sooner had the door closed than you felt Dean slowly pull away from you. You didn’t even let his hand pull away from yours before… you squeezed it, holding it in place and looking back up at him. He had a frown on his face but mostly you could see him struggle to keep his happiness back. He forced himself to feel more sorry and hurt than happy… why?

“I don’t blame you, you know. And I don’t hate you, not really.” you whispered and he looked down at your hands.

“I know you don’t.” he whispered “And that’s the problem. I wish you could hate me for what I did. I wish you could hate me the way I hate myself. If it wasn’t for what I did you- you wouldn’t have been taken. You wouldn’t have been at risk, your or… or our baby. I would have been there to save you, I should have but I wasn’t. You just… should hate me, (Y/n). You should never want to see me again.” he swallowed thickly and you didn’t even think to react when he pulled away from you, getting up and turning his back to you.

“I didn’t.” you breathed out and you saw his muscles stiffen “I hated you so bad at first… only because I still loved you so much.” you only stared at his back as he ran a hand through his hair. You shifted, letting a small huff as you got up in a sitting position.

“Dean” you whispered “Please, just look at me.” you said softly, almost pleadingly and although he hesitated he did turn to look at you.

“I don’t hate you. Maybe-” you gave him a sad smile “Maybe I wish I could, just as much as you do but I love you, Dean. And I can’t help it, I couldn’t from the beginning… whenever that was.” you shrugged, looking down at your hands.

“But you shouldn’t.” he clenched his jaw, looking through the window at his younger brother talking in the phone “You just… shouldn’t.” he breathed out, shrugging.

“Of course, I shouldn’t.” you bit the inside of your cheek, tears stinging in your eyes at the rejection in his voice; you had gone through this enough times and you just couldn’t again “Because your brother is alive, because I have a child with him. Well, guess what Dean?” you hissed “I am pregnant with  _your_  child now.”

“(Y/n)” he whispered but you shook your head at him.

You looked down at your hands, more sad than angry “If you’ve changed your mind about it- If you no longer want it then I-”

“No” he breathed out almost in panic, cutting you off abruptly “No, don’t- don’t say that, don’t you ever say that.” he clenched his fists, letting out a deep breath before he sat down on the chair that was next to your bed “I- I love you, (Y/n). I love you both so much that… it hurts. And I wish it didn’t have to but- it does, and I- I don’t know how to deal with that.” he shrugged, burying his face in his hands.

“Dean I- I know how it feels, I know how messed up this must feel. I know that it might even seem wrong with Sam alive but I- I love you Dean, I really do and I can never truly hate you for what happened, not to mention blame you. I can’t blame you for… for this wonderful gift. You’ve made me a mother again and it just is one of the so many things you’ve offered me.” you placed a gentle hand over your belly.

“And what about the things that I’ve taken away?” he growled but you knew his anger was only directed at himself “I- I almost even took away- I almost took away our baby’s life. I wasn’t enough, I couldn’t be enough to protect you and-”

“We’re fine, please Dean don’t do this to me now.” you shook your head, biting your lip “I dreamed of this moment so… differently. I dreamed of me finding out and when I told you you’d be- you’d be happy about it, you’d place a hand over my belly and you’d whisper things to the baby, even if it can’t really hear you now. Alright maybe you’d pass out first too.” you added with a pained chuckle and he did the same.

“Can I?” he whispered, unable to hold back any longer as he extended a hand towards your belly.

“Come here, you idiot.” you whispered, making room for him on the bed “It’s your baby too.” you said as he hesitated to place his hand over you. You took hold of his hand and helped him, although truth was you could still see the doubt in his eyes. You had not said anything openly and even if it was clear he regretted leaving in the first place he hadn’t said a thing either.

“I’m sorry I asked you to stay away from Mary.” you whispered as he rubbed his thumb over your belly before he looked at you the eyes “I didn’t mean it.” your voice was soft and surprisingly calm considered what you’d been through in just a day. But maybe that had actually helped you realize a few things.

“I never really wanted it, I never even wanted you to leave in the first place. I was just hurt.” you whispered “I felt as if you had bailed on me, as if you had betrayed me. I dreamed that we- this would be forever and you had just chosen my and your brother’s happiness over what we had… without asking me. I just-”

“I didn’t want it either.” he cut you off gently “You know I didn’t want it, baby. But Sammy, taking care of him and making sure he was always happy had been a priority for my entire life. That was always my one job. And when he died I felt as if I had no purpose in life anymore until I realized how much you and Mary needed someone to care for you. And then- then I fell in love with you, or more like realized I was in love with you…” he trailed off, holding himself back for a moment.

“It’s ok. I understand, I know how it feels.” you whispered, squeezing his hand as you locked fingers with him.

“I got scared, yes, but for the first time it felt as if I had a reason to keep going, to live. Until Sam came back and I felt like I- I had stolen his purpose in life. I felt like I had taken my little brother’s family, the things he cared most about, his own reason to live. And I just… couldn’t bare that.”

“So you did the only thing you know best. Sacrificed yourself for him.” you whispered, your head falling on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything, it’s all my fault.” he whispered, getting closer to you.

“Maybe yes or maybe not. We are not going to figure that out now, we don’t need to. There is still lots of talking to do but I- I don’t want that to happen now. I-” you breathed out a laugh “We have two kids to think of at the moment, our hands are pretty much already full.”

“Yeah but I would never have it any other way.” he breathed out, kissing your temple.

“So… does that mean you’ll come back home?” you asked in a low voice, looking up at him.

“Well, you said it. Our hands are pretty full at the moment, and with another Winchester on the road this will be a hell of a journey. Besides, I might or might not be having a sore back from that motel room.”

“Wow so just for my bed huh?” you asked playfully, feeling your heart soar at his words “You’re unbelievable. You’re just so lucky pregnant me is a mess of emotions because of these hormones or else I would get back at you for this.”

He let a soft chuckled, leaning down to kiss your forehead – still his lips had not even touched yours – before he gave you a small smile “Maybe for what’s in your bed too.”

“My fluffy pillows?” you asked with a smirk but he only grinned at you and shook his head. You nuzzled your face at the crook of his neck, finally finding yourself relaxing in a way you hadn’t ever since he left. Your breathing along with your heart calmed down as you realized this was the only place you wanted to be, and you didn’t mean the hospital bed.

You felt Dean shift and move lower until his face was close to your belly and before he could say a thing you felt tears well up in your eyes as you realized what was about to happen “Hey kiddo” he whispered “This is daddy speaking.” he said with a small smirk, looking up at you and winking.

“Cheeky bastard.” you breathed out, leaning back as you placed a hand on his head, running your fingers through his hair.

Maybe you didn’t know it, maybe you would get to know it at some point later or maybe not, but finding out you were pregnant with his child was just what he needed to break the walls surrounding him. Maybe part of him wished they would still stay up, for Sammy’s sake, but that wasn’t the case. First it was the shock of finding out you had been taken, that kind of fear he thought he had never experienced before in his life and boy had he been through a lot. It made him think about his decision, not change it but definitely rethink it. He could lose you any given moment and he wouldn’t have even realized it because he was away. And he couldn’t have done a single thing, he wouldn’t have been able to protect the woman he loved more than his life. It was a big blow, for sure, but not like the one Toni had spilled in her shock after you collapsed on the ground.

“She’s- She’s pregnant.” even the cold-hearted woman had started at you in fear, regret in her eyes at what she’d done to you.

Dean felt as if his whole world had stopped spinning when he saw you on the cold floor with blood pooling around you. Blood from your stomach. The words were ringing in his ears as he felt his heart hammer inside his chest, almost wanting to beat out of it. He had forgotten how to breathe all of a sudden as he realized the only dream he had of the two of you had just come true. You were pregnant with his child. He was going to be a father… if you made it out of this. He didn’t even realize it when tears welled up in his eyes, his heart beating so fast and hard that it hurt. He was almost feeling dizzy but he pushed it all back as he jolted into action, roaring your name as he rushed to your side and cradling your so fragile-looking body in his arms, doing his best to stop your bleeding.

His voice had come out as a broken sob, he felt like choking but willed himself to scream his friend’s name. He needed Castiel to heal you immediately, almost forgetting that he couldn’t get inside. Both he and Sam had rushed with you outside where he was still waiting, talking with another man. But none of them cared especially Dean. Not when he had almost lost both his child and love of his life, and that’s when Dean realized that was the biggest scare he had faced. He had come to realize something shocking, as much as rest of his heart said differently, as he stared at the blood in his hands while they waited for the doctor to speak to them; tears falling on his palms as Sam paced back and forth.

He was going to fight for you and, hopefully, his child as well. Because there was no life for him without you anymore, and if you really didn’t want him back then he would take that. So long as he knew you were happy. He needed that smile in his life, even if it no longer meant what it did a week ago.

~*~

“Hey you again.” Sam’s warm smile was what you were greeted with as you opened your eyes again.

“Let me guess, I fell asleep again didn’t I?” you asked, rubbing your eyes and he nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Yeah, but just for two hours.” he said, leaning back in the his uncomfortable-looking chair.

“I had almost forgotten how I was during my first pregnancy, I hope this doesn’t end up being worse or else there will be no pies in the entire town for some time.” you breathed out, trying smoothe down your hair.

“Will be worth it.” he smiled, glancing down at your belly and you smiled, running a hand over the fabric of your clothes. They had by now taken off the heart monitors, you were both in perfect health and the doctor said you could stay one more day before you left for good.

You moved to make room for him and patted the space next to him “Come here, that chair looks terrible.” you breathed out and with a smile he didn’t hesitate to sit next to you.

“So, how is mama Winchester feeling after her sleep?” he asked.

“Like I am going to stay up all night… probably thinking about how to paint the nursery and everything else I need.” you breathed out and he laugh knowingly.

“Control freak.” he teased and you placed a hand over his, squeezing it.

“You know me.” you shrugged looking around you for a second, the smile almost falling as you wondered about the father of your baby “Where’s…” you caught yourself whispering before you could stop.

“Dean?” Sam completed your sentence when, after realization, you didn’t continue. You gave him a tight smile.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I’m sure this must be so hard for you I- I didn’t even think about it at first.” you looked down at your hands.

“No, (Y/n).” he whispered, squeezing your hand “It’s… It’s alright, honestly.” he hesitated to say it and you didn’t blame him “He’s the father of your child, I can understand why you want him here.”

“So are you, though. You are the father of my daughter, Sam, and I-” you started but couldn’t really go on.

“(Y/n), please. You don’t have to justify yourself, ok?” he gave you a gentle smile “As for Dean, he’s getting something to eat. He didn’t get up from this chair ever since we brought you here. And although I hoped you waking up would soothe him down he just didn’t leave. I practically had to push him out of the door.”

You scoffed, but smiled fondly nonetheless “Sounds like him.”

“How- how are you feeling though? After all that happened, is the baby alright?” he asked ever-so-caringly and you smiled, placing a hand over your barely-showing baby bump.

“Well, it’s not moving yet and since I am not showing I can guess I’m only about two, maximum three months pregnant. I can’t tell much really, just like with Mary all my emotions are mixed and all over the place that I- I’m-”

“At a loss, yeah I can tell.” he breathed out a laugh and you bit your lip, nodding your head.

You looked up at him to see his eyes glued to you in such a tender way it made all sorts of feelings rise up in your chest. It was longing for a past that you’d always remember fondly, it was happiness at how much he already seemed to love his niece or nephew and it was sorrow at the same time because he had to see the woman he love make a family with another man. Because you knew that Sam was smart, and he could by now tell that what you and him had was over. As bittersweet as that was, you knew he could understand it.

“Sam” you whispered and he locked eyes with yours “How- how did you take this? How are you taking this? I mean it’s- It must be too much, I know, I just-”

“(Y/n), please. The last thing you need to do is apologize to me. Two or three months ago I was dead, and I don’t blame you if you thought that’s how it was going to be for the rest of your life. You were about to make a family with Dean, to move on with him, I can’t blame you. I don’t. Let’s not talk about that, please. I just… Can- Can I?” he whispered, extending a hand and a smile slowly appeared on your lips. You were stunned but nodded your head nonetheless.

“Ye-yeah. Although I doubt you’ll be able to tell much. It’s too young yet.”

“You never know, it’s Dean’s baby. I was a calm baby, as far as I know, that’s why Mary didn’t give you much trouble. This one might not be such an easy ride for you.” he chuckled as you threw your head back with wide eyes.

“Dear Chuck help me.” you said a little dramatically, but smiled at him in the end and placed a hand over his bigger one on your belly.

He rubbed his thumb over your belly and smiled softly to himself “I can almost remember the first few months of when you were pregnant with Mary.” he breathed out and you smiled in nostalgia “You were so scared back then, and so was I to be honest. We haven’t exactly been trying but didn’t do anything to stop it from coming either and I was so scared when I found out too. Can’t begin to imagine how Dean must have felt now.” he sighed and you bit your lip.

“We’ve been trying for a kid actually.” you whispered, glad that he didn’t look disappointed even if he felt it.

“He teared up when he found out, and while waiting for the doctor he- he was so scared he just let it out. But at least it turned all into happy tears when we found out both you and the baby are alright. And I definitely can’t blame him.” he said softly “He’s going to be a father and I- I’m going to be an uncle, what’s better than that?” he laughed softly but your smile fluttered as you looked down.

“Yeah… you are.” you whispered and he heard you.

He looked up “(Y/n), I didn’t mean it like that. I’m happy. I am so happy about this kid you have no idea, I was just as happy as Dean was when the doctor spoke to us. And I am not happy just about him, because Dean deserves this, he deserves you and this baby, but for you because I know how much you really wanted this deep down and I am happy about the kid itself. It’s going to have an amazing family, and so many people already love it. You can’t believe how Jody reacted when I told her on the phone!” he breathed out a laugh “I am happy about Mary, I bet she’d always want for a sibling and of course I am happy about, well, myself. Because how can I not love my brother’s child, (Y/n)? Just like he feels for Mary, I know, is the exact same for me and the baby.”

“Is it?” you almost choked on a sob “I- I don’t doubt that you love it, Sam. Hell I would be damned if I did but this- just when we thought everything was a mess we officially went to fifty shades of fucked up!”

“It may look like that to others but it’s not. It would be totally fucked up if you didn’t know who you really want to be with, but you do. Even if you may have not realized it yet but- maybe you have, you’re too smart for that anyway.” he said with a dimpled smile, kissing the top of your head.

“S-Sam” you pursed your lips, blinking away the tears “How can you know that?” you whispered and he shrugged.

“It’s not that hard, (Y/n). Remember, we’ve been together for so long. I know how to read you like an open book. Besides, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this out. The way you search for him, even with your eyes without even having to say it, the way you call out his name and the way you first asked from him when you woke up. You called out for him. What more proof do I need?”

“Sam I’m- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” you choked on a sob, closing your eyes shut.

“No, no (Y/n) please.” he cupped your face as he made you look at him “Don’t apologize, you don’t have to apologize for following your heart. You can’t control your feelings, I can’t blame you for that. I can’t blame you for making dreams with Dean for a family, and for trying to make that happen. I was dead, (Y/n). Gone, and probably it was for good. It hurts me, I will admit it but- I can’t do anything about it, can I? And maybe I don’t think I want to either.”

“Sam how can you say that? We- we had so much, we had made dreams about this life and now it’s all-”

“What?” he cut you off with a bittersweet smile “Gone? No (Y/n), it’s not. Our daughter is happy, living a normal life. You have the house you always dreamed off and a normal job. And Dean- he got the apple pie-life too. That is beyond all I’ve dreamed, (Y/n). It’s my wildest dreams coming true. I wanted my brother to be happy, I wanted him to have this maybe more than I wanted it for myself and it’s all happening. I’m not mad, nor sad anymore. I can’t be, because you are happy. And so is our daughter, and so is my brother. This is all I’ve ever really wanted.”

“I want you to be in my life, Sam. I need you to be in it, no matter what. No matter how.” you whispered, as you took hold of his hand “You are so important to me you can’t understand. I know that even if I try very hard I- I can’t feel the same way, not how I used to and I am so sorry for that. I wish I could and I can’t, but at the same time I can’t let go of you Sam.”

“I know, I understand. Which is why you won’t have to, you will never have to again. I will never leave you, I promise. I know what a toll it took on you, I won’t put you through that again. Or Mary for that matter, I promise you. We are one hell of a messed up family but this is us and we are not going to change it, I don’t want to change it.” he shrugged, giving you a dimpled smile but you did see the tears well up in his eyes.

“I love you Sam, I want you to know that. I always loved you, always will.” you cupped his cheek and he nuzzled his face in your palm.

“I know, you just are not in love with me. And it hurts me, I can’t help that. But at the same time I am happy that my brother has you by his side, he deserves it. He deserves it, maybe more than I do.” he locked his fingers with yours as he still held your other hand “And when the right time comes, we’ll explain this all to the new baby and better to Mary. She’ll have to know the truth, lying and secrets never did any good to us anyway.”

“We have to. We owe it as parents.” you whispered, nodding your head at him “But Sam, I need you to know that… I will always miss what we had.” you said as you remembered some of the words you had uttered to him that night you were a drunk mess of emotions “And I will always think back to those moments fondly. You are still very important to me, Sam. I don’t want you to doubt that, ever. But this near death experience, especially for my baby it made me realize a few things and I- I hate Dean for what he did, yes but it is just… nothing compared to my love for him.”

“(Y/n), you need to stop worrying about me. It took me some time to realize it, to accept it but I have. Besides, ever since I met you I’ve been able to experience the happiest moments of my life. You made me a father, (Y/n). And in a few months I will also be an uncle. I had never even dreamed about this! You have offered me so much you can’t even realize, baby.” he breathed out a laugh, resting his forehead against yours “You gave me some incredible moments to hold onto, not just with Mary but also with you. And I am willing to take even the few moments I can spend with you-”

“Don’t say it like that, please.” you whimpered, feeling a pang in your chest.

“No, (Y/n). I swear, I am not mad about this. Nor really sad. I am grateful for everything, everything you have given me. Grateful you chose me to be the father of your daughter, grateful you spend even that time with me, grateful that I had your love for however long that lasted. Grateful that… your happiness is mine, and it is still here now. I have everything I need to be happy, almost everything but I can’t be disrespectful. I have Mary and she is wonderful just because she took after you. I will be alright, I promise you this. As long as I see a smile on your face I-” he choked on a sob that he obviously had been holding back for way too long, a tear slipped from his eye and bit down on your lip harder than before.

“Sam, no. Please no.” your voice came out as a pleading whimper as you cradled his face in your hands, hastily brushing away the tear.

“No, I’m- I’m ok.” he almost choked again, but managed to give you a dimples smile and what hurt you even more was knowing that he actually meant it “As long as I see that smile on your face I am going to be alright, (Y/n). Always. I promise.”

It hurt you so much to see him in such pain, it felt like someone was stabbing you but you just stayed alive to feel all of it. You wished so bad you could take it away, the only you thought about was that. You remembered that, before his death, you’d use to give him kisses to try and lessen his pain but right now you just couldn’t find it in yourself, even if every instinct in you said otherwise.

Your face got closer to his, and your lips brushed past his. You could feel his breath fan over your face and despite the deep breaths that you could, you just couldn’t find it in yourself. It felt right, at least for your body, but your heart – sober this time – just couldn’t find it to be right. You gave up and moved slightly so that you could press a lingering kiss on his cheek. You hated yourself for how you couldn’t do that, you hated how you couldn’t offer him at least this small relief that he so needed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” you whispered, your head falling on his shoulder but he just shook his head.

“Don’t.” he whispered, his breath tickling your cheek as he pressed a soft kiss there “Don’t, it’s alright. I’ll manage. I can manage, I will manage.”

“H-How?” you choked out.

“Well, first I know I will just need some time away. Some vacation, somewhere quiet. And I’d- I’d like to take Mary with me, talk to her about a few things. She’s a smart kid, she can understand. I- I won’t tell her something you don’t want me to, I promise.” he hurried to add “If that’s alright with you?”

“Always, Sam. Always.” you said firmly and definitely honestly “I trust you, I know she’ll be thrilled to spend some time with you. Just take as much as you need. But- Sam, please just- that house we saw? Please, it’s right next to ours. I- I can’t have you out of my life, or Mary’s. Just think about it, if turning the guest room into yours is too much then- then think about it.”

“I’ll try to, (Y/n). I’ll try to.” he let a soft sigh.

“I just don’t want to lose you again, Sam. In any way. I need you here, please.” you fisted the fabric of his flannel in your hands and he let a soft sigh, smiling honestly at you and for the first time no pain showing on his eyes.

“You are not going to lose me, not again.”

~Three months later~

“No, daddy! No!” your daughter’s squeal from the room upstairs made you you chuckle to yourself. Dean just insisted on helping Mary pick up her clothes for her small vacation with Sam and you decided not to fight him back on that, it would be nice to see him get a taste of it. Mary was a true Winchester woman and could drive anyone crazy if she wanted to with her stubbornness. She was lucky she was so adorable, so it was impossible not to love her.

“Let’s see how you will turn out to be. With Dean Winchester as a father I think you’re gonna give us a harder time than your sister.” you looked down at your swollen belly, placing a hand on top of it. You giggled when you heard Dean ask Mary why, and you honestly didn’t want to look into it. You grinned as you felt a small kick from your baby and rubbed your belly again to try and calm it down.

“Winchesters.” you shook your head with a laugh as you continued tidying the living room. You sighed as you saw a pair of Dean’s jeans on a chair. Not the place you would normally find them but with Mary spending the night at her father’s place and you being a mess of hormones you couldn’t even wait to walk up the stairs and all but ripped off his jeans while shoving Dean on the couch. Yes you were actually more surprised that they were in one piece.

You laughed as you approached the chair to grab them, biting your lip as you thought back to the night prior. Maybe it sounded bad in your mind but you couldn’t wait for Mary to spend some actual time with Sam, not just for the two of them to know each other more, but for you to spend some time with Dean as well. After everything that had happened three months ago you had come to see your relationship in a totally different way and you loved it because you were actually closer than ever. You talked, you actually talked a lot more about what you thought, what had happened, what you felt although that was still hard for him. But you would take everything in, even if it was in whispers at night when none of you could sleep. Most of it was actually not about the past, although you had talked about certain things as well, but mostly about your future and the baby. Mary had been more than excited to find out she was going to have a sibling. You still didn’t know the gender, mostly wanting it to be a surprise, although you had already started working on the nursery room with her help of course. She never found out you had been in the hospital and you and the boys agreed it would be better to stay that way. You told her you were pregnant only a few days later when everything had calmed down and she was a mess of excitement and happiness.

You shook your head as you heard shuffling and loud giggles from upstairs. You looked down at the jeans with a tilt of your head as you noticed something was in the pocket. But just as you were about to take them you heard the doorbell ring. The smile immediately returned on your face, not that it had really left as you quickly made your way towards it.

“Sam” you breathed out as he gave you a dimpled smile.

“Hey (Y/n).” he said as he opened his arms and you instantly jumped to hug him. He wrapped his arms around you tightly but yet gently because of your belly “How are you?” he asked, kissing your forehead.

“Good, getting bigger with each day but still pretty good.” you grinned up at him, making room for him to get inside “No luggage?” you asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s in the car, I don’t live that far away anyway (Y/n).” he chuckled as you gave his hand a rub.

“Do you want anything to drink? Mary’s taking her sweet time picking her clothes up, last minute as expected, and Dean’s helping her. Or at least trying to.”

“Well, she’s a Winchester.” he laughed “Yeah maybe a beer.”

“Alright, be right back.” you leaned in and kissed his cheek as he smiled at you.

You took some time to return with the beer because you checked on the pie that was baking in the oven and the cookies that were cooling off on the counter for Mary to take with her. When you got back you found your daughter in her father’s arms - Sam’s - as he kissed her and she giggled.

“Cookies are almost ready for you to take.” you said as you handed him his beer and Mary smiled up at you, leaving her father to come and wrap her arms around your waist, or at least trying to “And I made something else for you to eat too, the ride’s gonna be long.”

“You didn’t have to, (Y/n).” Sam gave you a smile but you just scoffed.

“Shut up, Winchester. Of course I had to. Don’t wanna think what you’re gonna be eating after that.” you shook your head as you sat next to him.

“I’ll make sure it’s all as healthy as it can be. Besides, remember the things you and Dean would get when we were on the road?” he asked with a laugh “Don’t point the finger on me!”

You giggled “Fair enough.” before turning to Mary “Baby what is daddy Dean still doing upstairs?”

“He was trying to help me pick my clothes but was struggling.” she shook her head and Sam smiled at her “I just came to give daddy Sam a kiss.”

Sam smiled at her, giving her another kiss that she returned with a hug “Go help him, princess.” he said to her with a smile and she nodded her head, running upstairs once more.

“Sometimes it scares me how smart she can be.” you laughed, leaning back on the couch as Sam took a sip of his beer.

“She took after her mother, what can you expect?” he raised an eyebrow at you and you huffed a laugh, hitting his shoulder playfully.

“Sam shut up.” you laughed but did look at him with a shy smile.

“I’m only saying the truth.” he shrugged, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face “We created something amazing, (Y/n), and that is something that will always make me feel at awe.”

“Exactly.” you whispered, placing a hand on top of his “We did, Sam. Both of us, don’t give me all the credit. She is Sam fucking Winchester’s daughter, that alone can say so much.” you smiled softly at him and he didn’t say a thing, he only leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss on your forehead.

“How’s everything else going?” you whispered, getting closer to him as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

“Moving in seems harder than I actually anticipated.” he played with his beer bottle “But everything’s coming along really well. Not that I have sorted out everything yet but, it’s well as of now. I want to get started on Mary’s room but- I think I’ll just have to wait for your help on that.”

“She’s already so excited about it, she got so happy to find out you’d be moving in close to us. It really means alot to her.” you looked up at him and he smiled warmly down at you.

“I did it for both her and me, (Y/n). I want to be close, and I know that… so does Dean. It will help to sort everything out better.” he confessed and you nodded your head.

“You’ve been through so much Sam. We all have, and we always managed to pull through. This- I know we’ll make it, we’re halfway there too. You and Dean, you’ll have to figure it out your own way but I know you will. I have faith in you.” you leaned in and pressed a small kiss on his cheek.

“Besides, family’s getting bigger.” a smile formed on your lips “And in just a few months I know me and Dean are going to need all the help we can get.”

A chuckle left Sam’s lips “It’s already giving you a hell huh?”

You laughed wholeheartedly “Like you have no idea. Six months in and I just can’t wait to give birth! It really is Dean’s baby, that I will never doubt.”

“And how is he dealing with that? I mean I can understand that it won’t be that hard when the baby comes, considering he did well with Mary. But he’s never dealt with you pregnant the whole time.” he spoke with a smirk and you knew he was probably enjoying it a little too much considering you had really almost driven him crazy with all your cravings and mood-swings the first few months.

“You’re enjoying this huh?” you grinned and he shrugged innocently, drinking “Well, truth is he’s a little more panicked that he should be, considering who he is. But it’s really the first time he sees how I can be pregnant. The first time you were the one that had to deal with all of it and now I think he’s overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s pleasantly overwhelmed, though.”

“He’s going to be a father, and I think this time that he gets to experience your pregnancy as well makes him realize it even more.” he whispered and you nodded your head as you looked down at your belly.

“Yeah” you whispered “I’ve caught him looking at my belly and talking to the baby when he thinks I’m asleep. He’s just so sweet without realizing it when he runs his fingers over it. The idiot can’t realize it actually tickles, but I don’t care. His mere voice gets the baby so excited at times and at others he can calm it down. I don’t know how he does it, Sam.”

“He’s a great father, (Y/n). It’s simple as that.” he shrugged with a smile and you nodded your head.

“Guess so. Hey, want to talk to your nephew or niece?” you asked and his eyebrows shot up as a dimpled smile took over.

“Yes, of course.” he breathed out, setting his beer aside as he leaned down “Hey, baby. This is uncle Sam, are you awake or have you taken after your dad too much?” he asked with a chuckle and he actually got a kick as a response.

“Oh wow” he laughed as you giggled, he rubbed your stomach as he rested his head on top of it softly “Glad to know you’re awake, little one. But don’t tire your mommy too much for me, will you please?”

The only thing you could do was giggle as Sam continued “But then- you’re a Winchester, with Dean as a father at that. I think of all the things we’ve unleashed on this poor Earth, you and your sister are really the least troublesome!”

“Are you sure about that?” you asked with a smirk and he laughed.

“Well, now that I think about it…” he trailed off and you heard a ascoff.

“Wow, thanks for having faith in me and my child, Sammy. You’re gonna be an awesome uncle!” Dean said with mock hurt and you and Sam laughed.

“You know what I mean.” he said as he got up, you following suit.

“I guess, we can’t be an exception anyway.” he scoffed with a smile as he set Mary’s luggage down and hugged his brother.

“Hey, stop talking like that about my baby.” you pouted, rubbing your belly and Dean laughed as he walked towards you.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry.” he kissed your cheek as he wrapped an arm around your waist “Are you all ready for the trip, Sammy?”

“Yeah, I’ve packed everything. Or at least I think so, I can’t tell with all the mess the house is in.” he said and a smile formed on his lips as he saw your daughter walk down the stairs.

“I’m ready!” Mary exclaimed, smiling widely up at you.

“Oh my baby, first time that you’re gonna have to be away from mommy for a month.” you whispered, feeling a little more sad than you actually should. You would miss her eventually, even if you really needed this time alone with Dean, but you knew your hormones would make it worse. You already felt like tearing up as it was.

“Come give mama a big kiss.” you knelt down to be in her eye-level as she wrapped her small hands around your neck and you carefully hugged her.

“I love you mommy.” she said in her baby voice, giving your cheek a big kiss that made you tear up.

“Mommy loves you too baby, very much.” you said in a baby voice you haven’t used ever since she was one-year old and that actually made Sam and Dean chuckle. You shot them a glare, your emotions being a mess didn’t help at all.

“Alright-” you pulled away and fixed her hair “You promise you take care of yourself and daddy, yeah? I know I should be telling him this but I can’t trust them apparently.” you gave him another glare when he chuckled “Sleep early, baby, and don’t get too carried away by TV please. Hopefully Sam will make sure of that, too.” you cupped her face and pressed butterfly kisses on her cheek that made her giggle.

“Alright mommy!” she squealed when you gave her another tight hug.

“She’ll be gone for just a month, a month and a half max, (Y/n).” Dean said with a soft smile but you scoffed at him.

“You don’t know how it’s like to be a mother and pregnant at the same time, Winchester. So don’t judge me.” you huffed, pouting like a little child and the only thing he did was rub your back softly.

“I know, baby. I know.” he kissed your temple.

“Come on, let’s get you loaded before she takes it all back Sammy.” he told his brother with a grin and Sam laughed as well.

“Alright.” Sam smiled at you, as Dean picked up Mary and walked from the front door.

“You Winchesters will be the death of me.” you muttered at Sam who just laughed taking Mary’s things and shrugged at you.

“Thought you would have realized that from the moment we first met.”

~*~

“Please don’t tell me you miss her already.” Dean breathed out a chuckle as he saw you look at one of her dolls in your hands.

“Yes and no.” you whispered “I am happy she will spend some time with her father, I want them to know each other better but at the same time-” you stopped yourself, letting a sigh as you placed the doll down on the coffee table.

“You find it hard to let go of your little girl even for some time.” he stated and you chuckled a little sadly as he placed a hand on your belly as he came from behind you.

“Hormones I guess.” you breathed out a laugh, turning your head to look at him.

“But did you miss me this much when I was gone?” he whispered with a small frown, almost looking like a little child and you smiled up at him.

“Much more.” you breathed out and he rubbed his thumb on your waist as he leaned down and pecked your lips. Well, at least it was supposed to be a peck on the lips but you didn’t let him pull away, you only turned around slowly and cupped his face as his hands remained on your waist. You bit slightly down on his lip and he let out a small growl that turned into a deep chuckle. You pressed yourself as close to him as you could, considering there was a big belly stopping you from that- or well, not really stopping you when you kissed him so hungrily. Who could blame you though?

“You certainly don’t seem all that sad to me now.” he said with a smirk as he pulled slightly away.

“Honestly? I think I might end up enjoying this trip more than Mary and Sam. Just a perfect chance to spend some time with you, we really needed it after all.” you shrugged, playing with the hem of his flannel “Can’t be all that sad about  _that_.”

“Really huh?” he licked his lips “And if I may ask, what is  _that_  exactly?” he raised an eyebrow and you smirked.

“I could tell you but… we have an entire month for me to show you, and we don’t necessarily have to stop, Winchester.” you giggled as he let a small growl, grinning at you.

“Damn I really love pregnant you.” he brought his face closer, not that it was all that far away “And the way your body reacts to me-” he let a deep chuckle “It’s killing me, but I love it.”

“If only you knew how I feel.” you breathed out, biting your lip as he cupped your face and ran his thumb over your lower lip “Say, how about you make some of those great burgers of yours because your child is really in need of that and then we can never get up from bed?”

He licked his lip and grinned at you “Mhh sounds like a plan to me. We gotta make up for the lost time.” he kissed you fully on the lips “I love you so much, do you know that?”

A smile played on your lips as you rested your forehead on his “I know, I always have.” you whispered, kissing him again but this time more tenderly “We both know.” you glanced down and the smile that took over his face made your heart skip a beat. It was impossible to believe or even think in the first place that there would come a day you’d see Dean Winchester smile so honestly, full of bliss and happiness.

“And we both love you so much, too.” you whispered and his eyes jumped to yours as he rubbed his thumb over your cheek, nuzzling his nose with yours.

“Can’t believe we actually did this.” he breathed out in awe and you knew very well he was talking about your child.

“With all that exercise? I think the right thing to say is how it took us so long.” you breathed out with a chuckle and he grinned, shaking his head.

“Come on, don’t play innocent on me. You wanted this as much as I did!” he exclaimed and you gave him a shy grin.

“I’ll admit, I wanted nothing more than to have kids with you.” you confessed shyly “I just looked at you with Mary and I couldn’t stop thinking how it would be to have a mini-you running around in the meanwhile, boy or girl it wouldn’t matter. Or on Christmas morning, gosh you’d so spoil the hell out of them and I wouldn’t even think of complaining because they’d both be so happy. I’d make breakfast and Cas would come over to help, asking questions about the angel on the Christmas tree and the ones Mary has placed all around the house. We all know how much she loves those. And you- you would be smiling so widely as you played around with the kids when in reality you should get them to eat their food And- and… Sam would come over in the end too, he would join us and it would all be so- so picture perfect. And it would be our life. It-”

“Will be our life, I promise you this. It will be our life, (Y/n).” he squeezed your face slightly to emphasize “I will make it happen, I promise you.” he said firmly yet gently as he pressed his lips on yours, trying to pour all the love he had into that kiss.

“I know, D.” you whispered, feeling tears well up in your eyes “I know you will… You already have, and I need to thank you so much for everything. For being who you are, for loving me this way when I don’t deserve it-” you shook your head at the scowl that set on his face “Yeah, alright alright I take that back.” you let out an emotional laugh “For everything you have given to me, for this baby, for this house… for everything.”

“Don’t. Just… don’t.” he whispered, his voice more rough as you saw tears well up in his eyes. You didn’t have time to look more as he pressed his lips hard on yours once more, kissing you feverly and almost desperate to show you how much you meant to him. A shaky sigh left your lips as you smiled shyly at him, just letting yourself look into his eyes for some time without saying a thing. And Dean only did the same.

After quite some time he cleared his throat “I better go make those burgers or else I’m never gonna let go of you.” he whispered, letting out a chuckle and you grinned softly at him.

“You won’t have to later, I promise.” you whispered, as he leaned in and kissed your forehead; his lips lingering there for a little while.

“I love you.” he whispered, his lips brushing your skin as you closed your eyes for a moment.

“I love you too.” you said in a barely audible voice.

He pulled away, giving you a small grin and after tucking a few strands behind your ear he pulled completely away and made his way to the kitchen. You let out a sigh, laughing at yourself for how you looked like a teenage girl hopelessly in love for the first time and even more the guy feeling the same.

You felt the baby give you a small kick and you giggled, rubbing your belly “Just wait a little bit, baby. Daddy’s making you your favorite meal. But we better not tell him it’s pie because he’ll have a feat.” you giggled, remembering how much the idea of pie repelled you the past two and a half months and you knew very well it wasn’t because of a personal preference. You knew it would freak Dean out to realize the baby wasn’t such a fan of pie, but you left that to Mary now, she was the oldest one after all.

“I only hope you don’t take after him in making a mess.” you huffed as you approached the jeans you had previously tried to pick up “I don’t think I can-” you immediately stopped yourself as, once you picked up the jeans and shirt that was actually there, some small rolled out of the pocket.

“What…?” you whispered, tilting your head to the side. You didn’t even give the clothes a second though as you threw them on the couch. You carefully knelt down and picked the small object that had fallen down. You got up and started at it with a small frown, your lips parted. You felt your heart speed up and the baby move in your belly.

“Shh baby, easy.” you whispered, rubbing your belly subconsciously.

You felt your mouth go dry and tears well up in your eyes. You studying the small object but you were sure you knew very well what it was and there was nothing different that could really make it anything but what it actually was: a small red velvet box. You bit your lip, wanting more than anything to open it but maybe you actually knew the content better than anything.

“Dean” you whispered “Dean!” you said more loudly, although your voice was a hoarse.

This time he actually heard you though and he came running to you a little panicked “Wh-what!? Is everything alright!? Is the baby-” he cut himself off when you turned and he saw what you were holding.

“D” you whispered, looking from the box to him and then back at it “What is this?”you asked and he was too frozen to move or say a thing.

“Not exactly how I pictured this, I wanted more of a romantic dinner with candles and- and something fancy but we’re getting burgers instead and I-” he shook his his “I never knew it would come to this but-” he swallowed the lump in his throat as he slowly approached you “I’ve had this for over four months now. I guess you should say it’s about damn time, if you really want to- to-”

“To?” your voice was barely audible as he took the box from your hands. You practically forgot how to breathe when you saw him kneel in front of you on one knee and give you that nervous boyish grin.

“(Y/n), I love you more than I thought I could. More than I thought was ever possible. You made me dream about things I never thought I could have, I never thought I was worthy of having yet here I am, being… happy. I can count the times I’ve been happy in my life on the fingers of one hand but now with you all of that has changed and I actually find myself really wanting to keep this. I really…” he let out a small breathless laugh “I really want this to last, I want this to be my life. With you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to grow old together and- and think back to all of this as we watch Mary and- and our baby visit with their own kids that will give Sammy’s old ass a real hell. But- but he’ll be able to keep up because he’s just really more healthy than me.”

“De-Dean” you smiled and a tear rolled down your cheek the very second he opened the velvet box to reveal the ring inside of it. And of course, everything that you wanted to say got caught in your throat and your heart skipped a beat.

“(Y/n), I need to ask you probably the most important question of my life and I’m already freaking out. Alright- yeah, not- not how I should start this. Damn it.” he cleared his throat, blinking as he took a deep breath.

You found it insanely adorable and touching to see him so nervous and eager at the same time. You knew the question and you needed to say the small word so bad already, you wanted to be fast to get him out of his doubts and help him relax but you just couldn’t even think straight. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs already but you couldn’t, not until you actually heard it.

“(Y/n), will you marry me, be my wife and make my life  ** _picture perfect_**?”


End file.
